20th May 2016 at 9:05 pm #17649blueskiesParticipant
Hi, i wrote a similar post in general discussion but then after finding this section, ive realised here might be more appropriate. I am looking for others who understand what it is like to suffer abuse within the asian culture and/or abuse within a mixed race relationship where one of you is white british and the other asian sikh or hindu. Who have had a child in that relationship and are aware of the issues/problems that can/do arise within the abusive relationship and after you have left the relationship.
21st May 2016 at 9:38 pm #17707LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post in this very important topic in the forum. I really understand that it can be very complicated to suffer abuse within a mixed race relationship or from an Asian culture. I know that there are other ladies here on the forum who have been in a similar situation and I really hope that you will get some replies and support here. The helpline is always there whenever you want to talk too.
We are all here for you.
1st November 2016 at 10:30 am #31244runnerParticipant
Im in an asian and british caribbean relationship. My partner initially told me he he was married and would have to divorce as he cannot reconcile also its unfortunate that his wife could not have children. The minute I got pregnant and he moved he wanted to have a nikkah for my society and his society. I really do not know how my society would benefit considering my mom was not keen on it. He said his wife was ok with it. I went ape. He was trying to blend our culture with his but its not normal to me. When I asked to speak with his wife he said he would arrange it but never did. A few months later I asked why he didn’t arrange it and he said he didn’t feel the need. He said because of his culture he cannot divorce her. But my feelings are being ignored. I’ve told him I am unhappy with this. He has in the past said his wife can do the washing and ironing and this and that. I just feel like he ignores me and my feelings. He belittled when I told him I need to do new things or join a club after I had our daughter telling me I now have a baby. This man has not given anything up.
I don’t know if its abuse or just culture.
4th January 2017 at 9:14 pm #35543TigressParticipant
Hi Blueskies. I am indian sikh and my partner was white. I still get abuse and feel he is using the children to be controlling. My family are very unsupportive and my mother has suggested that I should have sacrificed myself. I am praying that he finds a new girlfriend and therefore takes the focus off of me. It doesnt help that he plays on my family’s weakness in suggesting he would still have me back, and to this end visits my family to further undermine me and my support network.
4th January 2017 at 10:18 pm #35547PositiveandlookingaheadParticipant
Hi there ladies. I’m a Sikh who married a Sikh but trust me there are things which they say is culture but is unacceptable! They would not let their sisters or cousins make this sacrifice but they think it’s acceptable to ask us if things which just are not right. Having a wife and a girlfriend is wrong. Unfortunately, there are some men who think that a wife has a certain status and that he can treat a girlfriend in a bad way because she isn’t of the same culture as him but that is wrong! The only person who is benefitting here is him and if someone truly loved you for who you were they would never ever ask you to change or become a different person with different values and beliefs!
I am sorry to be frank but he won’t divorce his wife as he’s getting everything that he wants. Please be careful because he will use his culture and his religion and come across as persuasive because it means so much to him but he’s using it to his advantage and as a tool to getting you to conform to what he wants you to be. Also, he knows from a Sikh and carribean perspective our families are close so it’s very convenient got him to try and shut you down from your support network, your beliefs and also he knows that he can play on the fact that he is expected to be a husband and provide for his wife and their child but what about his child with you? Are you not of the same calibre because you’re not Asian and you’re not his wife? Why is he treating you like you’re inferior. You’re not! You deserve to be treated like a queen.
It must be very difficult in the white and Sikh relationship but one thing our religion tells us is to stand tall! You stand up for what you believe in it’s not easy when your parents are not with you but you have to go with what is tight for you and your children. If you need to speak to the helpline and get legal advice you can they will point you in the right direction. I didn’t have my family with me physically when him and his entire family decided to abuse me but I did not let that stop my fighting spirit and I still had a smile on my face. You know you can count on yourself 100% so look in that mirror and tell yourself you believe in yourself! Xxxx
4th January 2017 at 11:24 pm #35555CuppaParticipant
I’m not from a mixed race relationship..though my heart goes out to you …whatever.
& I appreciate the abusive tactics which are wrapped up within ‘culture’ and ‘tradition’…I’m sorry but in my head…after all this realisation..
It boils down to abuse in a secretive situation under the umbrella of this that the other… It could be depression, honour, you know it’s all BS basically. I understand the whole situ, but in reality, one human being to another…it’s just not one whatever…whoever, wherever..abuse is abuse.
And they are answerable not us.
5th January 2017 at 7:37 pm #35627shine bright 2Participant
Partly agree with u cuppa but i think in some cultures there is a guilty silence aboyt certain things. He would hit me and then his sister wud say “thats terrible..ill talk to him” but then she wud say ” what did u do to make him so angry?” They wud be sympathetic but it still had to be a secret and was almost like…well thats men isnt it.
For myself i caome from a country where a member of the government said that women must be circumcised so that they dont have a better sex drive than men. Even male inadequecy become something that women are punished for. In my culture many men look at pornography of western women..thats ok. At the same time they expect there wives to be modest and shy but somehow like the things they see.
To a degree this is just people being bad..but where i am from seventy per cent of women have experienced domestic violence and actually a large percent of women think its acceptable to be hit if they do something like arguing with their mother in law or husband. Actually til i talked to WA and people on here i partly believed that.
31st March 2017 at 12:14 am #40057WeepingtreeParticipant
I am in a mixed-race marriage & have been for many years, please believe me when I say that I really did try to do the praying & fasting required of me, but I just could not do it for some reason, I really believed that I was the only one in his life till death do us part, but now he has got married to another woman in his country without my consent (detail removed by moderator), ..he is back here now upstairs as usual constantly talking on his phone to her, I have done all the shouting & crying & pleading to him, but he just never listens to me, he has made me feel so worthless as a human being..I have had years of mental torture from him telling me what is going to happen to me after I die with not being a proper Muslim wife.what makes my life worse now is that I have become partly disabled since the sudden death of my mother, the shock I think & its since my illness he started cheating online..yes I am very vulnerable, he thinks he has got me where he wants me, I have only just woke up to the fact that he has been controlling me & using me all these years..I know that I could have him arrested for Bigamy, but I don’t want our teenage daughter to be more upset..I have just got to find the courage & strength to get out of this ASAP.
23rd September 2017 at 8:44 pm #47840ConfusedAgainParticipant
I am in the same situation white and partner is asian, however I didn’t realise how controlling he would become as soon as i gave birth and its like the family are goading him to do so
3rd May 2018 at 12:47 am #57913AlbertaParticipant
I am in a mixed race relationship, I’m white and married to an Arab muslim. What can I say, it’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life, I left everything behind because of him, my country, my career, my hobbies, my friends, everything. He had violent outbursts from the srart, but I was so much in love, I thought, I’ll get over this, after all, most of the time he was nice and caring. But now after (Detail removed by moderator) years in abusive relationship I feel enough is enough, for my children’s sake I want to get out of this relationship. He’s pulling us down emotionally and also financially we have hit the bottom, it can’t get any worse. I want to move back to the yown we lived before ((Detail removed by moderator) ago he moved us to another town about (Detail removed by moderator) miles away from my friends and acquaintances, my youngest was too young at the time for me to go out to work and thus financially support myself), he’s been on and off work since then, mainly on benefits, initially every time I mentioned work he would become violent towards me. Now I’d like to move back to the old town, but he wants to move with us! And I don’t want it! He’s told me I’m not allowed to take the kids and leave him, he said he’d rather kill them than let me take them with me. So I don’t know what to do, if I let him move with us nothing is going to change and we’ll keep on suffering, plus financially cannot afford working full time and having him at home doing nothing, cannot leave kids with him as I am afraid he could hurt them (in a sense of sharing childcare responsibilities). I know he won’t let me go easily as he’s literally depending on me, he’s English is very poor even after having lived (Detail removed by moderator) years in this country, he can’t even submit a job application or check his bank account status…
Sorry for the long post, but it’s been sitting inside me for years
4th May 2018 at 10:53 am #57994LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. From what you have described, it sounds like he has isolated you by moving you away from your support network. It sounds like he wants complete control of you and the children. Due to his threats towards the children, a women’s refuge may be an option for you.
If you are able to please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. The calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk this through with you. If you can’t get through straight away, you can leave a voicemail via option 2 to request a call back.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
Take care and keep posting
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