Back in Hell

[Ayanna]

I am back in hell.
I tried so hard to build a new life.

[SaharaD]

It’s only hell when you go back. 🙂 And even then you can still leave again. I’m homeless again even though I tried to rebuild. so you are not alone.

[Ayanna]

I would never go back. I try my hardest to keep him out of my life. My hell is the institutionalized abuse that I suffer since I fled. Have you ever experienced instituionalized abuse? Racism, discrimination, harrassment through courts, lawyers, organisations… This is what I suffer from. And I have no help. It is legal. They can legally torture me and say these are just normal procedures. But it is torture. I cannot cope with it any more. I cannot, I cannot. They must leave me alone. I am entitled to a peaceful life. I do not do anything wrong.
Then this letter tonight. It ruined me.
My thin wall of stability has been smashed tonight. It was so hard to build it.
I had things to do and I am unable to think. This letter caused a disaster.

[Suntree]

Been is a similar place and it is hell.
All he had to do was step back say some words and unleash the system against me. Didn’t matter that the words were lies, the system under the pretense of fairness or whatever became his “bullies”.
Read the Freedom Program if you can there are some bits in there about the tricks. I was lucky I had some support from others who had been though a similar thing to me but further down the line.
To be honest I thought that some of it was “far Fetched” but kept an open mind anyway. Low and behold he went on to follow the same pattern and do the same things. And still the system didn’t see it.
But I did and I kept every correspondence, diaries, every time I was ignored and so on. I learnt, I learn to change the way I responded to the authorities turning the spotlight back to him.
So when they accused me, or my behavour of x because what his side said sounded really reasonable, I could fill in the blanks. I could show the story he was telling, was not as it seemed.
I kept my stuff to the facts.
It has taken a long time to get where I am. And we are still not done, as WA warned me, this will go on for a long time because of my circumstances.
It was not something I wanted to hear.
I now have a back ground behind me of showing and proving I don’t make things up.
Its okay to feel floored. I still do.
Take deep breaths and time to get yourself together and big hugs

[Ayanna]

Hi Suntree,
It seems the system is fully backing the abusers. Even the laws are made for them to get away with crime. The entire world is built on abuse because it is male dominated. I have to wait now what happens. I sent that court a very stiff email. My worst fear is that they will leak my address out.
I have done the Freedom Programme. It only confirms that I suffer from instituionalized abuse. x*x

[Suntree]

Here is hoping they see sense.
I had to give my address out because I have children with him.
He didn’t think he had to give his out and only did in the 11th hour. Then he would move shortly afterwards to address unknown.
I however can’t move.
Now I find myself in the situation he knows exactly where I am and I don’t have a clue where he is.

[Daisy]

Asana,

I had my address not put on any court papers, for my safety, just in a separate envelope for the judges/ court to refer to to meet requirements,
Perhaps this could be something to enquire about or request.
It seems so aweful how mistakes happen with no regard to the consequences to us, and the effect on us when we are already walking a tightrope as it is, each day.
Sending you a ((((hug))))
X x x

[Ayanna]

Suntree, I think you should start to hide your address as well, even if you do not move away. If he wants to be an a…. also be terrible and worse.

[Daisy]

Sorry, ayanna,
Daisy needs to spell check before she posts, because my predictive texts has a mind of it’s own😳

[Ayanna]

Hahaha! Daisy, I had a bitter fight with the court to keep my address off all letters and after an episode of yelling the place down they did that until the trials were finished. Suddenly my address is dealt with very openly. (Removed by moderator).

[Serenity]

I experienced this- for example, with Cafcass.

I practice visualising everyday that I have a bubble around me that acts protectively. Whatever people do, can’t reach me completely.

I even do this when my kids are being horrid to me ( when they are taking their upset about their horrid dad out on me ).

I know it sounds mad, but it really works for me.

Institutions are blighted by ignorance, prejudice and those who just want to cut corners and think they can bully people into getting the result they want. X

[Ayanna]

This is a good thing to do, Serenity. I do not know why I cannot do anything for myself to keep the stress at bay. All these methods never work. I get into a full blown PTSD rage instead and it takes days for me to calm down again.

[Winterblues2]

Ayanna thank you for your honest posts. Have you had any help for your ptsd?

It’s entirely understandable that your are struggling at the moment from the way you have described courts etc.

It is important to help yourself as much as possible though, you can’t pour from a cup that’s empty. X

[Ayanna]

No, I have no help. I asked the GP very often and they do nothing. They do not believe that I have PTSD. They just say I have no manners when I explode 🙂

[Ayanna]

And it is not only the courts. I was abused badly and nearly got killed.

[Winterblues2]

I don’t know a lot about your situation so sorry for all the questions… But do you have any support aroubd you or any means to vent? We are all here and happy to listen but just seeing if you have anything else.

I know and have met women who have been so infuriated by their situations that it channels put as anger. Unfortunately, as I found out in criminal court when it happened to me, it doesn’t help. Is this what has been happening to you?

I wonder if we could find a way to help your symptoms?

[Serenity]

My local women’s aid found me DV counselling sessions. I also try practising tenets of DBT therapy at home ( google it).

Also, previous forum users who have has extreme PTSD symptoms have had EMDR ( eye movement therapy) and said it changed their life. Your GP might be able to refer you to this X

[Ayanna]

Winterblues2, The problem is that I do not have any support, absolutely nothing. I do not speak about my situation normally and I get very much distracted at work, where I usually forget everything about my issues. My problem starts when I receive a letter, that has something to do with the abuser. That unleashes hell. Also, if a man misbehaves towards me in a public space I react with fury – which I actually do not see as a bad thing 🙂
I have been very withdrawn since I fled and I am very scared he or one of his companions turns up at my place and attacks me.
I am unable to deal with anymore court situations where he wants money off me.
And I am in such a situation right now. I hope the court will decide against a hearing. But this will take time to find out. This insecurity brings up all the stress again. A few weeks ago I was told that everything is finished and I was somehow relieved and began to relax a little bit. This is such a blow to me.

Serenity, thank you. I will make an appointment with my GP and see where I stand. It is very difficult to get an appointment with them 🙁 I try to do things at home but it never works. Also, last year I received a short term help from an organisation and they told me a few techniques. Nothing works. They said I should have longterm counselling, but by the looks of it I cannot have that. I read books and papers to help myself at the moment. At least I understand what happened with me and why my health is so affected as a result of doing some research. I resort to herbs now and hope they will help put my body back in balance. It is not nice to be so fragile all the time and to have so many illnesses.

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