Argument with sister

[Sci-figirl]

I am doing well, despite his constant abuse, threats, begging and apologising….threatening to abandon our son (all just to try and get me to talk). I have remained firm in only talking about our son. Today, he asks to come visit….begs to visit and I refuse. Over and over. He did not come. If he had I would have called the police. I was so proud! Then telling the tale to my sister (so full of pride) and I was explaining that he wants to see me because he knows he can break me down. And she says that I am “unstable!” And I was so shocked, I defended myself and pointed out how I’m not. Then I went and hid from her in my own house, crying. She finds me and it’s “I’m sorry, but….” I just screamed that she is just like him. She is. Constantly telling me what to think, how to feel, what I should be doing….telling me I’m over sensitive whenever I express any emotion! My family! The great support system. They have all blamed me. Each one. I’ve tried to be understanding, they just don’t get it I tell myself. But my neice and my best friend have said no such thing….they don’t get it either! I’m surrounded by them. People who think they know what’s best for me. I rely on them for very little. And I have always been there for them…I have given them so much. And the things that have happened in their lives and I never say anything about it….because it’s not my life! Totally devastated! And what’s worse is that he was right about them. He said they weren’t there for me and controlled me. I’m like some kind of toy for them to fight over. No more. I am so done with being controlled and manipulated! I will do it all myself! 💪🏻

[Alicenotichains]

Ah I can relate to this. When I was first out of my abusive marriage, my sister started off supportive but quickly that flipped into her picking up where he had left off. Screaming down the phone at me, telling me what do do and think, then a close friend started making me feel very small, until I decided enough was enough . Fast forward a few years and my support network is unrecognisable compared to back then. Only people who genuinely seem to want the best for me are left in my life. I realise there was more than one person in my life who was toxic. When I was down they seemed happy and supportive, but when I started to rise back up I came across resentment, jealousy, possessiveness and spite. It was like they were reinforcing his original message- that I was not worth it.
Once my boundaries started going up, I found out who the important people were. Anyone who belittles you needs to be moved back from. I still speak to my sister, but there is distance. If we get too close she starts up again. So i am polite and friendly but any sign of rudeness, I will end the conversation and take a break.
Your sister should have been proud of you today- she is probably jealous as she sees you grow. Well done and don’t let them drag you back down xxxx

[freedomtochoose]

kind of agree with Alice.
I lost two sisters in the process of going to refuge – to escape from my financially and cruel, and emotionally abusive ex.

My so=called sisters supported him and not me, arguing I was an unfit mother (I still think they were jealous one having no children of their own).

The tears I cried over that one would fill oceans.

BUT ….AND

we are okay, we are more than okay, we left them behind. I had to, as you are saying support network built up and so on.

Don’t know what else to say but there is the pain of thinking they loved you. With my sisters, I don’t think they did…

I have one left. thank the goddess, she understands everything.

The rest, bullxxit
better off without them

big hug
x

[Iwon]

Hi hun my sister was awful to me thru the divorce. When I had my ex making us homeless and me bankrupt and I was signed off sick due to stress sister told me I was 100 per cent responsible for my situation and she never would have let a man treat her like this. She is bad at the best of time but I cut her out at the time because normally I make allowances for her horrible behaviour. I just knew I couldn’t be around her. I did the same with someone o considered a lifelong friend. I realized I was perfectly trained to put up with an abuser. I learnt it from growing up with my sister who was always vile to me and enjoyed hurting me. The friend was having a blast at me because she was in a bad mood and she was swearing like a trooper. I said nothing. Got out the car and we haven’t spoken since. Sometimes we outgrow people. I see my sister at family foes. I never think of her. She is actually help us. She loved kicking me when I was down and when I started to get stronger and net my fiancee she was even nastier. I tell her nothing about my life. I keep her at a distance and always will. My best friend said to me never let anyone close who don’t have your back.

To give people there credit I have a brother who has been brilliant but he does not understand domestic abuse and I think even people with good intentions do not make good people to talk to. I use this website and don’t expect people who haven’t experienced it to understand it.

That said some people for there own reasons don’t want us to recover and shine because they are scared we might end up outgrowing them and succeeding at life. Like our abusers. We have your back x

[Sci-figirl]

Thanks for all your messages. So good to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this! I personally have just realised the amount of abuse in my family. My Mum was abusive towards me and my sister and as we got older, crossed into violence. Her abuse was very obvious. But my sister has always been the one who controlled and manipulated me. My ex (who I was with (Detail removed by Moderator)yrs and am on good terms with) was saying how she always got between us, we would argue about her all the time. It’s like I’ve been groomed by my family since I was young to take it. But now it’s someone else who has been controlling me, it’s not okay!?! I’ve always been timid. I hate arguing and any form of aggression….I would always go to any length to avoid it. It felt like my sister was all I had, like we pulled each other through. But I’ve always been afraid of her. Never knew why till now. Looking back on the things she’s done….heartbreaking. Somehow feel like it must be my fault. Like I must just be weak. But I know that can’t be right. I’ve been through a lot in my life and managed to cope and be there for them too. I have 3 wonderful sons, who I have raised with very little support and they flourish and my neice and nephew (who I helped her raise) are really close with me. I don’t try to manipulate or distort…impose my will on others. How is that weakness? I know I’m right, but can’t help questioning myself. All part of it. Just hope my counselling comes through soon 🤞🏻

[Serenity]

Hi Sci Fi girl,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced.

I have two sisters. One of them was very supportive to me through my divorce. The other was what can only be described as emotionally and mentally cruel.

It was a shock, since I didn’t expect it. We went through a lot together when we were young, and I was under the impression that we were close. But when I looked at it, we were close when I did as she said and let her take the lead; and in the years leading up to my divorce, she’s been very unkind on quite a few occasions.

It hurt because to my mind, I’d always tried to be there for her. A year before my own divorce, she’s gone through a marriage crisis, and I was there for her. Yet when things came to a head for me, she was due right dreadful. She actually seemed to enjoy the power of kicking me when I was down.
She even appeared to be getting my kids to go to her.

I was distraught. I couldn’t believe how unkind she was being. Thankfully, a counsellor guided me through it.

Now, I keep her at arm’s length. I am civil enough to be polite at family gatherings, but I don’t confide in her any more. My life is not her project.

My other sister, who was very kind to me through it all, is denounced by this other sister as being dreadful! It seems that some people are blind to their own faults, yet are quick to denounce others.

It’s important that you keep those closest to you who are unjudgemental and supportive, and who guide you in an encouraging way. My counsellor told me that it’s up to us how close we let each individual we know. I’ve tried to keep that in mind x

[Sci-figirl]

Serenity,

Our situation sounds similar. My sister separated from her husband and they had a lot of back and forth. She discovered 3 times that he was seeing another woman. She couldn’t get out of bed, she wouldn’t eat, she was on antidepressants for years. I took care of her and the kids….even though I was a single mother myself. When I started suffering with severe anxiety last year, I went on medication and she said I shouldn’t, I wouldn’t get off them and they wouldn’t help. I took them, had counselling and was off them within  months and I manage my anxiety very well. Just complete hypocrisy! She got back with her husband and I never said a word. I’ve never judged her and always supported her. I thought it worked both ways, but I was kidding myself. She’s always said I was put on the earth for her, I always thought she was joking, but clearly she actually believes that to a point. So sad! These people just are incapable of having a proper relationship with anyone.

[freedomtochoose]

Serenity this post really helped me, I was in a strikingly similar situation with x of my sisters and the one that supported me was likewise vilified.

I shall think on what you are saying about how close we let people. It is not an easy balance and I sometimes feel I lose the balance as I so desperately want to trust people sometimes so this is some work I need to do with myself.
ftc
x

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