Asking him to leave

[Plant-mama]

Ha anyone for any experience with asking their husband to leave? I said I wanted to separate last year and we are still battling it out. I am on local housing list, have been looking at private rentals but am not employed currently (signed off by dr) and it’s proving to be really difficult and I’m losing hope and could feel myself slipping back into accepting this as life and settling to stay with someone who can and has be emotionally, verbally, financially and physically abusive. After seeing more advice from local support services went to see a solicitor who told me they could write him a letter giving him (time frame) to find elsewhere to live. I am so anxious about this next step. We have 2 teens at home and feel just awful that I’m the one instigating his leaving. I’ve asked him to leave and he says he can’t afford it and to pay for things here too or to furnish another place from scratch. He has no idea he’s going to be getting this letter. I feel like I’m left with no choice. I don’t want to leave the house I want to stay with the children and support them. He has a very well paid job so has the means but just says he can’t afford it. Any advice or support would be helpful.

[Lisa]

Hello Plant-mama,

Thank you for your post and for sharing this, it sounds like an exhausting and difficult situation.

The Rights of Women have a really useful document outlining your housing rights in cases of domestic abuse: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf

This document details the duty of care that housing have towards you as well as your rights around staying in the home.

If things escalate and you need to leave in an emergency, there is always the option of refuge accommodation. For more information on refuge, you could contact the Live Chat or your local domestic abuse service to discuss this further and with support to move. You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/

You may be eligible for an injunction to have him removed from the property. DV Assist can advise you around occupation orders if this is a route you’d like to consider: https://www.dvassist.org.uk/how-we-can-help-you

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Yes, I’m in the same boat in some ways. After years of abuse and promising to change I’ve finally make the decision to split. I didn’t ever think I would then one day…. We are in a different position as we could both afford to rent elsewhere. He is refusing to leave as I am of course going to move another man into his house 🤷‍♂️. I’ve spoken to a solicitor who has told me not to set foot out of the house and that she will write a letter telling him he has 21 days to leave but save as you I’m not sure if that will just add fuel to the fire. I’ve done counselling for a few years which has really helped me to understand my feelings and I know this is fear of rocking the boat and guilt because he Kris saying I’ve instigated it, I’m doing this to our son etc. Friends tell me just to do it but they don’t understand….

[Plant-mama]

Hi. I’ve been told mine is more coercive and covert. He is a nice guy when all is well and then when something about control or finances comes up I get guilt or fear or obligation thrown at me. We have 4 daughters and I’ve spent (time frame removed by moderator) as a mum doing my best and he tells me I have to take financial responsibility for them and contribute if I want a social life or life luxuries etc. I’ve had an (detail removed by moderator) diagnosis recently and haven’t been able to work for various reasons some of which Ive nor realised and been told by others is due to the chilling away at my self esteem and heightened anxiety for (time frame removed by moderator) and now don’t feel myself. This and some other things in life has resulted in being told I need some trauma therapy. He just doesn’t see it or get it and it’s all my fault because of how my brain works!!
I’ve finally got a solicitor involved (detail removed by moderator) I was so anxious about this but he has not said one thing to me, keeping me guessing but I’ve discovered he has told our most vulnerable daughter that he’s had this letter and I’ve no idea what she must be thinking and how she’s coping. He doesnt realise how abusive and damaging his actions are just to try and protect himself. It’s awful. Thankfully she’s spoken to a friend so she’s not dealing with it alone and her mum has told me about it. Why and how do they think their behaviour is ok in any way at all

[Marmalade]

Hi Plant Mama this sounds like a very difficult situation. I’m sure your solicitor has told you this, but I believe both of you have the right to live in the matrimonial home as you are married. Although you or your solicitor can ask him to leave, he can refuse and stay.
If he refuses to leave then ask your solicitor to press on with a divorce as the finances and house will be sorted out during the divorce. Also look at all other options including options if you move out and what housing could be available for you. Lisa has given you a list of really useful resources.

Good luck

 

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