19th September 2021 at 2:45 pm #131636brokenheartedgirl1234Participant
i had a dream last night i was back at my exes house and i saw him and his sisters face in the dream. he was chasing me and then he got his friends to chase me too with their cars. Im so upset i woke up so sad.
I feel hurt our marriage didnt work. i miss and love him even though he beat me up so much. i feel like failure. i havent seen him in weeks but seeing his face in the dream im so sad.
i cant go out because its dangerous for me to be outside.
the relationship made me feel physicallu ugly. all my belongings and makeup are in that house so i dont feel like going out.
i have lost all my friends and i feel like my husband was my bestest friend. i know he hit me but he always took me out i dressed up and had some love from him.
now im all alone.
i know its better to be alone than to be abused but why am i so hurt.
i miss being a wife and doing things for my husband. loads of my family members and people around me are getting married i know i had my time but i feel so lonely in these times.
i am worried no one will ever want me again because i have been married. i feel i can hear my ex husbands words replaying in my head everyday ‘no ones gonna want u’ ‘it will be way easier for me to meet a nice girl than u to meet a nice man’
im so sad why is it much easier for men to have their happy endings in my colmmunity and a woman is seen as used goods.
how can i get over this all?
i have tried to speak to my doctor anmd get an appointment but they never bother calling me back or act so rude.
i have never felt more alone than i do today.
i felt when i was in the marriage i atleast had someone to hold me. i know he was abusive but i miss him so much. please help me.
19th September 2021 at 3:19 pm #131641KIP.Participant
It takes two to make a marriage work and he was never interested in making it work. Have you tried ringing the national domestic abuse helpline? I’m sure they can give you details of organisations that can help you. Your local women’s aid should be able to help too. I rang the Samaritans too when I needed someone to talk to. They were great x google help for domestic abuse within your local community and see if anything comes up? Did you report the abuse to the police? They have a domestic abuse unit x
21st September 2021 at 1:47 pm #131732NeverthoughtitwouldbemeParticipant
I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling right now.
You might feel this way now but time really is the best healer.
Keep a diary of how you are feeling and on the not so great days hopefully you will be able to look back and see how much progress you have made.
It is hard now but it will get better.
Sending hugs x*x
21st September 2021 at 2:17 pm #131734SingleMomSurvivorParticipant
An abuser will never have a happy ending. Yes they will move on and get into another relationship. Yes it will appear from the outside looking in that his new relationship is going well and his new lady is being treated like gold. It’s all smoke & mirrors & it won’t be long before his abusive behaviors come out in his next relationship too.
A lot of the times what we miss is not the actual abuser but the fantasy of who we thought they were.
3rd October 2021 at 8:36 am #132171Bee1Participant
I can relate to you a lot in this. How are you lately? I too am quite a few months away from what simply had to end. Broke my heart to do it.
I feel strong in some ways, and especially for but the hard days when loneliness grips is very painful, i get scared, i have no support around me, and I care for my elders, so I have to be strong regardless, not always easy….
Along the way, I try and live healthily, meditation is useful to quieten the mind down. I think we must keep reaching out so we can be heard when all is silent.
3rd October 2021 at 10:05 am #132174EyesopeningParticipant
Hey, I’ve had dreams since leaving, constant, always waking up at night.
Try journaling just before bed and destroying your notes?
It does seem to get better with time, they become less and less upsetting Xx
3rd October 2021 at 2:16 pm #132175EggshellsParticipant
Sending big, virtual hugs to you.
Please keep trying your GP or switch to another GP.
Rebuilding your life after an abusive relationship is a gradual process; it requires time and support. Please click this link to find support near you.
If you want to remarry, you will be able to but you need to learn to love yourself before it will be safe for you to start a new relationship, otherwise you could risk falling into another abusive relationship.
You really don’t want to meet someone who sees a previously married woman as used goods. You don’t feel that this is fair to women in your community and there will be men who feel the same – those are the men you will attract if you can do the work on yourself first.
Many areas have self referral schemes for free counselling. Try Googling the name of your area and IAPT. E.g ‘IAPT near me or (Mental Health NHS Self referral near me). If it’s an NHS scheme it will be free.
Please Google “Trauma Bonding Betterhelp” then scroll down past the ad’s to the betterhelp website and click the link. This is the clearest explanation of trauma bonding I’ve come across and it may help you to understand why you feel like you miss your toxic ex.
You have done an amazing thing, you have walked away from an abusive relationship. Give yourself credit for that as it is an incredibly hard thing to do. You can get through this and there is alot of help available.
A quick recap:
Find a supportive GP
Ring your local dv support charity https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Find free NHS counselling
Look up “Trauma bonding”
Stay in touch on this forum
Try the WA live chat https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
That’s just a start. Once your recovery is underway, even more help is available. We’re with you. xx
7th October 2021 at 8:08 am #132250Grey RockParticipant
I agree with the post above that says that there are no happy endings for the abuser. They carry on being abusive and ruining everything. Their minds are sad dark places, and there is no sense to be found in their thinking. I used to spend so much time trying to understand him but eventually realised that it just made me mad trying to find logic where there was none.
Not all GPs are equipped to understand domestic abuse and control and coercion. Please do make contact with Womens Aid. They were my rock through everything the last time I left. They also got me on the Freedom Program. There was a bit of a wait for that but it’s really helpful. My nightmares have become less frequent since I started that and it’s good to talk to people who just get it. Talking to other people is just exhausted and crazy making as we have to explain so much to get to the point that I just couldn’t find the energy to talk to some friends and family in the end.
My ex still makes occasional attempts at contact for various reasons. Sometimes nasty, sometimes apologetic, sometimes just telling me his grand schemes. I just don’t trust or believe anything he says nowadays and don’t respond at all. Hopefully he’ll think the messages didn’t get through. I’m not going to feed him with my energy any more. I don’t care what he does now as long as he stays away from me. But it took some time to reach this stage.
Things will get better. You’re still healing and it will take time, but Women’s Aid and the Freedom Program could be useful in helping thus process along.
Sending prayers and a hug.
Take care. GR
7th October 2021 at 12:59 pm #132257Grey RockParticipant
I just remind myself of all the times I caved before and the lies he told. The fake suicide threats. The lies about meeting other people. The lies he threatened to spread about me to turn everyone against me. The fact that no apology he gives ever really acknowledged anything he’d done . And that no matter how reasonable or remorseful he’s ever sounded, it only ever takes minutes of contact with him for him to return to his spiteful self.
The thing that keeps me strong now is living in gratitude for my freedom, and that I’m no longer treading on eggshells trying not to set off whatever invisible trip wire is lurking in him that day. It’s so nice not to have accusations screamed at me for visiting family or going for a coffee with friends, or because traffic or a queue has delayed me ten minutes. To be able to join a gym class or read a book, or choose my own tv viewing. Those supposedly little things.
It took me a while to get to this stage though. There have been lots of tears, fear and lost sleep in the journey.
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