12th October 2021 at 10:46 am #132402
We had to move house, suddenly and obviously is one of the most stressful things to be faced with.
Now all is ok for a few days packing and arranging until one morning, husband wakes up, he’d been packing until late. I had gone to bed before him.
He wakes up very tired and i just know his mood isn’t good.
Now here’s the thing. I know men and women deal with things differently, when I’m stressed I like closeness and a smile, a hug. He does until he gets worn out. Then he switches.
I knew he was in a dark place, and all it took was a small criticism from him. But he knows if he says (detail removed by moderator) I react, it’s a trigger.
(Detail removed by moderator).
I had been doing my best to help, but I have the kids, the phone calls, emails, all the usual household runnings.
He doesn’t he can get on with things and then it looks like I’ve done nothing to him. This frustrates me.
So I got upset, he walks if come back and it starts again this time he denied saying it but my kids heard it all and said (detail removed by moderator). I told him I was shaking and crying with stress he didn’t care, just said (detail removed by moderator) as his mum can also trigger him to get at me.
We don’t speak.
Then during the move it continues, we barely speak or look at each other, I needed support and thought he would too? I was do hurt he was so angry or was he hurt?
He was lovely to the younger kids, not so the older (detail removed by moderator). All on eggshells and I’m feeling guilty did I overreact cos it’s stressful situation we were facing.
It hurt he could be kind to the youngest kids but not me or the (detail removed by moderator). Me mostly though, I can’t understand how he could be like this every time I felt things might get better it didn’t I’m fantasising about a husband who is protective, kind warm and sensitive and who I can work with during a stressful time. It’s not my husband!
Then after (detail removed by moderator) of me secretly crying, keeping it together. Thinking of leaving (don’t know how) and seeing this horrible man for who he is, reminding myself how much I have put up with. He wants a hug. I said no I was still hurt.
I don’t want physical relationship with him at all I’m so hurt. I’m uncomfortable going to be because he always wants to make up in this way. There’s no cuddle or holding hands.
It sounds tedious perhaps but the emotional torture is something else.
I can’t leave, he won’t. I’m feel trapped. It’s not enough to warrant abuse, but it’s enough to bring me down. Enough to leave me feeling worthless and (detail removed by moderator).
I live for my kids, if they aren’t all so young I would just leave. I know this must be affecting them. There never seems a right time to fix this. I keep waiting hoping the right time will come or things will just get better.
Thanks fir reading x
12th October 2021 at 5:30 pm #132418Wants To HelpParticipant
I have just read back through your previous posts, your history with your husband about the way he treats you and the children is so concerning. You are saying that your situation does not warrant abuse, but the history you have written about is very abusive.
I know from personal experience that a move to a new house gives us some hope for a ‘fresh start’ and that maybe this time, fingers crossed, a new environment will bring a positive change. In reality, all we are doing is moving the problem.
Your previous posts show that his behaviour has had extreme consequences on your children’s mental health and concerns have been raised. Please do not wait for them to get older to consider leaving him. For your sake and theirs try and find a way if you can. His behaviour to you and the children simply cannot be justified.
I’m sorry if this post is harsh or sounds judgemental, I do not mean to come across that way at all, but I have read how you have been living for at least a few years, and I’m sure it all started a long time before that. I understand the predicament you are in and how hard it is to face the reality of the situation. Your husband will not change, you hold the key to the change you need.
12th October 2021 at 6:02 pm #132419BananaboatParticipant
Oh honey it is abuse. If you haven’t already read the two books which get recommended on here all the time then please do, they opened my eyes to just how much of their behaviour is abuse and how much we try to justify. When we moved I got zero help, tons of criticism and constant criticism very similar to your post. On moving day he screamed blue murder at me and I remember crying (detail removed by moderator) begging to stay and not have to move with him. Yet I’m still here, dreaming of the day I escape because lovely it’s a process. And don’t underestimate the amount our kids pick up on, treating them differently especially infront of you is a form of abuse – to both of you. If you can leave straight away do it but as I’ve learnt from this forum it can take months/years before you do and whilst not ideal, it’s ok, learn how to cope, plan your escape and above all stay safe.
13th October 2021 at 11:46 am #132465
I need to thank you both for your replies it has meant a lot.
I am very low, living like this leaves me with such a sad and heavy heart. I wish I had the strength to break free, I no longer believe in myself. I have moments when I think I can but then the doubt creeps in.
I worry about my mental health, now fragile. I worry can I parent 4 kids, (detail removed by moderator) with additional needs, DIY, money. Can’t face the thought of working I barely have time to do what I do, my mental health, physical health.
My GP is useless, local support for DV I started seeing someone but it fizzled out as I think she left. Tried counselling on my own and with husband.
I’ve had several DV relationship in past and grew up in a DV home. Guilty feeling that my kids now live in a toxic in environment.
My youngest says my daddy is mean to my mummy, it breaks my heart. I’m failing my kids.
How do I break free when after everything my husband acts like nothings happened, everything is ok. When I bring it up, explaining that I’m hurt he says(detail removed by moderator). Or he’s dressed doing everything he does for ‘us’
This then means I cannot justify him leaving he won’t it’s his home his kids too.
And then I do nothing until the next time it’s bad in a week, or a fortnight, a month or whenever.
If I do end things I will be the bad one, he will be awkward, cold, difficult and mean. It’s easier to stay when you start to think of what’s ahead.
13th October 2021 at 12:31 pm #132467Wants To HelpParticipant
I feel for you, my heart goes out to you, and it saddens me to tell you there is no easy answer to your situation, the solution is also hard work and an uphill journey.
When faced with difficulties it is so much easier to do nothing and simply ‘hope’ that things will change for the better. We wait for a miracle to happen so that we don’t have to do what we know we need to do. The reality is that WE need to make those changes happen.
Miracles actually happened for me! I’ve no other way to explain it (some church people told me it was God’s work but I’m not religious). However, my miracles happened AFTER I left. I would be in my darkest hours of my darkest days, wondering how I would get through a particular problem, and then someone would come in to my life with a solution. I’d either get a phone call out of the blue, a knock at the door from someone with good news, or I’d meet someone who could help me. I had no idea what my journey to Recovery would look like, I just knew I had to take that first step to leave the relationship and hope for the best.
I’d tried to plan my exit but that didn’t work out. My plans were scuppered by my ex. In the end I fled. I ran away with our son. Sometimes no matter how hard we try and figure out a sensible way to leave abuse there is no answer that fits the problem. Running away is the only option.
I am pretty sure a lot of your poor mental health is down to your relationship. Your history of abusive relationships may well have stemmed from what you witnessed as a child and the way of life you were brought up in. To you, this was ‘normal life’ as you saw no different. But that doesn’t mean it always has to be this way. You have the power to make changes. Don’t think it’s too late because you should have done it sooner – it’s never too late to improve our lives.
There will be refuge spaces big enough to accommodate a lady and four children, but I do understand this will depend on the age of your children and their sex. Refuge tend not to accommodate boys of 16 and over. If you have boys of that age then I do get that refuge will not be an option for you, unless you can find one that accommodates boys of that age with special needs. If you can find a refuge then be aware it will not be near your home town for safety reasons. Running away like this means a whole new start in a whole new town, applying for housing, applying for benefits, changing the children’s schools. You can look on it as a new life and a new adventure, or you can fear it and stay as you are.
You don’t have to justify to him why you have left him. You can already justify the reasons to yourself, read back through your posts and you will find plenty there.
Sometimes we need some stark realisation to kick us in to action. I’ve no idea how old you are (and even if you replied it would be redacted) but ask yourself “How many years ahead of me do I realistically have?” Then ask yourself if you really want to spend them living like this. If the thought that the life you have now is the life you will have until your death fills you with dread then the time has come to make some life changing changes. He’s not going to change your life for the better, only you can.
How about starting with one phone call today to Refuge or Women’s Aid and enquire about a refuge space for a woman and four children? If one is available you have a chance to run away.
14th October 2021 at 11:43 am #132509
Yes you’re right and have been waiting for that miracle or for someone else to tell me or …. just not facing up to the fact that this cycle is making us all ill.
I love how you experienced your ‘miracles’ as if all the moves you made were meant to be helping you move on!
I can’t face a refuge, neither is my son going to cope with the upheaval for many reasons.
I think I will try local services again.
Get a solicitor then find my rights.
Baby steps is all I’m capable of feeling so fragile just now and do us my eldest.
This site helps me get my head a little straighter, feel less alone and you are all so supportive and kind x
Why do these men stay when clearly they are unhappy too, although he’s just unhappy with me, or does he think it’s normal, I’m guessing he does (mind spinning again)
Anyhow nothing will change unless I change things.
I have reread my posts on here and reminded myself of what has and is being said or done to me.
Things were better for a while and it’s gradually got more frequently again.
14th October 2021 at 6:56 pm #132522
He’s really trying to convince me he’s right, I’ve been horrid, I don’t do enough.
He’s hard done by and low.
I give him a hard time. He’s been through hell trying to fix everything with the move.
He’s called me a nag this evening
If I try to talk to him he’s on his phone or watching the tv he’s not heard me.
If we talk about his family I feel like I’m prying it’s awkward.
I’m feeling like I’m useless, I can’t cope with anything.
He says there’s always c**p everywhere he tries to help but I won’t let him. It’s true, because I feel guilty it’s not done and if he tidied I can’t find things.
He doesn’t see anything I do or achieve.
I’m trying so hard to be positive, my eldest knows all that’s going on. Says I need to do something.
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