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For those of us who are now in RECOVERY stage, ie, are definitely out for good and moving on ourselves.
Do any of us actually think we made a mistake by leaving for good?
I can categorically say leaving was not a mistake. My ex has abused both wives after me, one of whom has tried to take her own life (detail removed by moderator) whilst married to him.
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Honestly, things have been up and down. There is a loooooong road ahead and I am not sure how things are going to pan out, there could be some things happen which I am not quite sure how I will deal with
BUT
In getting out- I chose LIFE.
I have learnt and achieved so much since getting out, being on here helps me to see that.
I am starting to reconnect with the world, I am starting to find me again.
I’ve built a good support network
I’m not afraid/ashamed to ask for help
I am starting to care less about s**t that doesn’t matter- sometimes I still find that hard, I just want to be liked and to fit in and my path doesn’t always make that easy but I think that I’m finding what my purpose might be- if that makes sense?
Actually, sometimes I do question whether I actually do want to fit in with certain things anymore? Because it was trying to ‘fit’ kept me in for longer. I am quite proud to be a MODERN WITCH if that’s what they need me to be. If the cap fits and all that! 2 V’s up and embrace the rebel that was always in me. Born to be different and stand out from the crowd anyways.
And so, whatever might come my way, I feel more determined than ever that I will LIVE (as opposed to existing, or wishing not to exist).
So yeh, No Regrets. Pipe down perpetrators. Rise Sisters!Soulsearcher18
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No regrets to leave and know I have done the right thing, if I ever do have a wobble I remind myself of all the things he put me through emotionally and how in the relationship he never gave it was always his way (didn’t see it that way at the time, if I did I always put up with it) have been having a few off days recently not so much about my decision but how he is behaving with his new partner and her kids – the way he should have been with me all the time. And just been told tonight that he has deleted all pictures bar two of me from his Facebook account as if I ever existed. I know a n********t and abuser never fully change and know that his true traits will come out eventually. It’s also coming up to the year mark when I walked out and left him for good and I think that’s what’s playing on my mind a bit more recently.
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Heaven’s No!!!! Whatever little pang of boo-hoo that pops up gets pulled out by it’s poisonous roots, stomped on, burned and flushed down the toilet. Trash in, trash out. I wish I could go back to the beginning so I could spit in his face. ok,ok, back to my calm happy place…..that wasn’t a trigger was it? LOL!
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I don’t regret a thing now!
I’m not fully recovered, and I had multiple abusive relationships, but my pattern of recovery generally goes as follows:
1) identify abuse
2) Leave abuser
3) Confusion: Back & forth, wondering whether there was abuse at all, whether I’m overreacting or making it up. (But when I write it down it helps me to see what happened objectively)
Wondering whether I’m the “bad” one, or if they are. Sometimes when I see them as bad, I have fantasies of revenge.
In this phase I sometimes go back to my abuser.4) Blocking them out of my mind: I forget about the abuser, and when I think of them there is no emotional attachment. I don’t have a negative reaction, as I should to abuse, but I don’t want to go back to them either. When I really think about the abuse or write it down, I do have quite a negative reaction.
5) I see them as bad, on a pretty consistent basis. I do not desire to go back to them. Sometimes involves fantasies of revenge, but evolves into just wanting to move on with my own life and not think about them anymore, as they have already controlled me enough. In this phase, I still suffer a lot of mental health issues as a result of abuse.
I am still at stage 5 but I hope to keep moving forwards! I have medication and am starting therapy for my diagnosed CPTSD.
This is just my personal tale of recovery, but ultimately, no I don’t regret escaping anymore now that I am more recovered. Best of luck to all of you on your journey of recovery
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Yes @Eggshells, so so so true. xx
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Sometimes. I know we’re probably not supposed to, but sometimes. The price I have had to pay for leaving was very high. I think if the judge hadn’t agreed that I wanted to be hurt, it might have been easier.
Most of the time, no.
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Hi all, thanks for this positive post. I needed to hear this today as have had a really bad few days of feeling absolutely lost and overwhelmed. I don’t regret it, but I was with him for a very long time and so my whole being and life is still wrapped up with him, I haven’t exorcised him yet!! Its not regrets whatsoever, but its the emotions and the healing and post-recovery that is so hard, along with all the practicalities. I really hope I will be as strong and positive as you guys a way down the line.
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Not for a second. I deeply regret with all my being that I wasted my life on him. Profoundly regret that.
Every day is revelation.i have had more kindness from strangers in the last few months than in decades with him. I am allowing myself to recognise his utter cruelty to me and my children and realising the superhuman effort I had to use to get away from him, during the pandemic. I know I am super damaged and can never be with another person, ever.trauma symptoms are ever present bubbling under my skin like a dark green poison.Every day is a long slow relaxed heaven as long as I am in complete solitude with my dogs. If I had stayed I would have died, or been murdered. I do not say that lightly or in jest.
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Cecile you sound incredibly brave. Enjoy your slow and relaxed days – and your loyal and loving dogs – you deserve so much peace and happiness to make up for what you have described. The kindness from strangers is a revelation to me too. I am not accused of coming on to strangers, or saying something inappropriate or ‘over sharing’. I just speak my truth and someone responds with kindness and compassion. Its what the normal world is like – not paranoid, jealous and judgemental and – who knew? – I am not crazy, mad, over emotional or embarrassing when I open my mouth!
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Oh my god that is exactly my experience. I find myself checking people’s expressions as I speak to them looking for hostility and negativity and it’s not there. He used to say it was embarrassing when I spoke to people. I thought it was true. I am worried because after these normal conversations now with new people I spend hours agonising on my own as to people’s reactions…what did they really think of me…double checking my memory of the conversation for hostility….not good is it.😕
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Cecile, I think your over-analysing could be a characteristic of a people-pleaser. Many of us invest too much energy into how we think others react to what we have said or done. Rarely do we hold others up to the same standards. We’re quick to excuse other people if they’re harsh or dismissive or talk over us. If our opinions are ridiculed we’re more likely to be down on ourselves than the thoughtless individual who thought that their opinions are right by default.
These days I frequently find myself having an out of body experience, observing myself conversing with confidence – with strangers, family or friends, it’s the same feeling.
The original post asked if we regretted getting out. No I don’t! For me, it’s been a positive outcome of getting out – feeling the absolute confidence to say what I want to who I want. Only occasionally worrying that I’ve upset anyone. Being brave enough to ask them directly and, without fail, being told not to be so daft!
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Nope, I am so so so so SO glad I broke free. I can’t even tell you how much. It is literally a lifeline, since these men kill their partners on an alarmingly frequent basis. When we get out, we have a chance at life, to taste freedom and peace and joy yet again and it’s the best feeling in the world.
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