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I last posted here a few years ago – since then things seem to have been going ok – at least I thought so. But last night he was shouting at the children again. Daughter was upset, she’s nervous about moving up next year in school and not being with her friends, and she was finding it difficult to get to sleep. He just shouted at her, and when she cried and asked for me he just shouted more, said she couldn’t go to her afterschool activities. She was upset and said, I don’t like it when daddy shouts in my face – understandable. We argued, he said that the children don’t listen to him and he’s fed up of it, he says I make him feel guilty when he spends any time away (he had a day away on his own yesterday). He said sorry, he’s worried about his job, about family members being ill, and being in pain himself. He has a chronic illness and takes (detail removed by moderator) as part of treatment, it makes his temper very short. He seemed to have calmed down this morning but I had to pop back as I forgot something and he’s got that seething rage again, slamming stuff and stomping about – this time because the house is too messy, he says he’s going to throw all the toys away. I’m scared to leave him on his own with the children.
Sorry I’m rambling – I’m probably just being pathetic -
You’re not pathetic, Oaktree: not a bit.
You’ve found yourself somehow living under a dank bridge with a grumpy troll though! You only have one life; your children only have one childhood. He clearly has health issues that make him irritable: so do many folk. He chooses to take it out on you and his children, making everyone miserable: he doesn’t have to. He can control his behaviour but chooses not to.
Time for some lasting change?
Why not sit down with a notebook and joy down your ideas of how things could get a bit more sunny and cheerful in your home? Would it be safe to share these with him?
Nothing will change unless you give things a shake-up. Your children depend on you to improve their lives.
Flower x
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no your not manipulative he is – the thing with abusive men is that when he names you as something that is actually his confession – if you turn it around he knows deep down that he is manipulating you through the kids. its classic projection. your daughter needed you and he put a spoke in the works in you being able to comfort her – he made you feel guilty for not being able to do that the way you wanted to. thats because he wouldnt let you by shouting he created a barrier. i have a chronic illness and im in pain every day but im not grumpy and i dont take it out on the people i love and thats my choice – i get on with it xx have you looked up the meaning of entitled it sounds like your husband has an entitled attitude. i think some times reasoning with men like this is like reasoning with an emotionally immature child. hope im picking up on this correctly but i can say i couldnt leave my kid with my ex because he would neglect all her needs. he wouldnt feed her! i would come home to find her hungry – i ended up making up packed lunches and teas for her xx rediculous. i think he is using the kids to guilt trip you and that is manipulative on his part. the kids are like our achiles heel because these men know they are our world xxxx love diymum
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What’s manipulative – and controlling – is denying you the right to have feelings and express them! You’re hurt and he’s playing the victim, making out your years are fake, put on to influence him.
Abusers often believe they are the only ones entitled to feelings and self-expression. Does he scoff or get angry when the children show their feelings too?
Flower x
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