Apparently I am angry all of the time…

[colouringinfairy]

My best friend and I have been living with our landlords daughter for a while and it has all come to a nasty head as both her and her parents are charging us through the roof for rent and leaving many things in the flat in disrepair. I came to the end of my tether with it and they have given us notice to vacate. Obviously gutted as thought this girl was my friend and the stress of having to move when I have the police investigation and possible court case impending is more than I can take.

Off the back of this drama, my best friend sat me down to tell me that I am angry and irritable and snappy all of the time and she wanted to make me aware of how I was being and how it was making her feel. I’m glad she was honest with me even though it left me feeling very defeated and cried myself to sleep. But it hurts. I am trying so hard to not let the assault dictate me and change me, to not let it affect my life, my relationships and my own character but obviously it is.

Yes, I am angry. I have zero tolerance left for any situation that upsets me/makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve been abused for the last few years of my life, mostly mentally and emotionally and then physically. I lost all control and now I want to regain that control, and if someone does something to me that even comes close to hurting me, I will not stand for it. But it seems that’s made me into an angry person and I didn’t realise that.

Has anyone else experienced this after being subject to abuse? How did you overcome it? I really need some advice, this has set me back so much 🙁

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi colouringinfairy

You went through a lot and still are going through big challenges on top of trying to recover, with your case and housing situation. It was a valuable talk of your friend to be honest with you, that’s what true friends do so we can reflect on ourselves and a***s if there is any truth to it. But it is a lot to take in with everything so do take it one step at the time.

Yes I developed a lot of anger too. It comes and goes.
The best way I found to dissolve my anger is to channel it into physical exercise and productivity in tackling down my to do list.
I struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression so when I do become angry I don’t actually mind and welcome the energy boost I get from it for my own benefit.
I developed my attitude towards anger from accepting the fact that anger is part of my recovery journey and my rule of thumb is to NEVER direct my anger against myself or other people. Sometimes it doesn’t work and I do get angry against (my abusive ex of course) but arrogant men especially, they can be total strangers, I developed a strong aversion against them. I noticed my attitude in time and I am trying to put on the breaks as these men will always exist. What I CAN do is to still be polite to them, it doesn’t mean I need to appreciate them.

I wish you all the best with your case and your housing situation, if you can, do use the energy from your anger to get things moving for you and remember to keep steady and strong, breathe in deeply and take breaks.
Take care and keep posting

[HopeLifeJoy]

*assess

[Flowerchild]

Hmm, Fairy darling, let’s look at this claim by your friend. Nobody is angry all the time, after all!

I wonder how much anger your friend feels is ‘acceptable’ for someone in your situation? Might it be zero? Do you recognise yourself in her description or were you a bit shocked to hear it?

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with anger – it’s an appropriate response in many situations; without it people would get away with murder, wouldn’t they?

There’s a discussion to be had about how anger is expressed – ideally in a way that changes things! – and who gets to witness it’s expression – ideally the person whose actions caused it, not an innocent bystander.

You have a lot to be angry about: past abuse and present exploitation for a start. Add in a sense of betrayal by the friend who is overcharging you and that’s quite a load!

Are you wary of speaking up boldly and clearly to the right people about the rent situation? It might help resolve it. If your friend is getting to hear all the grumbles and the landlord isn’t, that’s a bit unfair.

But don’t apologise for your anger or try to suppress it; it’s best out, just in the right way to the right audience!

Own your own feelings, darling, there’s nothing wrong with them. Your friend might be really bad at handling other people’s feelings but that’s her problem!

Why not channel your anger to getting the situation remedied or to moving on to a better place to live? You may have more power to change things than you think!

Flower x

[colouringinfairy]

Thank you both, really appreciate your responses.

To be honest I was slightly shocked to hear it. A few months ago I would not have been as I was very angry all of the time, but I didn’t think I was that bad currently. The thing is, my friend is snappy and irritable when she is depressed – and hers is chronic so there isn’t a thing that’s actually happened that sets her off (which is awful but with mine it’s circumstantial – in this case a result of my assault).

I did speak up to our landlords about our living situation and we got torn apart by them – it was a full on verbal assault, so unprofessional and really left me feeling hurt and taken advantage of. We have just had an offer accepted on a flat and our landlords daughter has moved out of our current property so hopefully the living situation will get easier. One of the worst things is my landlords daughter is a key witness in my case and I am worried if it goes to court she will refuse to testify and back up her formal statement 🙁

I know not to take anger out on the wrong people, and I never mean to. I just feel like I am going mad – no one seems to have any empathy for my situation and just expects me to be better than what I can currently offer. Everyone else can react the way they want to hurt and upset but me :/

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi colouringinfairy
I think there is a quite a difference between anger generated from triggers (as I am by random arrogant entitled men) and well placed anger because of an injustice done to you.
Identify which it is to help you decide how to act. As Flowerchild said anger can be expressed at the right time and audience and in the right manner; that would be you showing assertiveness and you do absolutely have a right to make yourself heard firmly when you are upset and hurt. I think you did well with your landlords, make sure they return your deposit before you leave.
In the instance with your friend, she has been honest with you about how you made her feel but you equally do have a right to tell her how she makes you feel, her depression and irritability, it might be important to have a good talk in order to set everything straight and out in the open before you are moving into your new flat together. Which btw is great news and I am very pleased for you.
I hope your other friend won’t pull out and will stay loyal to you. But just in case she does change her mind, pls already check how to deal with it and who could eventually replace her.
Sending you a hug 🌸💞

[fizzylem]

Hi CF, sounds like you could do with smoothing things over with this friend, personally I wouldn’t leave anything to chance, besides that, I reckon it’s always best to try not to burn any bridges in life if it can be helped.

I’d probs leave it a couple of weeks then try to meet with her just to say you are sorry how things turned out, you can see how all three of you were under stress living together, but now your living situation has changed and this pressure has gone, and when you get past the case, you’d like it if you could all be friends again – or something like, you get what I mean, in your own words obs – smooth it over – you could say you appreciate how hard it must have been for her to say what she did and thank her for that.

Then when you get past the court case you can decide whether you’d like to continue or not in this relationship, you may find you really feel you do want to be friends again when a bit of time passes, who knows, this can happen when the heat cools in these type of situations. I’ve lived with friends before and we’ve all fallen out, can think of a few rubbish holidays like this as well tbh, but we are all friends again now, time is good at moving these things on, sometimes it just doesnt work out living together hey – especially when there is added pressure from other stressors.

But for now, I really think it would serve you best to get her back onboard if you feel able and if this is possible – this would be one part of the stress resolved and gone x

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