Badly let down by professionals

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

I used to post under a different name. I feel ashamed to still be in the messy situation.

I’m sorry this is long. If no-one reads at least I’ve written what has happened.
I’m so scared he’ll find out I spoke to someone about him. I’ve been told by a helpline it won’t happen because it’s not allowed but this person has already done things they’re not meant to do.

Things were very bad for ages but calmed down a bit. I decided staying was safer for now but planned to get things sorted so it would be easier to leave if things got dangerous again.

Everything’s gone wrong and I’m struggling to cope. I’ll get through it I think but wanted to write it down in case I don’t.

I don’t know how I can ever trust a professional again. I disclosed to gp a few years ago. Showed them injuries. They referred me to someone who didn’t seem to understand or believe me and didn’t do a risk assessment. She told GP it was anxiety. I went a few weeks later with another injury. It was so hard and I felt so ashamed. GP just said she didn’t need to see. So there’s no evidence now. .
I tried to tell her the reason I was crying and scared. That it wasn’t anxiety but fear of what he would do. I found it hard so couldn’t say it but hoped she’d know what I meant when I talked about the situation at home. She suggested I write a letter. I didn’t want to because all mail goes through reception. I’d been promised my DV info was on separate medical records by the first gp but this one wrote on my main records so now the admin staff all know.

Couple of years on, the surgery is accusing me of not bothering to attend a few hospital appointments and giving me a warning. They know why I couldn’t attend, it was after stuff happened with him. I begged him to let me go and told him they’d stop my medication if I didn’t.

He’s been great recently so I don’t want to bring him into it now. He’s sorry and is supporting me. No one else is. My local DV service is awful. GP even worse. I feel sick that I trusted them and I’m terrified they’ll let slip to him I disclosed. They’d get away with it because he’d lose his temper with me but wouldn’t say why.

One of the receptionists has been bullying me. Similar to how he does sometimes, twisting the truth, deliberately misunderstanding, not passing on messages. I ended up trying to complain, asked for the practice manager but she never contacted me. Then all the receptionists turned on me and have persuaded the GP I’m a problem patient. I finally made a formal complaint after a new GP stopped my medication with no notice and ignored consultant notes. She doesn’t seem to understand the condition and misunderstood and misread my notes.

I can sort this by seeing the consultant but I was planning my leaving and now have to put that back and spend escape fund money on cabs to the hospital. Without my medication I’m more dependant on him. Now I’ve been threatened with letter telling me I made nuisance calls. I recorded the calls so can prove its not true (I was crying and begging to speak to GP) but it’s so much to deal with on top of the abuse, if it is still abuse.

I’m so confused now because I don’t know if he’s still abusing me but more subtle, less violence, because all I’m thinking about is the GP issue. I feel sick because I trusted them and they’ve set back any leaving plans.

[Escapee]

Hey about to succeed 😉

Don’t you go apologising because you didn’t leave, we all get it. I got out and then went back again! Now, way too many years later, I’m getting out again. So please don’t feel bad, you weren’t ready.

And plenty of us will read and respond to you. Your story is so tough to read! All those people you should be able to trust to help you letting you down like that! That’s awful ☹️.

And you are so brave and strong to reach out when your confidence in people must be shattered.

Was is Women’s aid that let you too? If not then try them or ring a different branch. Maybe I’ve been super lucky but they have been really good with support.

Sometimes just up and leaving is the safest option, no ducks lined up just go. It sounds like you’re in a dangerous situation my lovely so maybe this would be best for you. Go to a refuge far away, take a huge breath and then let the workers there help you get back on your feet.

It’s really good you’ve come back here. These ladies have some very wise advice and the support is something that’s definitely helping me through this heartbreak.

Love and hugs to you xx

[diymum@1]

awe this is where it all falls down. this is awful to read that youve been so let down with professionals that are actually legally obliged to look after you. its ignorance pure and simple. often patients notes are looked at and an instant decision is made based on ignorance. i think they are mistaking how terrified and desperate your feeling with other patients that may be very demanding for no good reason. id put a complaint in suggest that the staff need dv training (as 1 in 4 women face this at some point!) id change surgery from there. get yourr prescription sorted first tho 🙂 the overall concern i have is noone professional seems to have a grasp on trauma bonding. we women do so why cant they – is it because this just isnt medically recognised? – keep holding your head high love. i felt ashamed too but only because he programmed me to think that way and other ignorant people. we understand and eventually in time youll see this honestly is not your shame to carry xx much love diymum xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thank you Escapee. I feel bad because he’s been really good mostly recently. He’s making a massive effort. I was planning to be ready to leave but not go unless I had to. I’m too upset to think clearly though. I feel like I need him because there’s some brilliant help out there but some awful services and it’s a risk. There’s too many bullies working in jobs they shouldn’t. I think he cares about me too.

I wish you so much luck though with your escape. I hope it works out this time. xx

[diymum@1]

also if you complain yu could say these specific professionals are actually trained to take a holistic approach to their care. so your emotional needs. the governing body might be one to mention the GMC – they usually sit up when you bring them into the equation – a higher power – the ant-bully policy will be available xx your being discriminated against for sure and its not acceptable x

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi Diymum, thank you. Sorry I didn’t see your reply. I feel too confused and tired to think straight. I think he’s trying to change. I know people will think I’m stupid. I don’t know because right now I’m stressing about the doctor.

If I get through this I want to complain properly and campaign for proper training on DV. I’m too scared to follow through with the complaint now though in case they tell him I disclosed. The worst bully receptionist is always really nice to him. He’ll be hurt and angry.

I hate this. I have to change surgeries with a black mark against me. In the past he threatened to ruin my reputation, tell everyone I was disturbed. It’s worked but the problem is I think he is genuinely sorry.

[diymum@1]

hey its ok we all went back – sometimes were not ready and we do give chance after chance so did i lots off times xx it took me most of my adult life to be free. your not ready and noone can take you to that place but you. to have hope is courage at the end off the day 🙂 wait until your ready to complain they cant disclose any off your records to him – they would be sacked. what you could do is transfer your notes to another surgery but first write to them and ask to see them – i did this it takes a month. youll have to keep them safe somewhere i guess so he dosent see them. you can actually ask them to take out what you dont agree with thats written about you. xxxx love diymum

[diymum@1]

this is under the new data protection laws xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thank you Diymum. Its good to speak to people who understand. I’m confused if he’s still an abuser or if the abusers now the GP surgery. It feels better at least writing about it.

I asked for my records and they sent me a few odds but hardly anything. Lots missing. They said they want £50 to send paper copies. I’m going to call an advice service tomorrow but I’m too scared to make a fuss when I’m still with him. I’ll see what the advice people say. Thank you for your replies. It means a lot. xx

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, speak to Rights of Women, they should be able to advise on this.

The surgery can only charge for a SAR (Subject Access Request) under certain circumstances:

1/ If they have to create a medical record
2/ If they have to interpret information in a medical record or report
3/ If you make the request for the same information several times and it has already been provided.

The fee must be ‘reasonable’.

If you agree to collect the papers rather than have them posted to you, they can’t charge for that.

They also have to justify the charge and their reasons for it.

[KIP.]

Hey, just wanted to send support but also say that there’s only one person to blame for what’s happening to you. It’s okay to feel let down by professionals but it distracts from the problem which is you’re being abused. Abuse causes all sorts of physical and mental health problems and when we are dealing with abuse, our headspace narrows leaving little room for rational thinking. Please don’t think im stating the obvious but for a long time I blamed and was distracted by the behaviour or professionals, overlooking the fact that my abuser caused this and continued to cause it. I tried to treat the symptoms for years, instead of the cause. The cause is him, the cause of your injuries, your confusion, your tiredness, Until you’re free from abuse, this confusion and fog will continue. “Things were very bad for ages but have calmed down now”. Do you know about the cycle of abuse? Do you have help from womens aid? Can you go to a refuge for a while to get your head straight. Nothing will get better while you are with an abuser. They don’t let us get better x

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi thanks ebonyraven and kip.

I can’t think straight at all. I really trusted my GP. now I feel sick and a bit defeated. They’re using DV situation to bully me. I think they know I’d stand up for myself if it wasn’t for that.

I’m frightened to leave with all this unsorted.

Kip, you’re right. I’m focusing on all this instead of the situation with him.

I’ve had lots of planned leaving dates that fall apart but this time I had a clearer plan. I don’t even know how to leave now. I’ve been indoors for several weeks. I wasn’t well. Now I still feel it great but think I could manage with painkillers but I feel too ashamed. We live in a block of flats. You hear everything the neighbours do and say. They talk about us and now they heard me crying down the phone to supportlines yesterday. I feel too ashamed to go out. It’s a quiet residential street. I’ve heard them talking about asbo neighbours and the mad woman.

[KIP.]

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. If they knew the truth they wouldn’t be so cruel. Let them walk in your shoes and see how they would cope. Have you thought of an occupation order where he is removed from the home? I became very fearful of leaving the home. I felt trapped then when I did leave I had panics and ran straight back to what I thought was my safe place. But there was nothing safe there.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thank you. I think they feel sorry for me but,I’m not sure how to explain this, but that thing that lots of people including the media think, that if you don’t leave you sort of are asking for it or sort of don’t mind. I don’t think I’ve explained that well.

That’s exactly how I feel. Like it’s my sanctuary but its not. I’ve also run back home after just stepping out. Can’t get occupation order. Private renting. I can’t afford the rent anyway. Even if I could I don’t think I’d be safe here if he was forced out. I know I’ll need to leave the area. Was so scared of that and still am, but at least I’d be well away from the gp too, all the bad memories, proper fresh start. I’m still so upset. I really do see the same abusive tactics that he’s used. They’ve taken my focus away from the situation and sent me running back to him because he’s supporting me and they’re not.

I’m a bit calmer now, I’ve managed to eat something and he’s out this evening.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Just wanted a quick vent before bed. I’m actually not that ok. I feel the same way I do after an incident with him. Just exhausted and so alone. I’d usually think of turning to the GP when struggling but they’re a big part of why I’m struggling. I have to deal with him at the same time as their bullying. I want to make it out of this mess partly now so I can make a proper complaint. I keep thinking maybe they don’t believe me about him. Has he spoken to them telling them I’m mad. Or are just badly failing in their duty of care. I’m sorry. I know I need to pull myself together. I’m posting here now, I’m not alone. I think I needed to get out what happened so it’s out there and known. I’ll try to get some me sleep. Thank you everyone xx

[diymum@1]

your not alone – ive felt the same with professionals my daughters head teacher (who crosses the road when she sees me!) my managers have all treated me like im crazy a l***r. we know this isnt the case. you feel like hes tarnished your reputation but this is what they do to get more power and control. this is how trauma bonds get tighter. one step at a time changing surgery would be best xx there are professionals who do understand x

[diymum@1]

i think what were experiencing here is victim blaming – i had a google and the explanations are very long winded! i found a definition; i feel in your case he has gaslighted the professionals and theyve been sucked in.

Victim blaming refers to a practice of questioning what a victim could have done differently in order to prevent a crime from happening, thus implying the fault of the crime lies with the victim rather than the perpetrator.

Myth #9: Women often lie about abuse.

Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare. The Crown Prosecution Service released the first ever study of this in 2013, and concluded that false allegations are even more infrequent than previously thought. In the 17 month period that the study examined, there were 111,891 prosecutions for domestic violence, and only six prosecutions for making false allegations.

This myth is extremely damaging, because the fear of being called a liar can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.

Myth #11: Women are attracted to abusive men.

Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and it is not uncommon for a woman to experience abuse in more than one relationship. To suggest that some women are particularly attracted to abusive men is victim-blaming. A perpetrator of domestic abuse can be charming and charismatic when he first meets a new partner, and often no one, let alone the woman he has just met, would suspect he would ever be abusive in a relationship.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi honey

I feel for you, having been there too, let down by professionals, our GP mainly, it was awful and sickening.

I’d suggest getting yourself into safety first, call Women’s Aid to help you get into a refuge, get a friend with her car to come remove you out of the house. She can support your arm kindly walking from your house to her car. To keep yourself distracted you can count the steps between the house and the car, fighting down any panic and anxiety wanting to surface.

Once you are finding yourself in a safe place, rest to gather your strengths then only then fight for justice. You can take them all, your abusive ex, your GP, one by one and with the assistance of organisations. But in order to do that you’ll need to be safe, physically safe, away from him. Get yourself out of this wasps nest you’re finding yourself in. You do not need to be located near your GP in order to fight them. Anything legal has to be sent by letter anyways.

I’ve been in your shoes, almost everyone turned against me, supporting him, believing him. I had no choice but to get away fast into safety. Distancing yourself from them all will help you regain your thoughts and strengths.

Your neighbours are worried about you in their own ignorant way. If they knew only the tiniest part of what you are going through they would actually be asking if they could assist you in any way instead of gossiping about you.

Keep strong darling, keep your head held high, keep breathing deeply, keep steady and keep posting, you’ll get through this 💪💕

Sending you lots of hugs and strength

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’re spot on DIYmum, it’s pure victim blaming!
How can the victim ever be blamed, she/we never held the power to act the way we wished. He held the power! So do the professionals! Look at who’s holding the power to see clearly who would be in potential position to abuse another. Sight!
Getting there though right? Being able to articulate what’s happening to us returns our rights back to where it belongs. Us!

[Anonymous]

Gosh, professionals, what a waste of space some of them are. It’s comforting to read all the earlier posts to know that I’m not alone in my experiences. I’ve yet to chat with a counsellor who actually understands domestic abuse and all the forms that it can take, particularly the less visible emotional/psychological stuff. They are so judgemental!! There seems to be a unwritten rule that if you are not a weeping mess in their room then you can’t really have been that affected by it all. Indeed, you might actually just be attention-seeking. I mean, have they not realised just how hard we work to hold it all together, to appear normal to the outside world, because that is what society has conditioned us to believe is required. Reading and posting on this forum is giving me the confidence to share my experiences, both here and outside ‘in the real world’. Thanks to you all for your positive comments – it’s great to know you are here, reading and sharing your thoughts.

I could write a long essay about my negative experiences with counsellors, but perhaps on another day. x

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thanks all of you. I think it’s definitely victim blaming by one of the GPs (she s snapped a while back, told me I was X*x years old and should have got my life together. I was scared as it was during a bad time with him but she insisted it was all anxiety. The bully receptionists are abusing their power. They’re as bullying, and actually abusive, as he’s been (minus physical violence). I can’t explain it all properly because the heat gives me brain fog. I’m stuck indoors today because my health condition. I’m in pain. Without the medication is sort of like being without crutches or a walking stick.

Thank you, HopeLifeJoy, I feel sick having a warning letter on my medical notes with the receptionist lies but you’re right. I don’t think I can sort it until I’m away. I just don’t know how to register with a new GP with that on file.

I suppose he is still an abuser? He has been my only support really recently and mostly really lovely, but he gets angry if I’m upset about the consequences of his actions, that I’m in this medical mess.

I feel so ashamed about this. I don’t have any friends anymore. I reached out to one a few years ago. At first she seemed supportive but she didn’t really get it. She’s stopped messaging me.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

I’m sorry you’ve been let down too, Cirrocumulus. When I’m not upset and scared, I’m angry about how many professionals either have no clue or are actually n*********s or bullies themselves. I’ve read that abusers will try to get jobs where they’re in positions of power.

It’s like a catch 22, I’ve found. If you are crying and falling apart, they say it’s your mental health. If you’re calm (on the surface) they say you’re lying or exaggerating. It’s like we can’t win. I desperately want to campaign for better training, awareness, and regulation if I make it through this.

[diymum@1]

its their job to make sure your not in pain – its actually their duty of care and also to respect you. they are attached to regulatory bodies you could put an official compliant in and theyd have to come down on them xx there are loads of tribunals going on as we speak you can actually read them on line on the nmc website. they all have pin numbers attached to the regulatory body. i know its scarey but id ask for their pins and explain your making a complaint. then be completely honest – your being abused xx

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