Anyone recognise this as abuse? Arguments

[WildAngels]

So
We could be discussing ANYTHING
Something big
Something small
Not even anything contentious
Then he starts;
Undermining me
Making ridiculous accusations
Bringing in “old arguments” from the past
Just doesn’t let up, until I’m crying
Then STILL keeps on at me
Just going on and on

Then finally slowly changes tack
Shifts the “blame” elsewhere
I’m so relived at this point
I just agree with him

And he carries on like this.
Until I’ve agreed to whatever it is

In his mind we’ve had a discussion, and a “compromise” has been made

Weve both agreed to whatever he’s said

But that’s not how it feels to me

Anyone had this?

[Twisted Sister]

Hello WildAngels

I am sorry for your suffering.

The key thing that jumps out at me is what would you do if someone you were having a discussion with, like your mum, or a close friend, anyone who is dear to you, that you love, started to cry? Listen to your gut reaction, how would you react when you saw them start to cry?

I know I would stop, be very concerned, alarmed that I might have caused this distress, and I’m sure you would too, right? so this is your answer.

If this continually happened in any of your other relationships, you would either gently try to understand the tears of theirs, and if you couldn’t would have to walk away. You would likely offer words like, ‘how can I help’, ‘what has happened’, ‘I’m sorry this is so upsetting, maybe we talk about it another time’, at least give them the opportunity to share the hurt and be willing to try to understand. This is what is healthy in relationships, which would make you the healthy one emotionally. For him to continue driving through and forcing on with his rant (as this is what he sounds like), whilst you are in tears and then controlling the outcome so manipulatively, makes him toxic.

This is harming you, each and every time it happens, you are being shut down with no voice, and no other means of expression other than being reduced to tears. This isn’t something anyone with a healthy psychology wants from a discussion. A discussion is for understanding each other, deepening that understanding, gaining some insights and adapting /accepting another’s point of view disagrees with your own.

What’s happening to you is the opposite, and he’s using this to deliberately upset and control you’ I can hear your resignation in your words, you are left no choice but to submit to it time and again. This silences you and makes you do as you’re told basically.

Do keep talking and understanding here, amongst women who are listening and wanting to engage in healthy discussions, for positive outcomes.

warmest wishes

ts

[Pinkstar]

This sounds just like my husband. I can never have my own point of view and he gets angry when I disagree with him, I just agree and have done for years to keep the peace.

[Bananaboat]

Yes, it distracts from the issue at hand & moves the blame onto you from them. Abusers will do whatever it takes to make you stop questioning them and comply serving their needs. I’m going to guess you don’t bring things up as often as you used to and as you say, even when you do it ends in a ‘compromise’ where he wins.

[Eyesopening]

Horrible abuse, just like my abusive ex.
It breaks you down, you will probably be an open person, who wants an equal relationship where you can share your concerns and talk about things in a kind considerate way.
But you wont get that.
The more you open up and want to talk about things, the more he will do this.
He will use all the info you tell him for future abuse. Read How he gets into her head by Don Hennessey.
Until eventually you give up, you stop bring up anything becuase your so worn out you just have no strength to keep fighting for what you believe in. Then he’s got what he wanted. He doesnt want a relationship, he wants a dictatorship, where he is the king and you are his slave.
I remember I used to have dreams where I was screaming but no sound was coming out, it was horrible. But that’s what these relationships do to us. Takes away our fight our voice, who we are.
x*x

[WildAngels]

Thank you all
Ive been separated for several months now (after a very long marriage), and just trying to make sense of things.
This isnt the only example, but a good indication of how things have been
Is it deliberate do you think??

Of all things is was an argument about the war in Syria thats stuck in my mind
He’d misunderstood something, and was just getting angrier and angrier
He just wouldn’t listen to reason, and I ended up just agreeing to keep the peace

Thats when I started to think about all the other things I agree to
Banana boat yes you are correct “I’m going to guess you don’t bring things up as often as you used to ”

Participant ” It breaks you down, you will probably be an open person, who wants an equal relationship where you can share your concerns and talk about things in a kind considerate way.” thats exactly it, thank you

AND

Until eventually you give up, you stop bring up anything becuase your so worn out you just have no strength to keep fighting for what you believe in. Then he’s got what he wanted. He doesnt want a relationship, he wants a dictatorship, where he is the king and you are his slave
Very true

TS “left no choice but to submit to it time and again. This silences you and makes you do as you’re told basically.” This is absolutely it

I brought some books, and will look at the one you’ve suggested

Its so very helpful to talk to people to “get it”

Ive been thinking the drinking was our main problem, but actually it goes MUCH deeper than that

(TS Iam I.m me is my new anthem!)

Will this thread stay on the site? I want to refer to it, when Im feeling unsure

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes I used to blame the drinking, then the drugs, depression etc etc but eventually we realise it’s abuse and only done to us inside our home. If you haven’t got it on your list then I’d highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ and the freedom programme. It’s hard to realise everything was planned and had a purpose so be kind to yourself while your brain reconfigures the relationship xx

[WildAngels]

Yes Ive got both Lundy Bancrofts book and the freedom book by Pat Craven (living with the dominator)
Every time I read them, I learn something new
My mind isn’t what it used to be, and I’m having to re-read stuff. Ive even put notes in the books as a reminder!

I guess some of the problem is accepting how WRONG I’ve been.
I’ve allowed myself to get lost with it all
I tolerated so much, “knowing” things would change, despite reality

My children have been thru so much (not physical), again I thought we would turn things around and be a family

One of the last things he did was stop me doing a weekly activity with my daughter, that we both enjoyed. And I just accepted it. Didn’t argue, or even discuss it. Just said OK

Your right about re-configuring the relationship
And re-configuring DECADES of my life
But its also about accepting my BIG decisions were wrong

Wrong for me, very wrong for the children

Thanks again

[WildAngels]

sorry just realised I quoted participant earlier
Should be eyesopening
Great username by the way

[Twisted Sister]

“I’ve allowed…”

If you’d had choice here, then it wouldn’t be abuse, but you didn’t so you couldn’t control the dynamic to ‘allow’ or not. You didn’t have a choice, so be a little kinder to yourself and more generous with the survival role you were made to play, just surviving is all you do, and you have to block certain things in your mind in order to survive, these things come up once you are free, afterwards.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I would save yourself a link to this post so that you can always find it, and you can tag it so that you could bring up a list of # with your label on.

Or just ss the page and save it for yourself?

[Gerbil]

Dear Wildangels
I am so sorry that you and your children lived with this abuse.
I can often relate to posts on here but I could have written your post word for word ( apart from the fact that I am still here).
Please remember you are not at fault. You were trapped in the cycle of abuse.
Take care x

[Fay of the North]

This is what my partner is like.
He shouts at me and says things over and over and over again, he can go on for hours till I’m crying till I’m hysterical. I will end up agreeing with whatever he says even if I don’t truly. I will end up apologising even if I’m not sorry but just to make it stop. Then he will be upset that I’m not actually sorry.

Sorry to hear you’re going throght that, thank you for sharing I found the comments to your post helpful and eye opening. It too made me not bring things up as much anymore and “left no choice but to submit to it time and again. This silences you and makes you do as you’re told basically.”

[Dino]

Hi All, its unbelievable how much all your experiences are ringing so many bells, it is comforting to see that some of you have come out the other side, this gives me hope.

I believed I was a strong person & that I would never be in this kind of relationship, but they are so conniving, sneaky & have only their own agendas, for instance I had a bad headache the other day & was about to take some medication, I’d told him, he then decided to (detail removed by Moderator), I asked if he could wait 5/10mins till I felt better, he then stared shouting & swearing at me that I’m always criticising him, & he may as well move out as no one cares about his feelings, he wants to sell our propertyfor cheaper one so he can put the money in his savings to keep it safe, no mayter how I argue it should be in our joint account, if I say I’ve had enough he threatens to harm himself, I’m just waking up to how bad things have gotten & that he’ll never change

[Author]

Posts