Bad day

[Aliendoh]

Hi
This is only my second post, so I apologise for already a bad day post. I’ve been trying to find ways to hopefully help me form some resilience, etc, so that I don’t become so broken with all cptsd effects. I’ve also had chronic pain (officially the pains are an unknown cause, although I’m certain it’s cptsd related). I’m now on a Freedom Programme waiting list. For the first time in years, I spoke with the charity that helped me into the refuge and into this safe house. I asked the big question, did they know if the abuser might always carry out his threats, or is it just empty threats, as he’d got what he wanted, the house, his dignity, his life, manipulated til the end, the police, the solicitor, the divorce, anyone to set againgst me, the lot, putting me back in my place amongst the rats, I think that was one of his terms. To the world he’s wonderful, gentle, great. Underneath that pretence persona, I’m pretty sure, is a pyschopath.The charity said they had known where threats are not carried out, and in other cases, where the abuser comes back. Threats of death to me were lifelong, (detail removed by moderator) in all manner of ways, and that its not just him, he’s got people who follow me, etc, many threats. I live in this safe house but I do know he knows where I live, unsure how. The charity said it depends how his life pans out, advised me to stay alert, safe. I’m always in survival mode, doors always locked, reverse my car to ensure I could get out quickly, sleep on the sofa, etc. I’m not functioning. I work and stay home. They said I’ll never be free of him, or the threat, until he dies. Im now there again, amongst the reality of real threat, just as I was all that time ago, as if its all now. No one at work knows, afraid it could affect work. I struggle with challenges, conflict, of power, control, manipulation techniques, that can happen at work, I break. I’ve been off work with all cptsd effects but I have to go back to save my job, career, life support, finances. Hence trying hard to find ways how I can help me. I’m on my own. Thank you for listening. Hope all are OK here, thank you for the oportunity of being here, I’ve hidden this for so long.

[ISOPeace]

Oh Aliendoh, that sounds absolutely awful. This isn’t something I’ve experienced, so I don’t have any good advice. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. You have shown so much strength and courage in leaving. It must feel so unfair that he gets to carry on his masquerade while you’re living in such fear. I’m sure some of the other ladies on here will have similar experiences. If you don’t get much of a response, repost this with a more specific title, starting or ending with ‘advice please’.

Well done for sharing. This forum is so supportive. And there is no need to apologise for a bad day post. The beauty of this forum is that you can’t burden anyone, because everyone can dip in and out as they like. Also ever post helps us all in some way, whether it’s raising awareness, helping make sense of our own situation or just connecting and empathising with others. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Aliendoh]

Thank you so very much ISOPeace xxxx

[KIP.]

Hey there, counselling really helped me. Reading about the effects of trauma. The amygdala. Practicing meditation and relaxation. Exercise and walking in nature when you can but I can say it took (detail removed by moderator) years for me to get out of high alter mode for any length of time. I was abused for decades though. I spent the first few years dealing with the effects through medication (not for long just to get me over a hurdle with sleeping). Zero contact with anyone associated with him and anything associated with him as much as I could. Rebuilding my confidence and self esteem. These threats are designed to control us so only act on what he does not what he says. That fear of his threats will keep you trapped. Be kind to yourself and take the time and help to heal x

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Well done for posting, its a very hard step to take.
Your situation is absolutely awful. You have taken the bravest step just by leaving, its incredibly hard to do for so many reasons.
Mine is the same. Charming persona, just so long as EVERYTHING is going HIS way, a n********t, and more !!!
Keep strong, stay safe/
Lots of love x*x

[Aliendoh]

Thank you so very much, ISOPeace, KIP and Ladiesand gentleman. I’m so sorry what you went through too. I hope you are all doing OK too.
I do ensure zero contact. And I would never allow him to know my fears, my life, anything at all. Because that would give him exactly what he wanted, wants. It would give him the power boost he thrives upon. I’d become under his control, in his mind, his play thing, all over again, if he knew. Hence I keep it all to myself. But inside it feels awful. I’m trying to find ways to maintain what I have, job, career, I can get really triggered at work, upon conflict, manipulative people, power people, etc. I’m trying to find what, or how, can I be, in a way that’s less soul destroying, less crushing, in that moment, and in all moments, weeks, months, years even, after that, when the effects, pain, cptsd, symptoms, affect so badly that I can’t work, which threatens my employment, career, livelihood. Ps I’d not revisited this thread til now, I think I felt shame. Thanks again, so much xx

[Aliendoh]

Hi again. I’ve found the forum and registered. I get migraines too. Bad ones. No sleep to. Etc. Take care of you. Xxxx

[PypleHll]

Hi, I am so sorry you are struggling. I am also struggling. Until a few weeks ago I hadn’t recognised my partners behaviour as abusive. Even though it ticks every box in coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse. I’m struggling hugely with the mental fallout, the reality of being in this relationship, which I plan to leave at some point, and the fact that I had made excuses for him for so long. I feel like i need some coping strategies. Sending hugs to everyone having a bad day.

[Aliendoh]

Hi PypleHll
So sorry all you’re going through. Hope you are doing OK. Stay strong. Sending strength with love xx

[Aliendoh]

Thank you for your kind messages xxxx

[Anonymous]

Hello I’m so sorry you are going through all of this and feeling alone. You have had some helpful suggestions including trauma informed counselling/therapy, maybe try more than one therapist or therapy until something feels right. Have a look at Russ Harris’s bestseller books… will help you deal with emotional pain and build up your self-compassion even when situations are very challenging. I have found work very triggering so have been looking for a different job. Hopefully the triggers will be less but not non existent. I too struggle with work but can’t give up for the same reasons as you. Keep talking to us all here x x

[Eggshells]

Hi Aliendoh

This sounds horrendous.

I understand completely about your problems at work. I’m wondering how important your career is to you? I had to leave my job to escape abuser. That effectively ended my career.

I’m currently out of work and considering my options.

I’ve moved away completely and I intend to change my name at some point even though my ex is nowhere near is dangerous as yours.

Sometimes, disappearing completely and starting afresh is your best option. It may be worth giving it some thought.

[Aliendoh]

Thank you Al so very much for your strentgh, kindness, care, advice. All great advice, options to consider. I’ve felt so low. Hence I’ve not been here in a while. But I am here. And so thankful, so grateful. Hope you all are doing OK, I feel I want to post more, ask more, hopefully I’ll feel stronger and be able to post more later on. Thanks again, so much hope you are keeping OK this Saturday night x*x my hugs, if that’s ok, and care, are with you. Xxxx

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