Are they linked.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I know everyone tells me that analysing myself isn’t helpful but I can’t help but think I’ve allowed myself to be in this situation due to previous experience/or lack of.

I have been in a violent, sexually abusive, manipulative relationship with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). He was my first proper relationship as I was only (detail removed by moderator) when we met.

The only other experiences I’ve had were at (detail removed by moderator) years old when I had what I thought was a “relationship” with a (detail removed by moderator) year old man. He was in a position of trust and I wrongly trusted him. It was only later in life that I’ve realised I was probably groomed and exploited by him. This relationship continued for (detail removed by moderator) and eventually I managed to ignore leave/not respond to his requests. The other relationship was short lived but again thrived on power and authority- he was also many years older than me.

My husband is (detail removed by moderator), so what is it about he that attract these men? What signals am I sending to have this happen three times to me.

I know when I was (detail removed by moderator) maybe I wasn’t completely aware but I’m an adult now and I still allow myself to be treated like this.

[Escapee]

Hi CMD,

These men make a bee line for caring, open women. It’s because we are so open that we don’t take the red flags as what they are……..we don’t believe anyone could be that manipulative and nasty.

Instead of analysing ourselves we need to educate ourselves so we learn to spot those red flags, take them seriously (and run!), build our boundaries and never allow another abuser the satisfaction of hurting us.

For years (I’m talking decades here) my partner told me that I wasn’t normal, that I was not able to have a normal relationship and that I had huge issues. Like a open person I reflected on myself and I have ended up so tied up in his game that I’m having to rethink everything again as I realise it was all deflection.

Yes, I have had stuff in my past; had self interested partners but I realise now that it’s because I excused them. I allowed my boundaries to be super bendy and allowed people to disrespect me.

So my lovely, don’t give yourself a hard time…..they’ve already done that. Now’s your time to love yourself, get to know yourself and learn to never allow someone to disrespect you again xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, you aren’t the one with the problem my darling. You are like honey to the bees. These men are emotional vampires, sucking the life from us, till we are a shadow of our former self. I downloaded a book a while back, called Mind Games, came across it on my library, so started rereading it. Memory is still pants as I don’t remember any of it. Living with the dominator by Pat Evan’s and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft are a few of the books we recommend to each other, there’s more but they’re a start. There’s a thread on here that @braelynn started which is about all the books we’d recommend.
Knowledge is power, the more you learn the better you’ll get at seeing it wasn’t/isn’t you.
IWMB 💞💞

[Cantmakedecisons]

But surely after three (only 3) relationships I’ve had this has happened. Ok the first one was underage but I’m the common denominator in all these situations. I must be saying, doing something wrong!

[Iwantmeback]

On the surface of it yes,you are the common denominator. But do you deliberately hurt these people, say horrible things to these people, say something one minute, then deny you ever said it the next. Abusive people are bullies underneath it all. Have you heard of trauma bonding or the cycle of abuse or the FOG of abuse? These people see a vulnerability in us or what they see as a vulnerability, it may be that we see the good in people, are willing to take people at face value or we may have had an abusive childhood. Generally speaking these men are damaged growing up whether it’s nastily or through overindulgence from their parents. You know the type who do no wrong, or are given money instead of guidelines. It’s all about power and control and they’ll try anything to win at all costs. Keep posting, the more you learn the stronger you’ll get. Definitely reach out to your local women’s aid or try the national helpline, they have a live chat now too.
Keep asking questions, this is a safe place. Have you ever opened up to your own doctor about your concerns? You have done nothing wrong to ‘attract’ these men into your life,they find us sadly.
IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Have a look at the Freedom Programme through women’s aid. It teaches you how to recognise red flags in abusive men early on before you get hooked into a relationship. Looking back it was about recognition and setting boundaries and having the confidence and life experience to walk away from these men. Living With The Dominator book is great for starters. It’s not that we attract these men, it’s that we don’t recognise them till it’s too late. If you think back to the relationships and the red flags that were there but we’re ignored. Huge huge red flag in my case. I was raped only after a few dates with my abuser yet I went on to marry him. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

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