3rd January 2021 at 5:50 am #118961
I don’t tend to sleep well anymore. I usually wake up around 5am and then not get back to sleep for a couple of hours but then it is morning time anyway. Today I had a rush of anxiety when I woke up. I checked my phone and he has sent me a really long message. It’s like I’m not as angry today and he may have said the right things. I want to be strong SO BADLY but I really miss him.
He’s wrote a long message about how he (detail removed by Moderator)
It’s so hard because there was so much of our relationship that was everything I wanted. Day to day I felt really loved by him and that’s why I originally first came here because I wondered if I really was emotional abuse because it only ever felt like that after an argument.
This is part of the manipulation I know that but it’s so hard when dealing with depression and anxiety already. I should block him but I still haven’t.. I am not sure if I am scared incase it would make him try even harder by realising there is no contact or whether I am scared to not hear from him either.
I miss him and can tell today will he tough x x
3rd January 2021 at 6:25 am #118962
Hey, I remember the 5oclock frights. It’s your body and mind processing the trauma and it’s all because of him, he’s doing what he did in your relationship. Causing trauma and hurt then healing it with his manipulation and lies. And all we think about is how he’s made it better, not how his behaviour is toxic an abusive. And round and round we go. Ignore all his words and think about the abuse he perpetrated. Even now his messages are controlling and manipulation. Veiled threats about how his life has no meaning. My ex was messaging me this while out seeing another woman. Abusers are liars. Abusers are people pleasers of the worst kind. They give you what they think you want in a relationship which allows them to abuse you. Always hooking you back in with the promise of that lovely man you think still exists. If only you tried harder. That lovely man never existed. It’s simply a mask these men wear to hook us back in. Be kind to yourself today and practice blocking his Humber for five minutes at a time. You deserve better and contact is toxic and keeps you hooked into his games. He’s the reason you’re depressed and anxious and he’s the person who will continue to destroy you. Don’t be fooled by his lies. If he was a decent kind person you wouldn’t be where you are now, he chooses abuse x
3rd January 2021 at 9:45 am #118971
Hi KIP x
Thank you so much for responding. That’s a good idea about practicing the blocking. I am definitely going to do that.. once I did it before and he emailed me or started calling off of somebody’s phone but I don’t think he will do that this time (well i hope not).
Isn’t it crazy that the things they say are the things we miss too yet there words are just manipulation and lies. You are right about the control too.. he always says how hurt he is and how his life has no meaning without me. It makes me feel sorry for him and like I have to guide him on how to deal with this even when I am trying to deal with this. It’s so strange, I have never experienced this before.. my last relationship he was pretty much emotionally unavailable and I used to hate that at the time but at least when it ended that was it and it really did end
3rd January 2021 at 6:38 am #118963NutkinParticipant
Just wanted to reply and say your not alone. I have woken to messages in the night too. It’s hard so hard when their being nice to stay strong.
You can do this and long term it will be better! As much as it’s painful just remind yourself of all the terrible times. You have not just dreamed up the past, those experiences have put you where you are today.
You deserve better and that is no longer being under his thumb.
Please take care
3rd January 2021 at 9:46 am #118973
Thank you so much for replying x
It’s like my body knew and that’s why I woke up with a rush of anxiety and heart racing before I even picked up my phone. So crazy.
But you’re right, I didn’t just imagine feeling the way I did and things that happened more than once. Going to continue to try to get through another day stronger. Thank you x
3rd January 2021 at 7:07 am #118966EmpoweredhealingParticipant
I remember reading a study where the researchers asked abuse survivors what made them go back to their abusive partners. And they charted out that there are 3 distinct phases. The first phase is after an episode of abuse. The woman is in shock, pain and anger. Her resolve is strong and she separates from the abuser. The second phase is when the abuser starts telling her his sob story. This is when he profess his undying love, minimize the abuse and blame his behavior on depression/anxiety/stress/bad childhood etc…This is the phase when the woman starts feeling sorry for him. This is when he reminds her of the good times in the relationship and how it could be that way again. She’s in so much pain from the separation and it feels so good to hear that. The last phase is she goes back to him and the cycle starts again.
In order to leave abuse for good, the survivor has to get through the 2nd phase. It’s very very hard to do. Some survivor gets through it by blocking the abuser so she’s not exposed to his self pity/lies. As you have mentioned, what he’s doing is part of the cycle of abuse. Please stay strong and continue to reach out for support.
3rd January 2021 at 9:48 am #118975
Wow thank you so much for this. This is exactly what it feels like! This is the furthest I’ve got in the 2nd phase before but it starts feeling less angry and I miss him then I’ve gone back but this time I don’t even think I could be happy with myself if I went back anyway. I would be so disappointed in myself and that’s why I am trying to remain strong. I think I really need to force blocking him now. Thank you for this x
4th January 2021 at 2:49 am #119048EmpoweredhealingParticipant
So glad this helped!
The 2nd phase was the worst for me too. I spent weeks crying and there were days I was convinced I made the wrong decision by leaving him. But something I learned was not to believe my thoughts or perceptions when my emotions are turbulent. Because when we are distraught, our thoughts are distorted and we revert back to the familiar. Wait until you are feeling calm and strong, that’s when you are most likely to see things clearly.
Hang in there! You are going through the toughest part but your future self will be so thankful that did! You’ve done some very difficult things to get this far.
3rd January 2021 at 8:10 am #118967
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve always been a firm believer in zero contact for this reason. My ex had bail conditions which saved me otherwise I’d have fallen for his nonsense. Once I understood what his game was it became easier but there’s a trauma fog to deal with too. That takes time to dissolve. So zero contact buys us that time x
3rd January 2021 at 9:49 am #118976
I haven’t replied to the long message still. If I was going to block him, do you think it’s best to reply to the message first? Not sure what may aggravate him more as don’t want any drama
3rd January 2021 at 9:52 am #118977
I used to do a number of things when I felt wobbly and like I wanted to respond or make contact. I used to write the text responses but not send them. I’d get it all out, everything I wanted to say, which was always essays worth of feelings and thoughts then put my phone in a drawer in another room and leave it there. I’d go back at a later point, read what I wrote or not read it at all and delete the texts. This was before I finally had the resolve to block his number. Breaking addiction is not easy and for the majority of us we all go through this similar process which you are going through now. Another thing I used to do when the urge was strong is sit on my hands and count up to twenty or whatever number until I felt the urge had passed.
When you think about it, it’s not solely that you want to contact him, it’s more that you need and want an outlet for all your feelings and thoughts because there is pain there and expressing that pain is the important part, not the contact part. The mind tricks us into thinking that we need another fix and the pain and discomfort will go away. It won’t, the pain and discomfort will perpetuate and worsen if the cycle is not broken.
Have a look at heroin addicts on the net. You’ll see a photo of them before they became addicted, they look like normal healthy people. Then you’ll see the next photo of them at the beginning of their addiction looking unkempt, then as their addiction progresses and the drug becomes all the addict can think about and wants, the photos of that once healthy normal human being become unrecognisable. Try to think about yourself as an addict who is reversing the damage of the drug, the drug is abuse and you are making your way back to being that healthy human being you once were before you became addicted. Like drug addicts, we can’t get better and clean by entertaining our addiction, we have to go cold turkey/no contact in just the same ways they do.
You can do this x
3rd January 2021 at 11:52 am #118985HettyParticipant
xxx22, I’m exactly where you are right now. Ive left and had weeks and weeks and weeks of begging and pleading, saying all the things that would normally hook me back in. I mostly dont respond but haven’t blocked him yet – I’m worried about repercussions with the house if I do that (probably a made up excuse in my head really). To top it off I had a huge row with my mum who I’ve never been close to. I never felt so alone over Christmas and was off work too, so time on my hands to overthink. Every time I felt the urge to go back I watched or read something about domestic abuse and the tactics these men use to manipulate us. It kept me grounded in the reality. I’ve literally felt like I was prising a demon from my back! I’ve also been going out for walks and upcycling furniture. Literally anything to keep my mind occupied.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and take this away for us all. I’ve had the 5am frights, like Kip put it, and have been up ironing and cleaning at all hours.
It does feel like drug withdrawal. We are cleansing our souls I guess, but it’s going to hurt for a while. You’re not alone xx
3rd January 2021 at 12:32 pm #118988gettingtiredParticipant
🙁 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine it’s so hard but you do sound strong and wise to his mind games.
I haven’t left but I find listening to Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube as someone recommended to me on here very useful to help me gather a bit of strength.
The advice everyone has given sounds great. It’s a terrifying thought to actually block them, especially when we have always been so available and there to talk things through with them and reason etc. I hope soon you can build yourself up to blocking him completely x
3rd January 2021 at 1:50 pm #118995
Thank you all so much for your responses, advice and sharing experiences.
It’s so hard, I still haven’t responded but I just want to and tell him how much I miss all the things he’s spoken about too.
Sometimes I think the easiest option really is to just go back because then all of the hurt disappears and I won’t have to miss him but I know it’ll feel even worse next time.
I’m just not sure whether to ignore it but knowing he will most likely message again or whether I should explain why I don’t want to hear any of that from him and how I should block him
3rd January 2021 at 2:10 pm #118998
Please don’t engage with him. Not only will he minimise and even turn it all round on you. If you need to report him to the police for harrassment he will say it was just an argument. You have the upper hand just now even though it might not feel like it. Once you communicate again you hand the power back to him. The power to hurt you again. He knows what he’s done. He’s. It interested in accepting responsibility. Only messing with your head again to hook you back in. Abusers only want to come near us to slap us again. Please remember this. Either physically or mentally x every time you thinks of contact, think of this x
3rd January 2021 at 2:11 pm #118999
If you respond to him he will respond back and then you will reply and then before you know it, you’re back together and it’s all lovey dovey for a few days/weeks and then bang the nastiness and misery starts again because this is the cycle of abuse.
If you don’t respond and just get through today without making any contact, you’ll have achieved another milestone in your recovery. You’ll be another step closer to being free, to being better, to being happy.
This is why we strongly advocate the blocking of contact because when we still leave the door ajar for them to get in touch they will 9 times out of 10 pull at our heart strings and pull us back in to the relationship which doesn’t work for us. It works for them but it harms us. This is abuse. It’s not a normal relationship with ups and downs, it’s toxic to our inner selves.
I can’t and don’t want to tell you what to do xxx22. I can only advise you not to make contact.
Put on some YouTube videos which talk about abuse… Melanie Tonia Evans, Richard Grannon and Natalie Lue and all the others. Go for a walk. Do the washing up. Sit on your hands. Order a take-away. Run a bath. Just keep filling up the rest of today with other things until it’s bedtime and you can go to sleep and tomorrow is another day 😀 x
3rd January 2021 at 3:20 pm #119002
I did it. I blocked him. I did send a message before so that he didn’t go straight to anger and also because I haven’t said officially no contact as such so wanted to make it clear.
Today has just been so hard and it could’ve all been so different if I didn’t hear from him when I woke up at 5am. So thank you to you all for supporting and encouraging me.
Now I can’t stop crying 🙁
3rd January 2021 at 3:30 pm #119003
Well done. It’s okay to cry. We still have to grieve for the relationship and for our hopes and dreams. It’s healthy to cry. Get some pillow and hug them too. Recovery is a real rollercoaster. He’s been warned now so please use the police if he continues to harass you. I’d also change my number too once you’ve got used to blocking him. It does get easier but it’s like breaking a drug habit, google trauma bonding x
3rd January 2021 at 3:47 pm #119005
Very well done x
Just let the tears come, it’s pain coming out, so let the pain come to the surface and hug a pillow or a teddy or whatever gives you comfort x*x
3rd January 2021 at 4:31 pm #119009
I’m so glad I contacted Womens aid and found you guys through this lovely support community.
Thank you so much for today.. think I will try to have a sleep then a bath x x
3rd January 2021 at 4:36 pm #119010gettingtiredParticipant
Listening to some sounds on youtube or spotify like crashing waves, nature or rain can be soothing before you go to sleep. A bath and focusing on your breathing too. I remember meditation when I was a child we used to try and blank out any thoughts and just picture a blank piece of paper in our minds. It’s actually quite hard but I do it sometimes in the bath to try and relax x
3rd January 2021 at 7:50 pm #119032
Remember xxx22, this is not love. It feels like love, it smells like love, it walks like love, it talks like love… but it’s not real love. Love does not hurt us. It doesn’t push and pull us until we don’t know what is up from down or left from right. It is addiction to being wanted and wanting. Once you fully recover from him, his abuse and the trauma, you have the opportunity to find out what real love is. What it really feels like to be in a relationship with someone who has your best interests at heart, if you want that. You may want to just be with you and get to know yourself again and love yourself just for being you. Whatever you decide to do when the time is right, is up to you.
You’ve done really well today, so be pleased with yourself. It’s not over yet but your on your way. There will be up days and down days and everything in-between so keep posting and keep talking. Well done x
3rd January 2021 at 8:25 pm #119034EggshellsParticipant
Well done for blocking him xxx22. One step at a time you are starting to claim the life you should be leading. Sending hugs. xx
4th January 2021 at 12:04 am #119047
Thank you so so much for today, don’t know what I would’ve done without you all. I really appreciate it
x x x
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