Avoiding grief?

[orchid7]

Does anyone feel like they avoided grief at some point? Since leaving it has been extremely hard and challenging but I’m worried I am blocking the most painful things out because I am worried that if I feel them it will be too painful and I will go back to him. I.e. I won’t look at photos, I won’t listen to songs, I stop certain thoughts before they get really painful. I’m worried this is just pro-longing the healing process for me. The only way to describe it is I feel pain about the situation, but I don’t fully let myself go to the pits of it and really really grieve the loss (even though of course there was bad too). Should I let myself feel the pain of missing him etc more fully and grieving the relationship? xx It’s been ages and I still think about him everyday, its surface thoughts but they are still there 24/7, I just avoid going deep into them x I’m not sure if it is healthy for me to keep avoiding, or whether it is what I should be doing x

[Lisa]

Dear Orchid7,

Thank you for your post, it sounds like you are coping with experiencing trauma in the only way that you can right now. I suggest to trust your instinct, it sounds like you are protecting yourself and this is what your body and mind can cope with at present. At some point in the future you might find that you feel ready to open up more, which is when the correct trauma-informed counselling with a therapist who understands the complexities of domestic abuse, could be helpful. You can speak to your local domestic abuse service about accessing it.

Like all grief, it is an individual journey and you go at the pace that feels ok with you. Sounds like you’re doing really well to me,

Lisa

[orchid7]

Dear Lisa, thank you very much for your reply and advice x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi orchid7

take your time. There’s no rush, and you have a sense of this being a deeper and more painful experience than you are letting out right now, and thats fine and good for you… you will let out what you can manage as time goes on.

Often the grief and loss is too overwhelming to do in one go, and you have trauma to recover from, take it slowly, take good care of yourself, and be patient and kind to yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[orchid7]

Hi Twisted Sister, thank you for your reply. Yes, I hope it comes out slowly, because I actually think I might break if I experience it all in one go! That makes more sense to know my mind might do it slowly to be able to cope with it x x

[Cantmakedecisons]

Wow I just read your post and can relate totally!

I was too afraid to cry because it felt like if I did I wouldn’t stop and lose I would lose complete control. I think it’s a defence mechanism our bodies have to both save our energy for just surviving right now and save us from overwhelming grief.

As the others have said, take your time!

I eventually had some counselling which did help release the emotion slowly in a controlled way. She taught me coping mechanisms and breathing techniques to use when I started to become overwhelmed. In time maybe this is something that can help you?

[orchid7]

Oh I’m so pleased to hear I’m not the only one. Thought I was doing something terribly wrong and it was all going to hit me one day at once! I have a counselor at the moment but I’ve been trying to stop talking about my ex because it’s been quite a while since I left. But I’m going to bring this up in my next session for sure. Thank you xx

[Author]

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