11th August 2017 at 1:32 pm #46162AntimothParticipant
Our relationship has been pretty sour for the past few years.
I’m autistic with anxiety and he is neurological with anger issues and depression. He also drinks often. He doesn’t care what others think and can be lazy, but he would rather help other people other than himself and would go out of his way to do so. I can be lazy and selfish. Thinking if myself and my feelings alot. I care for others and want the best for them. I can get quite anxious over last min changes or new scenarios. I’m bad at taking action for things.
He has been emotionally abusive and barely is physical. He tried to keep his hands to himself and says I don’t have self control cause I twitch and he does cause he has his hands behind his back.
I get scared when he’s angry and I am unable go communicate. If I do, I ramble and act all “self pity” and it doesn’t help matters. If I say nothing, it also doesn’t help.
The worst he’s done is beat me when drunk and he didn’t believe me when I told him. He punched my head after I got the police involved. The only evidence was blood cause he has a b****y nose before it happened. He has threatened to kill me once, threaten to ruin my family’s life, say he’s better than me, says I’m not pretty, disgusting, a tramp, s**m, and that I’m dead to him.
I only got properly diagnosed a few years ago and am only now learning self discovery. I am sheltered and didn’t get taught useful common sense in life of I got away with not doing housework. My parents treated me like an outcast and liked to use me for money. I also was overdependant with one of my sisters and now I feel that I’m the same with my partner. This is possibly why I get called lazy.
But I struggle with certain tasks or instructions (this can be due to autism but other times I just take for granted) and he gets easily annoyed now. His patience has been eroding for years and it’s bow run out.
Ive only recently realised that my issues are part of the problem and that it’s not all my fault. And the woe is me attitude can be seen as manipulative. I am afraid. I don’t know how to stand up to him or improve. It’s like my body I’d on auto pilot and I’m the observer. Even if I do understand what I’ve done, it doesn’t sink in and I do it again. I’ve improved In routines but not to prevent him from getting angry.
I know now it’s not all my fault and his more extreme behaviour isn’t right. He likes to use his experience and intelligence and make me feel small, worthless, nothing.
I’m sorry for the long and rambling post but I feel like I need a support group for advice. I have ran out of ideas.
He’s feels like he’s more of a carer and is sick of me not “using my brain” or thinking or listening. He wants me to do things independently instead of relying on other people. This is true.
He has his right to be frustrated but the abusive behaviour is slowly making me feel like I’m losing the will to live. I’m scared to tell my friends or family and I used to have a psychologist but my partner didn’t like that. It tooi me months to tell her the abuse I was in. He won’t attend couples counselling. He knows enough about psychology that he sees no point.
11th August 2017 at 11:06 pm #46171KIP.Participant
Hey there. How sad your story is. Please ring the helpline number on here or reach out to your local women’s aid. Maybe your GP. Does he treat others as badly as he treats you? You see my ex could hold his temper around everyone but me. So he knew exactly what he was doing. Always careful that there were no witnesses. That’s domestic abuse. He is the problem, not you x
1st July 2019 at 8:56 am #82027CosmosIdealologyParticipant
please please get out of this relationhip! its toxic, its abuse and none of it is your fault. he is at fault, i know its scary and he has made you feel like you would not cope without him but trust me leaving him is the best thing you can do, ring the helpline, got to the police, go to your GP, or tell a freind or family member the sooner you get out of this relationship he better trust me
12th August 2017 at 11:14 am #46178DaisyParticipant
Anti moth, welcome from me too, glad you found us and hope you find that now here, voicing your concerns and queries, your replies and just reading other posts and seeing things there that relate to you will help you in realising that he is responsible for his actions and that drink or health issues are not to be allowed to hide behind- full stop.as KIP said these abusers often brainwash us into thinking there is an excuse and it’s a Relevation when we see a situation in their lives I,e work, with their family or friends etc that contradicts this so blows that as the truth.Also with health issues, there are many people with similar who are not abusers, even some of us on here have health diagnoses but we wouldn’t abuse others. I think when you start to be aware , as you now are, to reach out and have found us you will start to see his abuse more for what it is – abuse and not to be tolerated. Please stay safe, they often notice the change in us when we seeing them for what they are and things get worse to keep us in check , so say. I don’t know your situation but if he does please don’t hesitate to call the police x x x
11th September 2017 at 6:06 pm #47253annaParticipant
I have quite severe learning difficulty but hidden so you would not notice unless you ask me to do practical tasks and they can be very simple indeed but i struggle to learn and I dont learn instinctively. So an example would be my husband has to show me how to use garden tools even simple ones like secateurs basically everything has to be shown me once or i dont get how to use it! Also ive been pretty much sacked from every job i did because i cannot follow sequential instructions and get in trouble ive also been called lazy by my abusive mum and even though not diagnosed with autism i have different diagnosis i am really sure i am on autistic spectrum i speak very monologue and struggle to understand the give and take of a conversation its worse when im anxious.
Where for some people its hard for them to understand our difficulties and they irritated Thats ok not to understand ( it is absolutly not an exscuse to be abusive) its one thing for someone to think this relationship is not for me and even though that would be sad that is the right thing to do if you dont think the relationship is working. ( and that goes for any type of relationship) but quite another for someone to think they can hurt us because they have an excuse that we are annonying them or bizarley that our behaviour is being done on purpose!
It is not your fault and stress will make ‘tics’ or any ‘stimming’ behaviours more pronounced. Have you looked up any autism websites? im sure you have as you have been formally diagnosed.
No this is not your autism but your partner being abusive and using your autism as a feeble so called justification for his actions. Dont believe a word and well done for posting
22nd April 2020 at 11:40 pm #101544ManifestParticipant
Hi there antimoth – your story touched a nerve I guess it was the 2nd paragraph in particular… “I’m autistic with anxiety and he is neurological with anger issues and depression. He also drinks often. He doesn’t care what others think…” – sounds very similar to my own tale of horror, despite my own relationship being physically abusive as well as emotional etc – weirdly for me the emotional stuff messed me up much much more than the physical stuff… I am lucky in a way that I currently have a NHS psychologist he’s of the opinion that my autism is able to rationalise the physical violence in a way that the autism struggles to rationalise with emotional abuse and as such is much more difficult to treat and deal with. So from one non-typical to another… I think a neuro-typical abuser will seriously harm you… your autism can have benefits that not many neuro-typicals will ever be able to understand… Don’t let him mess with you and your beautiful brain… can you get back in contact with your psychologist or you may be able to get some assistance via the national autistic society
22nd April 2020 at 11:42 pm #101545ManifestParticipant
OMG – apologies ended that last message without saying – I wish you all the best. Thinking of you!
23rd April 2020 at 12:41 am #101550IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there Antimoth. It’s very typical of an abusive person to blame others for their behaviour. Your brain is wired totally different to his, I bet you’re amazing at things he has no concept of. My oh refused to go to couples counselling too but after I left him went of his own accord which didn’t last long as he said it wasn’t working, read as meaning it didn’t work cos I didn’t go back when he went for’help’. Many people have health issues but don’t abuse their partners, he’s a bully plain and simple and there’s nothing you can say or do that will stop him from treating you this way. He can only change if he wants to and that takes time and a lot of hard work on their part which he just won’t do. Look up the cycle of abuse, and the FOG of abuse stands for fear,obligation and guilt. Look into trauma bonding as well. It’s a fascinating subject ,the mind, I’m not sure if human beings will ever understand it’s full workings.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. Taking this first step in posting was very brave, but you’ve taken your first step into getting away from his abuse. How long that takes is your decision. Have you contacted women’s aid yet? Try your local one if you can’t get through on the national helpline. There’s Been over 400 cases reported to the police in the west Midlands alone in the past two weeks because of the lockdown measures due to this virus. The news today showed police breaking into a house of an abuser, trying to say someone in the house had coronavirus and they couldn’t come in. The officers put their gloves and masks on and broke in, got the guy hiding in the toilet. This is huge, this is being shown in people’s living rooms who aren’t being abused, this will hopefully educate the public more and more. Sorry I went off on a different tangent.
Anyway I just wanted to say welcome and to keep posting.
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