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Yes it’s what I had. Basically our abuser has taught us that trying to escape is impossible for us. Each time we have tried to confront him or escape in the past it hasn’t gone well for us so psychologically we learn not to try again and resign ourselves to learned helplessness. I think it’s exhaustion too. But you will find many similarities with kidnap victims and hostages. The mental brainwashing is incredible.
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No it means your lightbulb has switched on and you’re beginning to understand all about abuse. You’re actually in a positive place because you’re recognising abuse and how and why it happens. You know his game. How it has affected you. That’s great. Too many of us never understand and get stuck in the fog and denial. It’s also painful to realise just how badly abused we have been so be very kind to yourself.
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Yes, I still hole up there even though he’s long gone. Try as much self care as you can, exercise, eating healthy, drinking loads of water, in time you’ll feel physically stronger and that helps with the mental exhaustion. See it as baby steps to leaving, building yourself up to be stronger all round. Same with a support network, GP, local domestic abuse agency, trusted friends, family, school teachers, work. Read as much as possible, learn about this and what makes them tick, and its effect on you. Knowledge is power. Once you know what’s going on. You’ll feel stronger to get out, if that’s what you want. Posting here is a great step, everything and anything you do for you, is a massive step, you’ll get there. Push him to the background of your thoughts, put yourself first. Its hard but you’ll get there. Keep posting and stay safe. xx
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I think its also part of the reason we feel so trapped and they manipulate us when we do find the strength to try to leave. I did an evening class in psychology and found it fascinating and it shed lots of light on what happened to me. Google cognitive dissonance.
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Wow what a great insight True2myself! I think I’ve had it since childhood and definitely still experience it in my current situation. It makes me think of an explanation I’ve read for the evolution of feeling despair. The example was a baby animal looking for its mother. At some point the poor thing will run out of energy so it has a better chance of survival if it gives up and conserves energy. It’s a sad thought. I guess we’re all that baby animal hoping to be rescued until we can find the strength and love to rescue ourselves. Xxxxx
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I don’t think you’ll be that way if he wasn’t there. Don’t underestimate the impact of the abuse on you. You’re living in a war zone. Sure there will be healing to do when you leave but it will be different. I asked one of my best friends to describe me for a work exercise and he basically said I’m like a shadow of my former self. He’s right and I know it’s because of my home situation.
The first step to healing is recognising, which you’ve already done. Leaving will allow you to take care of yourself and heal. I used to want to be rescued like you described and sometimes I still do. But mostly I want to be the one who rescues me. Xxxx
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Google Prochaska and DiClement The Cycle of Change model.
It’s a great way of looking at how we stay in the same pattern and round and round we go x
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I often sit in the same spot in the house, on the floor. Not necessarily because it’s ‘safe’ from him but I just find it a bit comforting for some reason.
I watched a youtube video of Dr Ramani’s which spoke about how helplessness leads to hopelessness.
I agree that learning about abuse gives you more strength which will hopefully be enough to leave when ready. I hope I get there eventually and I hope you do too. Xx -
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Abuse messes with our head. My safe place was always my house and when I had a panic attack I’d rush back here. But here is where the monster lived but it still felt safe. As humans we crave what is ‘normal’ to us. Even if it’s abuse. We fear change but change is good. Change is our friend x
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