Bags packed but now feel unsure

[Buttercream41]

I’ve borrowed my brother’s car and I’ve put my things in it secretly so I can leave when I get back from work (detail removed by moderator) quickly before I change my mind if he asks me to stay.

For over a year now there has been no physical violence (there were only ever a couple of incidents over the course of one year), and we have been good for (detail removed by moderator) in a new, bigger flat.

Even though things are good between us, my mental battles continue in a different way and I think about whether I could have a happier life without worry if I left every day. I have nightmares and I often overthink horrible things that were said like calling me stupid, horrible b**tch, ugly f**k during arguments. (Detail removed by moderator). These things were a long time ago and I know he wouldn’t dream of it now but they replay in my head and make me worry that we could fall back to that behaviour during stressful times in the future.

That is why I want to leave. However we genuinely are relaxed now and have shared interests and good times together. I feel so torn when it actually comes down to the act of leaving and imagining his hurt after he has changed is really hard for me.

I’m posting here in hope that maybe someone understands as I don’t want to involve my family etc in case I don’t go through with it. I really want to be strong this time but I know there is this physical feeling that of anxiety that comes over me when I prepare myself to break up.

Any responses are appreciated more than you know. Hope you are all okay xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Oh sweetie I am so pleased for you.
You are strong you are brave and you are amazing.
Take a deep breath you know you arw doing what is right for you. Keep listening to that little voice inside of you that knows this is what you need to do. Regardless of how things are now he was hurtful and abusive and that can never be forgiven or excused you are allowed to leave and go live your life your way.
I wish you so much love and luck if you can when you are safe let us know as we will be thinking of you. Stay strong its not gonna be an easy ride but It will be worth it. Sending you so much love n hugs xxxx

[Teaandcats]

What nbumblebee said. Nothing can excuse abuse and you have a right to feel safe in your home, to not have to worry about what might happen or how he might behave. And you absolutely have nothing to feels guilty about, although it’s a pretty common theme on most posts, as you’ve done nothing wrong.
There are always ‘good times’. But there should never be violence, name calling or snarling in a healthy relationship.
It sounds like you’re in as strong a place as you have ever been with planning to get out. Go for it hun, you deserve far, far more.

[searchingforhope]

Oh best of luck, you can do it and you deserve it. Although its in the past, that has betrayed your trust, and hurt you irreversibly. You deserve far far better. You deserve to be happy and at ease.
Snarling comments is something I can identify with too, like where does that come from, what kind of a person does that to someone they are meant to love. Just cause it’s in the past (at the moment) doesn’t make it ok.

Stay strong and take care, thinking of you. You can do it. x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

If you are anything like me right now, you are unsure but what of?

I bet you’re frightened that you’ll regret your next move, or that you doubt yourself?

For me things also are better as years gone by and abuse i identified has now shifted to less obvious ways and means. However, what the others have said is also true what is done cannot be undone, you need to heal and the only way you can do this to any extent is to leave find a new life and draw a line under all he has done to you. If you stay you will just go over what he has done again and again and again and what does that do for you? You will stay feeling stuck and hurt for sure.

Please make that leap of faith trust yourself and make a beautiful new life for yourself, get away from what has hurt you and be free to be you.

Sending you hugs, please let us know how things go x*x

[Buttercream41]

Thank you all so much for these comments, they are definitely making me feel stronger and more capable of going through with this decision.

As the day is going on and it’s getting closer to the time I plan to do it I am feeling more anxious. I am feeling sick and shaky – I’m trying to breathe and keep working through this.

It’s hard because having such anxiety and a physical feeling to this makes me wonder if I am anxious about the thought of leaving him therefore it’s the wrong decision?

And yes I agree – I start worrying about will I miss him? Will I pine after him? Will I feel lonely? Will I be able to sort the flat/ finances with him without being pulled back in?

I’ll keep you updated, thank you for the support xxxx

[Buttercream41]

Guys I’m not sure if you will see this but I texted my partner how I was feeling (in terms of feeling anxious and worried about the future and what could happen). He’s come back really apologetic and saying how ashamed he is and being open about how it was abuse and he sees it all clearly now.

He has said a lot of reassuring words and I basically already know that I won’t go through with it. I just don’t know how I feel, I’m so exhausted.

[nbumblebee]

Hey its ok nobody here will judge you at all the choice has to be yours and yours alone.
Give yourself time alone go and calm down and just think for a while read through your posts on here really read them. Ask yourself what do you really really want? If you dont know then id suggest you leave him for now to take a break to try and see and understand how you feel about him without him there. If you really believe he has changed and you want to stay then id suggest keeping a bag packed just in case keep your eyes open and believe in your instincs after all who am I to tell you to leave when I wont right? For what its worth I do think you should go you deserve so much better you really do.
Whatever you decide it has to be YOUR choice sweetie not for him not becuase you feel bad for him that wont work you are not responcible for his happiness you are only reaponsible for yours.
Whatever you do we are right here with you every step of the way. Xxxxxxx

[Buttercream41]

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it so much. I’m still at work and I may go back but keep my bags packed like you say. I am keeping everything that’s been said in mind and I’ll read over all of these messages lots. I don’t know how feelings can fluctuate and be this confusing if I’m honest, I wish it was more clear but hopefully it all helps. thank you again xxxxxxx

[Medusa]

Hi,

I agree with all the wise and heartfelt advice you have got on here. You need to leave when you are ready and it doesn’t really matter that things have gotten better, if you cannot find the calm and trust you need in the relationship.
It’s interesting because I tried to separate from my husband but I was open with him and told him that is what I want. He backtracked and pushed the blame back at me by saying I just had a midlife crisis and he wasn’t going to let me make the mistake of separating our family. That made me contact a lawyer and I am getting my duck in a row. Then suddenly today he wanted to talk. He said he wants to start therapy – the freedom program. He is looking at healing programs for emotional abusers. I am so pleased. The last year has been hell. I first talked to him about how I felt a while ago and I made sure to have a therapist in the room. Yet it took so long for him to finally understand and admit that he has been abusive. I could not be more pleased- for our children. It was for them I did this, not for me. My feelings for him died a slow death over the last decade.

What I want to say is that it’s great that he is understanding and showing regret. Maybe it can change things in your relationship but remember that you don’t HAVE to feel anything. Change is great it it can come too late and that is not your fault xxxxx

Take care and if you don’t want to talk ti family do talk to us 🙂

[Buttercream41]

I’m so pleased that your husband is admitting his actions and finally taking the steps to treat you the right way. Clearly it sounds like you’ve been through too much and can’t see him in the same light anymore which is totally understandable. It’s great that you want the best for your kids – maybe over time if you’re still unhappy you can safely move on without the threat of destruction to your family (ie. if he has truly changed and willing to put your needs first without making it a huge battle which the kids have to be part of).

Wishing you all the best with your situation and sorry for what you have tolerated xx thank you so much for responding – I can’t believe how the support on here has touched me, it really does feel like a community of women and I was starting to lose hope before I signed up.

I ended up (detail removed by moderator) and I texted him saying I needed a break for a few days. I figured I have put myself through the anxiety and turmoil of preparing to leave this week that it can’t all be for nothing again. He pleaded over text for me to come home but I stayed strong as my stuff was already in the car and silenced his notifications. I stayed at my parents house last night (told them (detail removed by moderator)) and I’m not sure what the next week will bring but I already feel slight relief just at that massive step and I’m hopeful xxxx

[Watersprite]

Hey buttercream that’s a massive step! It sounds like it has given you the headspace you so deserve as abuse deprives us of that so we stop seeing and thinking clearly. Can you speak to your family about your experiences or friends or people at work? Leaving an abuser is hard and you will have moments of doubt and loss – speaking in those times helps as does reminding yourself why you left. If you make the choice to stay away – no contact is the only way. You have done the hardest step – stand tall in your truth and bravery x

[nbumblebee]

@Buttercream41 what a huge step well done you.
Focus on you what you want how you feel.
Not him not guilt not sadness for him just how you feel. Concentrate on that for now, listen trust and believe in yourself.
Sending love and hugs xxxxxx

[searchingforhope]

@Buttercream41 well done. That’s huge. Hope you get the space you think.

Do what is right for you, for your happiness.

Sending love x*x

[Hereforhelp]

That’s a huge step, truly well done.

I hope the space helps and now your husband is truly accepting his abusive behaviours then he will be happy for you to have more time to yourself without any conditions or expectations from you if you do decide to go back.

No one judges you on here lovely, it took me (detail removed by moderator) to separate from my husband (we tried couple counselling whereby husband manipulated our therapist, I managed to get him to separate a few times during these (detail removed by moderator) but gave in to him as wanted to keep our family together, been together decades, each time we got back together I felt worse and couldn’t function).

You are a brave and strong woman ❤

[Buttercream41]

You are all so kind thank you so much, your support is everything. I am listening and will read these back in moments that I need to. Sending you lots of love for your own situations too xxxxxx

[liftingthefog]

Brave lady.
Wishing you all the best whatever the outcome.
Perhaps he is one of the few that can see things as a true wake up call.
🙏🤞 xx

[Kitkat44]

Wow this is a huge step to take. We’re all here and you know in your heart what is right for you, taking some time and space apart can help give you clarity. Time will tell if his actions match his words, listen to your intuition, it knows and won’t let you down xx

[Buttercream41]

Thank you guys x Do you think that’s possible that he has truly changed this time and would continue to be understanding and ashamed by his behaviour in the future?

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh my lovley no i dont believe in my heart that they will ever change not totally and i dont believe that we can ever forgive let alone forget what they have done and said. It will always be there always. The question you need to ask yourself is can you ever learn to live with him without being scared he will turn? can YOU trust him? As outsiders we can so easily see things that you cant when you are living in them however we are not you and arent living your life sweetie. Be careful Be safe Be smart xxxxx

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