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    • #5889
      last one standing
      Participant

      i look back and think was it just him at fault? maybe he did love me? maybe he misses us? i find it hard to sleep, but then i look back at all the nasty names he called me and our children he was never like other men i look at other lasses and see how happy they are and think will i ever have that?

    • #5890
      Herindoors
      Participant

      Hi Polly. Yes I have done this many times, minimised what my ex did. Each incident alone does not sound like much but add them all up together and you see the cumulative effect that they have, and that’s just the emotional abuse. When the violence started, that’s when I began to put it all together in my head. To stop blaming myself (like he did) but I am still learning, through counselling, not to minimise what he did. I do believe my ex loved me but it was a toxic type of love and not one that is healthy. I am sure he does miss you but that does not mean he should or deserves to be in your lives. Its so confusing because I think with all of us there were good times, but they don’t and should not outweigh the abusive times x*x

    • #5895
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      Yes this is the hardest part. And one reason why I didn’t leave. We had very good times. One time I was feeling close to leaving we were on a family night out and some were saying how fantastic he was. I looked at them and had to agree because when it was good like that night he was like everything you would want. I actually managed to break through to him about the name calling in the last couple of years. And he stopped( so he is in control) but now he’s minimising it again and saying it’s so unfair I am accusing him of abuse for calling me pathetic. Every couple call each other names once in a while.
      The trouble is sometimes they don’t see it and by the time you do there’s so many things to address it feels like you are going to destroy them with the accumulated accusations. So when I try to explain one aspect, he focuses on that one thing and minimises it. Does he deserve to be destroyed as he puts it because I didn’t deal with the issues as they arose?

    • #5898
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      yes.

      It wasn’t him it was me.
      I am wrong all the time
      I am enough to drive anyone to their extremes and to punish me
      No wonder he was soooo very stressed to death living with me
      I didn’t cope with ordinary life
      I am mad
      and its all my fault
      I am a horrible person and will never get anything right

      so there’s my list of how it feels, oh and …
      it will never get better – living miles from home and loved ones with no hope of ever returning or moving forward 🙁

      so what you feel seems a bit like this too?

    • #5899
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      Also Polly even though I was married I looked at those couples being together in public places looking so together and felt cheated. I felt so alone even though he hardly let me be alone.

    • #92602
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I think once we are out of that dituation, it’s not that I’m minimising the abuse but I’m not in such a heightened sense of fear,expecting the worse to happen. I think and this is only my own observations that for us to heal we can’t live in that moment any longer. It’s not that I’ve forgotten what he’s said and done, it’s just that it doesn’t consume me in the same way.
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #92606
      KIP.
      Participant

      Healing from Hidden Abuse is a good book where she says it’s important to not hold onto the hurt but to not allow time or distance to distort the truth. You know the truth and you know how damaging that was to you x

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