Back in touch

[lmarg]

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I left him and (detail removed by moderator) since I heard anything about him..He disappeared and it was the best thing that happened to me because it meant I didn’t have to do anything except mourn the loss of him… Now he’s back. I was just starting to feel normal again and like I was out of his trap. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I wanted the best version of him for so long and for the last (detail removed by moderator) I tried to come to terms with the fact that he was a bad, abusive man and that I left him for the right reasons. Now he has found me (detail removed by moderator) and messaged out of the blue saying all the nice things he used to say and has just completely spun my head around. I feel like I can’t tell my family. I feel like I’m trying to resist the urge to speak to him and I feel so embarrassed, like I should hate him. I don’t know if I have the strength to tell him to leave me alone. I’m so confused. I feel so weak for wanting to hear from him.

[KIP.]

This is what these abusers do. He’s probably just finished with his latest victim and they often go back and hook in old victims. It could be he wants to hook you back in to discard you for the sake of his ego. Whatever his reasons you need to block him. Leaving an abuser is like breaking a drug habit. Now that drug is back in your face. Nothing has changed for him. He’s the same abuser and you’ll be trapped in the same cycle of abuse if you contact him.

[Anonymous]

Hello Lmarg

I’m in a very similar situation right now so your post title called out to me. After a long time of no contact my ex recently reached out and I felt the way you are describing. He was back in my head – apologies, charm etc…I felt an almost trained instinct to respond to him which I felt embarrassed by…I couldn’t understand why I was unable to maintain indifference towards him. Being in a better place, I couldn’t understand why I was happy that he’d found a way to contact me despite me having blocked him on things. I’m in a new relationship and have no desire to go back but I still felt pulled by a desire to communicate with him.

So I broke no contact and it was a terrible decision on my behalf which I regret. He received comfort and reassurance that he could still hook me and I have received nothing but stress and emotional exhaustion.

It really didn’t take long for the communication to start triggering me and all the strength I felt when I was maintaining no contact just drained away. As KIP says above once he’d hooked me into conversation the discarding started – everything switched his tone, frequency of message, willingness to talk about things from my perspective. I’ve now enforced no contact again but would have saved myself a lot of distress if I’d just continued to ignore him in the first place. Living and learning 🙂

Following advice on here I’ve been reading about the trauma bond – it made a lot of sense to me and might help you too 🙂

Take care x*x

[lmarg]

Thank you both for you comments- I really appreciate it. I don’t really know anything about trauma bonding so I’m intrigued to look more into that. I often find myself unable to understand why I can’t say no to him, it’s so frustrating. I feel so stupid for it!

[KIP.]

Abuse really messes with our heads, it can be like an addiction. They teach us to look to them for validation and to make us feel good but then they withdraw that affection and it leaves us spinning. It’s toxic and dangerous. Google the cycle of abuse, the power and control wheel.

[Author]

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