16th November 2021 at 2:48 am #134072Kitkat44Participant
I’m feeling so confused! How many partners claim to have seen the error of their ways and admit fault?
Is it another tactic to gain power and control? And manipulate?
Sending love xx
16th November 2021 at 6:03 am #134079KIP.Participant
They will try anything and say anything but the truth is in his behaviour. Don’t listen to a word he says. Write down all the abusive episodes. Abusers don’t stop abusing, they change tactics. Google the cycle of abuse x
16th November 2021 at 7:21 am #134081Jedi warriorParticipant
Yes their behaviour leaves us very confused ..when I was trying to leave ex husband he wrote me a letter saying how wrong he had been to me ..then ..few weeks later went looking for letter and took it back ..Still saying I’m his world and he will love me forever he will never see how his behaviour led to our long marriage breaking down will also not accept unreasonable behavior stated in divorce petition..strongly denied..I’m accepting now that he can’t or will not ever see his abusive behaviour and that gives me some closure on that I’m making the right decision to move on ..
28th December 2021 at 3:22 am #136099MedusaParticipant
Hi KitKat 44
I am sitting here in the middle of the night and can’t sleep. The heading of this post from November caught my eye.
I told my husband at the end of (detail removed by moderator) that I want to separate. I have been neglecting how his behavior has been impacting me for many years. There has been some shouting demeaning names (rarely thought), a lot of sitting on the sofa with an (detail removed by moderator) whilst I sort the kitchen, ignoring my requests to agree how we want to look after the house. I work full time and therefore believe the house work is for us both to deal with. There has also been a lot of pressure on our kids. Lots of lecturing them about maturity, taking responsibility etc etc from very early ages. They have also been called names, one has been held down physically when wanting to run into his room. Our eldest has also been told things like ‘if you behave like that we have to (detail removed by moderator)’ when having a panic attack.
I would say he has gone over the line but it is rarer that from what I can see on most posts here. That doesn’t make it ok though and my therapist has said that the physical feelings I get when he gets angry are signs of trauma.
This year I finally confronted him on it all and we tried talking, individual therapy and some couples therapy. In the end I said I don’t want this anymore, I want to separate.
He has now said he understands and that he has been wrong. He really has changed a lot of his behaviors. He is not shouting and not saying demeaning things. He says he understands that the relationship we had is now gone, dead. BUT he wants this new behavior to now mean that we continue as a new beginning. He thinks that as I loved him once I can love him again. People change… I now get talked to as if I am a bad person for not loving this new man. He gives examples of what therapists have said that makes me sound like a crazy person who doesn’t make any effort to save our marriage. He seems convinced that he can swipe me off my feet again. Suddenly he is looking after himself like never before, puts on music, sings along. He gave me a xmas card that explained how much he loves me, books dinners out, talks about how he wants kisses in front of the kids, constantly asks me how I am.
The honest answer is I am pretty c**p!! But when I once told him how bad I really felt he later told me that his therapist was worried I could be a danger to our children. That really scared me and was the final straw. I do not trust him. We are looking for a flat to separate but the market isn’t great. In the meantime he’s behaving as if we are as good as ever. I find it frightening, weird. And it’s as if he won’t accept that I don’t love him anymore.
That was a very long answer to the question if anyone has experience of someone actually admitted they’ve done wrong. Yes!! But I am starting to think I would have preferred continued conflict so I could just end it on that basis. Now it’s all down to me ‘not wanting to try’, ‘not putting the family first’
He is either trying and just doesn’t quite know what to do or he actually very manipulative.
Anyone else who has experienced this?
28th December 2021 at 11:33 am #136108Kitkat44Participant
I hope you managed to get some sleep. There have been some fab replies to your post. I would also agree that what has helped me with this sudden turn around is that he has confirmed for me that my institution was right and because of other more intimate things he has admitted to it has been telling me for years and years that something was wrong. So his change set me off balance to start with but now I use it to reassure myself that I was right all along.
And I have seen glimpses of the lovely side of him over Christmas and also the ugly side came back when he has a row with one of our boys.
What I absolutely truly know for sure is that I’m not ok in this marriage (Dr Shefali’s book A Radical Awakening was so powerful-I listened to it on Audible)
Also the podcast Untamed (and book by Glennon Doyle)
I’m sending you love, this is incredibly hard but we will get there.
28th December 2021 at 5:06 am #136100Twisted SisterParticipant
Trying to force kisses in front of the children is highly manipulative, as is coming back to you with what the counsellor is supposed to have said, when they don’t speak to you, and neither should they in an abuse relationship like this.
What you describe is part of the cycle I would say. Its all coercion and abuse whether its blatantly negative and dangerous or wheedling and seemingly positive, he’s still denying your reality, shutting it out, refusing to actually hear you or engage with it, instead using other tactics to rapidly turn the tables on you.
You don’t trust him you’ve said, and that’s all you need to know. The trust is gone, the love is gone, its really irrelevant what he does now, except he’s being abusive and thats dangerous.
I have seen myself, and read a lot on here about how abusive men create a massive cover to hide the abuse as soon as they detect their partner is onto them, for all their life’s worth, they start to portray a totally other picture of themselves. I don’t think its unusual, and lots of apologies with promises to change, but this only comes when it seems the control is really slipping of their partner and so a different tactic is required, but he hasn’t changed, he’s just trying a different way.
I would be careful in your position of what he’s capable of. Take all the support you can get, and don’t go to any couples counselling where he can further abuse you and twist things against you. Paint an alternative reality to everyone. I’ve seen time and again the way that situations get twisted against you to make a perp look good, and you mad.
Leave, but without discussing it with him. Continue with your plan, but keep it to yourself, or only very very trusted close family/friends who can help you with leaving,
warmest wishes ts
28th December 2021 at 5:14 am #136101Twisted SisterParticipant
You fine it frightening, and thats your answer. Maybe its time to lodge with friends and family until the sale goes through if he’s treating you this way. I’ve had this done, and you’re right, its super weird. Stick with your instincts.
He’s relying on you not contesting this reality he is painting, that you will kiss in front of the children, because to resist will cause a scene…talk to the children, tell them whats happening and they will then understand that its weird he would try to keep kissing you. Explain to them, age dependent, whats appropriate and whats not, and they will also then see what you see. You don’t need express negativity about him, just boundaries and reality, that their parents are separating and will not get back together and that its important that peoples decisions are respected. Its going to be hard on them, but he’s made this situation and you said yourself, you’ve neglected the impact its been having on you (all). x
28th December 2021 at 9:53 am #136102Grey RockParticipant
Sounds like the cycle of abuse has just worked round to a lovebombing phase. As your gut already knows, this won’t last, and wouldn’t do whatever your reaction to it might be. Trust your gut.
I eventually understand that there would never be a time that my ex would understand and accept that he’d caused too much damage and been given too many chances. I left and stayed left despite the love bombing, the humiliation of him contacting friends and family and spreading horrible things (after promising me he’d turn everyone against me), suicide threats, and stalking and harassment. Plenty of other times I remembered him telling me he’d never ever let me go, kill any new partners I ever met, veiled threats “til death do us part” etc. I went no contact and grey rocked through it.
The thing is we often have survived by trying to accommodate their demands and expectations and avoiding saying no as we know it’ll cause problems. Of course, when we start saying no they do (as expected) up the ante with their controlling, coercive and abusive behaviours. Be ready. Dr Ramani YouTube videos really helped me educate myself and stick to my decision that last time, and the support of Women’s Aid was invaluable too.
Good luck. You’ll be in my prayers.
28th December 2021 at 10:01 am #136103MedusaParticipant
Thank you so much for your answers. It’s a surreal experience and as you know sometimes difficult to share with others because it looks like I am getting exactly what I wanted – which is also his point…
I have been listening to to podcast love and abuse, which is helping me a lot. When the topic was discussed not to show your frustration I had goose bumps. It made me understand why I felt so upset when I shared how I sometimes cause myself pain because I feel frustrated. This was later thrown right in my face (supported by the supposed judgements of the therapist). I learned the grey rock method on that podcast. So that is what I do now, I just keep calm and don’t react (visibly!!!)
Thank you again and I can’t believe I am still in slight denial. He’s not THAT bad…
I read so many posts on here yesterday. Stay strong, you are all amazing x
28th December 2021 at 10:11 am #136104orangefrogParticipant
These posts are so helpful! I don’t feel so alone. I can relate to everything above, even the the detail of a child being pinned to the ground. I just wanted to post so you know others are experiencing similar behaviours and feelings. I’m afraid I’m also in and amongst it so don’t have the solutions or advice more experienced members have. I too find myself saying, it was OK, he’s not THAT bad. Thank you for sharing xx
28th December 2021 at 1:28 pm #136111EggshellsParticipant
Yes, my ex admitted to rape and coercive control. It was just a ruse to try and convince me he’d changed.
When he realised that I was leaving anyway, he claimed he’d never raped me or controlled me and claimed he’d never admitted to rape or coercive control.
28th December 2021 at 5:21 pm #136125LottieblueParticipant
This is a really interesting thread which really got me thinking – thank you @kitkat for starting it and @medusa for bring it back up.
My partner has never admitted to abuse. But when I first left him he did write me an email saying how this was his fault and that was his fault and I should go back to him so that we could work on it together. What a joke. The point that I think is missing is that abuse is based in an attitude. It’s not about them snoring (now that they know they are doing it they will make every effort to stop) or breaking wind (now that they know that it upsets you they can try to control it), it’s about how they perceive you, regard you. So it comes from within. So yes, they can change the way they behave, they can start being nice, helping round the house, pull their weight with the kids, whatever it is they think is going to make a difference with you, but the bottom line is they still see you as “less than” and that will start to show again, at some point. When he was being abusive, before his miraculous transformation, he didn’t just do those things that were abusive, he thought it was ok.
Needless to say he no longer takes any responsibility for anything.
There’s a really good book, which someone on here recommended, called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It’s quite hard going in places, just because of the way it’s written, but the premise is that we all exist in one of two realities – Reality I is “Power Over” and Reality II is “Personal Power”. Abusers, surprise surprise, exist in Reality I. It’s Power Over vs Mutuality. It’s about their attitude to you.
23rd February 2022 at 5:51 pm #139570AllAdriftParticipant
My ex stated that he couldn’t see my point of view about the emotional abuse, he didn’t get it, thought I making something out of nothing but (detail removed by moderator) so something must be wrong with him. Yay! Success I thought and we agreed to couples therapy.
In the therapy I told her how he made me feel (scared and disgusted in the body a lot of the time). She seemed to overlook this as he poured out his heart (detail removed by moderator) aren’t intended to be abusive. He said he would not do those things again. But he started doing other things, more subtle like (detail removed by moderator) I started crying after news of a family members death. He had zero empathy. He made me a cup of tea but (detail removed by moderator). I just froze up and couldn’t cry with him around. Things like that. It’s like he got more deeply resentful because he couldn’t behave and say what he liked.
Instead of carrying on with the therapy, I ended the relationship. I decided I couldn’t afford any of it in my life. I could see he would never change enough and my trust was totally destroyed in him and would haunt us forever.
This was my story anyway.
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