Anyone found an alternative option to leave without fleeing?

[Newboundaries]

Trying to get my head around whether I flee with my child or work another way out. The problem is I am on a low income, no assets, no savings and lots of debt so won’t have a good credit record, and no one able to help me financially or act as a guarantor.I am trying to go self employed and close to launching but keep losing my focus with everything going on.
I want to migrate but not sure how I am going to be able to rent privately as even if I did manage to scrape together the deposit surely the landlord won’t accept me? I am working with a local charity who are brilliant, just wanted to see if anyone has tried to find an alternative to a refuge.
If I need to, I will take up the flee option but can’t get my head around having to flee with my little one and leaving him in the s**t financially, emotionally and having to pick up the pieces. we rent privately and it is likely he will have to move out then too. Although I am in a worse position but I don’t mind going back down to a small home as I know I will soon get myself back up in time with my business.
I am trying to chat things through with him to not put him in this position but we just go around in circles. I know its not my responsibility worrying about how he is going to cope, but I can’t help myself.

I rather a clean break but sadly neither of us can afford a clean break. Although even if we could afford that he won’t let me walk with our child and then I will need to find expensive solicitor fees.

I do know I can’t put up with this for much longer, I am feeling drained by going around in circles with him (wanting to work on the marriage) and just want to move on with my life and desperately want to migrate over the next few months.

[KIP.]

My advice is to go with your child and stop trying to negotiate with him. Once you’ve moved and are settled and safe then you can deal with any financial and legal issues. You may qualify for legal aid. Discussing it with him won’t work. It’s also dangerous. Lean on the domestic abuse charity x

[Newboundaries]

Thanks KIP. Saw your response on my other forum too. I know what you’re saying, makes perfect sense. I need to think about this over the next few days and speak to the charity. You’re right he is going to get to the stage where he is going to do his own research and find a way to stop me legally and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took our child away. Deep breath! x

[KIP.]

It’s better to deal with any grief for your relationship you may feel or guilt you may feel than the utter devastation of knowing he has your child and holds all the cards. That will be his aim because if he holds the cards then he hold you. The FOG of abuse won’t last once you’ve left. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. When we are traumatised we dint think straight. The first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave and take your child to safety. Mental and physical safety. Yes deep breath. You’re stronger than you think x build that support network round you for what’s to come x

[fizzylem]

When there isn’t abuse you can dicuss and reach the end together hey, both parties see it as each being responsible to work out what you both will do next, how it will look and action this. Problem here is he doesn’t want to be reasonable does he, he wont help and will do anything he can to make it harder, put obstacles in your way.

Some buddhist centres take people in; the one near me is lovely, set in beautiful grounds, a great place to convalesce, you can pay a small amount for lodgings, or sometimes work in exchange for lodgings, they take individuals and families, can really help to give someone the space and time they need, remove life’s pressures for a bit, the help you need to get back on your feet. A friend of mine stayed here after she left an abusive relationship, said it was the best thing she ever gave to herself. You’d be surrounding yourself with people who are none intrusive, that care, can help a person to feel safe and restore the calm in life that you need. Breath again.

Also some churches take in the vulnerable; you don’t need to be assigned to any of these faiths, they welcome all people x

[fizzylem]

You could ask the local vicar; he may be able to point you in the right direction, and if he/she doesn’t know, he/she would know who to ask to find out x

[Newboundaries]

Thanks Fizzylem for the suggestions. Yes and I need to remind myself that if this was a normal situation I would just be able to go and to go without fear. I guess I am angry after this very long relationship that I am being prevented to leave it when I want and with my life belongings not just essentials. I need to start taking one day at a time, try to squirrel some money away and see where it takes me, it is likely I will be the taking the first option as I don’t see another way out x

[KIP.]

On a practical note keep all the evidence you can of his threats and coercive control. Keep a journal and tell your GP. Evidence is crucial for the future. For non molestation orders, occupation orders and any court dealings. Confide in people you trust and keep emails texts, witnesses names and details. There’s an anti stalking app I used for incidents if you’re phone is safe. Download it and take a look.

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