Baffled

[Beautifulday]

So the other day he just gives me this chilling stare and says that he knows ive been messaging strangers , I said back dont be stupid what are you on about. He said people have told him and that its pathetic and he walked off left me standing there confused. Since then I’ve been paranoid. I haven’t spoken to any strangers apart from this forum really, I don’t know if he meant men?, or this forum ? I didn’t know what to make of it, or if he was making it up to seem like he knows things . Im just paranoid now scared to look on the forum really I keep my phone with me at all times and have a lock in it so I dont know what this meant anyone else experience this?

[KIP.]

Yes its him fishing for you to confess. My ex was doing exactly what he was accusing me of so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is messaging other women or involved with other women. They throw accusations at us to see if they can catch us out. The thing is there’s nothing for them to catch us out with. It won’t stop him from fishing though because he assumes you’re behaving like him. Watch what he accuses you of. It can be the things he’s doing. My ex accused me of stealing money and cheating on him. Which was ridiculous but exactly what he was doing x

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Thank you for your reply! I thought so! After reading lots of books, lots do say they will accuse you of what they do. It was just way he said it out of the blue staring at me so I didn’t know if to look away, look down just made me feel nervous even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Its also strange because before we got married we were both very open on Facebook could see each others friends etc. Although I did delete all my male work colleagues as he told me it was slaggy!! So on the end it was just females and family on my friends. Then as soon as we married I noticed that he had blocked me from seeing his friends list , but on some of his posts I could see that females were commenting people id never seen or heard about, now I’m not jealous type in any way but it did make me question well who are these he never mentioned them and lots of the comments were quite overly friendly to the point of flirty with xx on the end. I never said anything but then during an argue I brought it up asked why I was backed from seeing his friends and who these women were he just looked at me like I was crazy and when I said how come he had never mentioned them? His reply was because im so hard to communicate with he never had chance to say. It made me feel confused and actually made me realise he has double standards, im not allowed to have male friends yet he can do as he pleases. They just mess with our heads

[diymum@1]

i read once that doule standards are a hall stamp of an abuser. so its ok for him not for you? so he sees everyone around him as less than him basically what a flippin cheek!! he has maybe looked at your history and saw the forum? hes looked it up and he can see what its about. domestic abuse he knows he is an abuser deep down he knows if you reach out for help and get enlightened you will possibly leave. these men areny daft but they are very scewed in there thinking. in a normal non abusive relationship he would trust xx

[Hazydayz]

💕Feeling for you Beautifulday, has he been watching you texting on your phone? A lot? Mine would see from across the room with his X-ray eyes that I was engaged on my phone a lot, texting. Sneakily, he would pass close by, bring me a coffee to my side table, as an attempt to see what I was doing? Who I was texting? trying to creep quietly without my seeing him coming up beside me. I got wise to it and turned my phone away. This just fuelled his suspicions. He asked me outright once…have you met someone? I laughed hysterically!😄 Thought…that would be a good idea? to get out of this, away from him! But then decided to tell him…I’m on a chat to women who suffer PTSD like me. Who don’t want to note their partners with their emotional stuff! Women’s talking/crying etc gets on their partners nerves, (his!) when they’re wanting to watch Man telly! He sucked it up! Bought it! Cause it suited him! He got the TV controls to himself! But be careful I wouldn’t advise this unless he has had stuff to deal with? And understands about talking therapy. Could be risky telling that Porkie pie to a non believer. Stay safe💞 you would be missed here if you weren’t on the forum with us💗

[Beautifulday]

@diymum@1 and @Hazydayz thank you for your replies

I dont think he’s looked at my history as I keep my phone always on me and it has a password to get into it, and although on the beginning of our relationship he used to look through my phone ask who people were etc since getting married (worst mistake of my life and one I regret ) since being married its as if he now thinks he “has me” so he forest tend to bother with my phone or check up on me its more emotional stuff like criticism constantly, put downs, name calling . Its wierd because his tactics have changed.
I dont know if he was just saying this to make me feel uncomfortable see how I reacted ? I did make me uncomfortable i didn’t know where to look I didn’t want to look guilty even though I know im not.

I’m not the jealous type at all, and I believe its healthy to have friends of both sexes, my best friend was male and sadly I lost contact with him as my Husband said it was slaggy to have close male friends! That’s going to be my first thing to do when I leave him, get back in touch with all my wonderful friends:(

But for sure there are double standards, one rule for him another for me, yet he will deny this! Im off to work now and so glad to get out of the house, ive felt drained all weekend and not my self, I wish you all a lovely day speak to you soon xx

[Hazydayz]

💞 Beautifulday, thankyou. You try have a lovely day yourself, I know it’s difficult with things at the back of your mind always but enjoy your freedom, even if it is only at work. See you later, brave one! 💞

[KIP.]

it’s coercive and controlling Behaviour ensuring you don’t have male friends. My ex used to fire wild accusations at me then sit back and watch my response. It’s scary behaviour. My world became smaller and smaller until it revolves around him and keeping the peace. I lost myself in that abuse. Became a shell of a person. Too scared to leave and too scared to stay. It caused terrible mental health problems and I just didn’t understand it was him because he would be so nice and charming then so nasty so it must have been my fault because nobody treats another person that way if they haven’t done something wrong I thought? Wrong! Don’t make the mistake of thinking he has any empathy or cares about you at all on a personal level. It’s all about how much life he can suck out of you to make himself feel better!

[Camel]

Hi Beautifulday

You posted this a while ago so I hope you don’t mind me commenting a bit late.

The bit I find really creepy is when he said to you that ‘people have told him.’ As if he has a legion of spies out there.

When he accuses you out of the blue it’s normal to focus on the accusation – that you’ve been messaging strangers. He forced you to defend yourself. And afterwards, to become paranoid that he ‘knows’ something.

Next time he comes out with this rubbish, take a breath before responding. Say how angry you feel that anyone would make up lies about you. How disappointed you are with him that he would listen to them and believe them. Demand to know who they are so you can confront them.

You know full well there aren’t any such ‘people’ out there, ‘telling’ him anything. Put him on the spot.

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