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    • #120527
      True2myself
      Participant

      Hi without saying what, in my home I have a safe place away from him. But when he’s working I have the whole house cos he isn’t here but I still stay in my safe place. I’ve recently heard of… Learned helplessness. What do you all think of you have heard of it

    • #120528
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes it’s what I had. Basically our abuser has taught us that trying to escape is impossible for us. Each time we have tried to confront him or escape in the past it hasn’t gone well for us so psychologically we learn not to try again and resign ourselves to learned helplessness. I think it’s exhaustion too. But you will find many similarities with kidnap victims and hostages. The mental brainwashing is incredible.

      • #120536
        True2myself
        Participant

        Does this mean I’m in a real bad way

      • #120547
        KIP.
        Participant

        No it means your lightbulb has switched on and you’re beginning to understand all about abuse. You’re actually in a positive place because you’re recognising abuse and how and why it happens. You know his game. How it has affected you. That’s great. Too many of us never understand and get stuck in the fog and denial. It’s also painful to realise just how badly abused we have been so be very kind to yourself.

      • #120553
        True2myself
        Participant

        Oh that’s great. I was starting to worry I’m more damaged than I thought. Tomorrow I’m gonna try get healthier. I need to push myself. Drink more water and try eat better

    • #120529
      iliketea
      Participant

      Yes, I still hole up there even though he’s long gone. Try as much self care as you can, exercise, eating healthy, drinking loads of water, in time you’ll feel physically stronger and that helps with the mental exhaustion. See it as baby steps to leaving, building yourself up to be stronger all round. Same with a support network, GP, local domestic abuse agency, trusted friends, family, school teachers, work. Read as much as possible, learn about this and what makes them tick, and its effect on you. Knowledge is power. Once you know what’s going on. You’ll feel stronger to get out, if that’s what you want. Posting here is a great step, everything and anything you do for you, is a massive step, you’ll get there. Push him to the background of your thoughts, put yourself first. Its hard but you’ll get there. Keep posting and stay safe. xx

      • #120537
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you I just discovered this was a thing when he left for work and I couldn’t go anywhere but this same spot and it made me feel low like how can I not function, he’s gone for hours. I should be happy but nope nothing.

    • #120530
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think its also part of the reason we feel so trapped and they manipulate us when we do find the strength to try to leave. I did an evening class in psychology and found it fascinating and it shed lots of light on what happened to me. Google cognitive dissonance.

      • #120538
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you yeah I’ll Google that for sure

    • #120531
      KIP.
      Participant

      Plausible deniability was another phrase. That’s for him. He always had some excuse or other.

      • #120539
        True2myself
        Participant

        Wow. I think it would be a good post to list the names of things cos I’m looking way in and just knowing some things and I’ve googled alot

      • #120618
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I agree this would be a great post.
        A list of all the different ‘key words’ and a short definition.. gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, coercive control etc. x

    • #120532
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Wow what a great insight True2myself! I think I’ve had it since childhood and definitely still experience it in my current situation. It makes me think of an explanation I’ve read for the evolution of feeling despair. The example was a baby animal looking for its mother. At some point the poor thing will run out of energy so it has a better chance of survival if it gives up and conserves energy. It’s a sad thought. I guess we’re all that baby animal hoping to be rescued until we can find the strength and love to rescue ourselves. Xxxxx

      • #120540
        True2myself
        Participant

        That’s definitely it. I sometimes be in my safe place and I think I want someone to come wrap me in bubble wrap and take me away. Now I’m thinking of I’m like that I’ll be this way if he’s here or not

      • #120546
        ISOPeace
        Participant

        I don’t think you’ll be that way if he wasn’t there. Don’t underestimate the impact of the abuse on you. You’re living in a war zone. Sure there will be healing to do when you leave but it will be different. I asked one of my best friends to describe me for a work exercise and he basically said I’m like a shadow of my former self. He’s right and I know it’s because of my home situation.

        The first step to healing is recognising, which you’ve already done. Leaving will allow you to take care of yourself and heal. I used to want to be rescued like you described and sometimes I still do. But mostly I want to be the one who rescues me. Xxxx

      • #120552
        True2myself
        Participant

        Hopefully it won’t be long, things happening I think and then I can try fix his damage

    • #120535
      KIP.
      Participant

      Google Prochaska and DiClement The Cycle of Change model.

      It’s a great way of looking at how we stay in the same pattern and round and round we go x

    • #120543
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I often sit in the same spot in the house, on the floor. Not necessarily because it’s ‘safe’ from him but I just find it a bit comforting for some reason.
      I watched a youtube video of Dr Ramani’s which spoke about how helplessness leads to hopelessness.
      I agree that learning about abuse gives you more strength which will hopefully be enough to leave when ready. I hope I get there eventually and I hope you do too. Xx

      • #120544
        True2myself
        Participant

        Yeah same. He can still get me. I feel attached to this floor. I feel calmness when I get on this part. It’s very sad to be happy I’m not alone cos that would mean you feel this way to but I am glad I’m not alone x

      • #120617
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Me too. Just keep doing little things for yourself, that’s what I try to do. Even just having a nice bath with essential oils or burning a nice candle and reading a book.
        Yes I agree, I don’t wish it on anyone but it certainly brings comfort knowing others understand 💞

    • #120548
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abuse messes with our head. My safe place was always my house and when I had a panic attack I’d rush back here. But here is where the monster lived but it still felt safe. As humans we crave what is ‘normal’ to us. Even if it’s abuse. We fear change but change is good. Change is our friend x

      • #120551
        True2myself
        Participant

        I totally understand that all

    • #120550
      True2myself
      Participant

      I am really glad I posted this today. This is really good information on this topic. Thank you all

    • #120557
      KIP.
      Participant

      💕

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