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    • #133937
      iliketea
      Participant

      Hi, I’ve been a real fug these past few weeks, can’t seem to shake it. I just can’t get my head around the fact I’ve got to start again, with everything. The more I learn about abuse, the more I see its pervaded my life, all my relationships in the past, and most of the friendships, my whole life.

      Yes I’ve got out of the last abusive relationship and have children but I’m really struggling to see a future. I don’t mean this in a suicidal way because I have young children, I just mean in a way its all so big, having to learn how to be a person again, not to let abusive people in, how to behave, its like I’ve got to go back to being at primary school and just begin again. Learn how to be normal so I attract normal people, its all just too much – way too big to contemplate, I mean how do you begin again? Make new friends? I spoke to someone this week and for some reason she just came out and said “I’m not interested in meeting people anymore, I’ve got enough friends in my life”. It wasn’t aimed at me, but it seemed like such a final thing to say, and its not the first time Ive heard a woman of my age say that, so how do you make friends in a world that’s already made theirs?

      I don’t have any family, some have died, some Im estranged from, and no friends. I’m at a weird stage in my life where i don’t know how to meet new people, I have young children but am an older mum so everyone at school and nursery are all so young, Ive tried to be friends but since the abuse became public knowledge I feel that people are avoiding me. Especially as he is still very evident in those settings and has been connecting with people I used to be friends with. I suddenly feel like I don’t belong anywhere, but I havent got anywhere to escape to either, no family to run to, no best friends to call.

      I just dont know what to do, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling of hopelessness, and I think shame, shame to have put my children in this position where every weekend its just us, hanging out. I always wanted a nice family, and for them to experience what I never did. Its getting me down. I want them to have loads of people around and a big happy fun atmosphere at home, but its just us, and me being grumpy because I haven’t got the energy to put a face on anymore. I will go to the GP, I am already on antidepressants, maybe they need changing, but I know theres more to it, I think its more a head thing, I had to see my ex this week for the first time since I left and its just left me feeling so empty. Like what was the point? what’s the point of all the bs he’s still putting us through, but most of all how the f*** did I not get out sooner, find a better place, before it was too late and I lost everything, everything, and all my family and friends. Not sure why I’m writing, just felt like it, maybe someone else is the same, someone else has noone too? It feels so strange to be totally alone. Sometimes I have to fill in those forms and I have noone I can put as my next of kin contact, feels so strange, starting from scratch. Anyone else in this position? How do you cope? How do you manage? How do you see a future? Ive never been so hopeless before, ive never not had a plan.
      xx

    • #133938
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Hello iliketea

      Yes to so much of this. I do have some family and 2 very dear old friends but no one nearby. Always struggled to make friends so I’m not sure I can advise on how we go about that, just wanted to reach out and send you a hug. I can sense so much loneliness and exhaustion in your message.
      Something I try to help keep me feeling balanced is that something wonderful is s about to happen it most often is a very small thing like a bird whizzing past of I get a few minutes of a snuggle with one of my children. Or a perfect cup of tea. 😉
      Sending you love xx

    • #133947
      Whyohwhy
      Participant

      Yes I understand, I didn’t have friends for many years and my old friends have moved on and have their own circles which I no longer fit in with. I am lucky I had my family. When my daughter was a baby I managed to put my foot down about going to some baby groups and I made some aquaintences obviously I had to make excuses why I couldn’t meet up for play dates! Once I left my partner those aquaintences became friends and now we meet up. So to make new friends your best bet is to join your kids up to groups and then get chatting to the mums (I am also an older Mum) you are bound to find some mum’s your age but then again one of my best new friends is a lot younger than me, but we have similar interests. Another thing you can do is join local groups (your library should be able to help) for interests you have, hobbies, walking, exercise, volunteering. I know it can be overwhelming but you are bound to meet some people you like. Even if a group is all old people when you turn up you might be surprised how much fun they can be. I joined a group at the school to help other mums and we have such a laugh. You can do it x

    • #133950
      Weemebreeze
      Participant

      Hi, I just wanted you to know you’re not on your own, we’re all here for you whenever you need us, rooting for you and hoping for the very best for you. I’ve felt that same desperate sense of loneliness and hopelessness for a long time, it’s utterly terrifying and exhausting. It’s so hard to see everyone else settled and supposedly happy. Something changed for me a couple of months ago, a work colleague who I had confided in about the abuse, invited me out for a walk. A small thing but it meant an awful lot. It led to dinner and she introduced me to her friends. I suppose where I’m going with this is, hold on, it only takes one person to form a connection with and suddenly the loneliness isn’t as bad. One person can come when you least expect. I met this lady by pushing myself to go somewhere that I wouldn’t usually, it was worth the leap. Can you think of anything different that might create an opportunity? such as a walking group, class etc. Hold on, better days will come. Sending a hug ❤️

    • #133951
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Iliketea,

      Whyohwhy has a brilliant idea in signing your kids up to clubs. It may be worth approaching a few to see if they are able to offer free places. If you explain your situation, I would hope that they’d be amenable.

      You will start to form friendships but you have to chase them down. Perhaps try chatting to some of the younger Mums at the school gate. You may find you get on better and have more in common than you think.

      I recently tracked down an old school friend and contacted her on the Web. We exchanged a few conversations by email and we met up recently. It was the first time in decades that we’d seen eachother but we got on so well.

      She also has no friends in this area and seemed keen to rekindle our friendship. There are lots of women our age who are looking for companionship. We just need to track eachother down.

      You could also look into (detail removed by Moderator) in your local area. If there’s nothing suitable, you could start your own group for older mothers of younger children. That way, you can organise meet ups that you can all take your kids to. (detail removed by Moderator)

      You could also ask your local dv charity or GP if they or the local authority have any support groups for survivors of DA.

      Do you know your neighbours? Do any of them seem like people you’d like to get to know? If so, maybe it’s time to knock on their doors and introduce yourself. Invite them over for a coffee (you can have tea) 😉

      Having friends around you can make such a massive difference at times like these and they are out there.

      And I know it’s not the same but we’re always here too. Big hugs. xx

    • #133952
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes I do feel alone. That myself and the children don’t have anyone that cares about us as a priority. Family didn’t care or help and some friends have been supportive but always on their terms. New partner (now ex )turned out to be selfish and abusive too Left me feeling very jaded about people in general so although I feel alone I also sadly feel better not placing trust or hope in others for them to let me down again. I’m so exhausted by parenting with my ex, dealing with his behaviour, solicitors, working that I can’t even think about much else. I think it’s a good sign you’re even thinking about starting again and making friends. There’s a spark there. You can nurture that in small ways. If you have a look at some of Russ Harris Acceptance and Commitment Therapy books you will possibly find some hope there. Building your life around what really matters to you step by step.

    • #134004
      iliketea
      Participant

      Thank you for kind words and support. xx

    • #134007
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Don’t have any words of advice re: making friends at the moment as I’m in the same boat but just not at the stage where it’s on my mind. But what I did think when I read your post was a positive not a negative. You’re actually at the stage now where you are looking forward and thinking about what’s missing from your life (post getting out and all that entails) and how to make friends/build relationships for the future. To me that’s a Great Leap Forward. You’ve moved from survival mode to future mode. Ok your current circumstances are not ideal. But you recognise that and are asking for advice to improve that. Another step forward in your journey.

      you’ve been an amazing friend iliketea to so many on this forum. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t ever sell yourself short. You’re are such a supportive and giving person. I’m sure you will meet new people in your new life and make the friends you deserve. They will be lucky to have you xx

    • #134031
      cakepops
      Participant

      I felt like this for the first couple of years after leaving my ex. I found that I lost many friends over that time for a variety of reasons. Some this was due to practical differences e.g. not being able to afford to go to expensive places to meet up with our kids, not having childcare, or people wanting to do things with other types of families similar to them (being the only single mum seemed to make other peoples husbands uncomfortable around me which was ridiculous and insulting in equal measures). I also found that people got really uncomfortable if I mentioned things like not knowing what I was doing over holidays because of court, or having issues with my ex. I tried not to talk about these things, but it was hard when it was of relevance to so many aspects of my life.

      I have found that things did slowly change and improve over time. I have new friends now, who are ones that I am able to discuss everything with and don’t judge me. No partner but I have no interest in that yet.

      My ex does the same as yours in that he tried to monopolise settings we have in common e.g. school, local community (even though he doesn’t live near me). I have had CBT which did really help with coming to terms with the impact this has all had. I’d really recommend it.

      One think I have really struggled with is working out who I am / what I enjoy. MY ex was so controlling and negative when it came to even little things like what to watch on tv, films, music, books etc. This was from when I was just a young adult, so I really don’t have a clue what I like and struggle to know ‘who’ I am. I feel a bit like I know I’m not the person he wanted to make me, but as that’s gone I don’t know how to fill it. Its taking time, but I’m getting there slowly. You will to 🙂

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