Be honest or water it down

[ultimatelyStrong]

As the title suggests…. should I be honest with the “professionals” about the abuse and my concerns for my child? Or water it down because they don’t believe me?

I’m stuck, on one hand I need to protect my child as much as I can but on the other hand the powers that be actually are not interested and I feel completely unheard. I don’t want to be seen as a trouble maker who causes family conflict. Can’t win 😭

[Soulsearcher18]

UltimatelyStrong , this is a difficult one to answer as we have to skirt around details and specifics on here don’t we?! If I were going to start by being entirely honest with anyone, it would be Women’s Aid. Do you have a local DA support worker that you have a good rapport with and that you trust? If so, sound them out-everytime. They are bound by safeguarding regs of course like any other professional but I have found that they generally have a much better understanding than all other services out there, they don’t panic they keep it real. Of course, you must trust your instincts though- you will meet many professionals on your journey. My hope for women in their life after is that they have at least one DA worker they can talk entirely openly with.
If you don’t have local support yet, try calling the DA helpline, or webchat perhaps? I think that it may be easier to get through to helpline later at night perhaps?

I don’t know which powers that be you refer to? I think we should use Margaret Atwoods Handmaids Tale to explain. Do you refer to the service that is the Aunts? Or the power that is the Commanders and the system that they enforce?

So what would Women’s Aid be and other charities like it- they’d be those people in the state that is liberal still and that try to help women to get out from Gilead I think.

Does this make any sense? Sorry ultimately strong, I’m prattling on but I get why you may not want to name services directly.

[ultimatelyStrong]

Soulsearcher, I have help from someone at refuge which is my local service. She’s amazing and has been involved for a long time now. She’s with me, she understands my ex’s character as she’s been in the rare position of seeing it in all its glory in the family court process as she has supported me for every hearing. However, although the social workers involved in my case do recognise my ex is a difficult person they do not believe he has been deliberately abusive and do not feel he is a risk to our child. Social services keep repeating in their reports that my child will be negatively impacted by the ongoing parental conflict. I get the feeling that as they don’t see what I’m worried about, they will judge me harshly if I continue to voice my concerns. However if I don’t, I wouldn’t be doing my best for my child. I hope that makes sense and I’m not diving too much away.

[Soulsearcher18]

Yes it absolutely makes sense. If you have raised your concerns but they have done assessments and do not believe him to be a risk then it is important that you follow their instructions. You do not want to be in the position of being accused of parental alienation, or of causing emotional harm to your child because you do not support their need for a relationship with their father.
I know how unbelievable it all is but that’s the system.
However, do keep notes, keep text messages, emails from him. Makes notes of comments, childs behaviour following contacts etc. Keep solicitor updated. I’m afraid it is a game and a long one at that, bide your time and gather the evidence. He will likely try to wind you up- do not bite. Stay positive, be neutral and very boring. Ideally you can do all of this through third party but if they don’t believe him to be risk to you or child then they may expect you to find a way to co-parent.
It is entirely frustrating, take some solace that you have expressed your concerns and it is their professional judgement upon which you are being made to allow contact. Therefore, you can do no more, other than follow their instructions obediently and with a smile.
But we are good at wearing a masked smile aren’t we? And no-one should underestimate what lengths we can go to to protect our children. They want us to play the game, they got it- for we know all the games in the book and then some. Years of surviving will teach you that.
I mean sound this out with your DA worker- and I’m very glad to hear you have one worth their salt but I think it likely she’s seen it all before sadly and it sounds like it’s the stage to comply. That said, your solicitor can also advise of course and it could just be about timing of to who and when you share your concerns, e.g solicitor may tell you to wait until court to express your concerns.
Hope I make sense?

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you mean. Our social workers have written the same.
The best advice I have received is, “if you don’t stand up for your children, who will?”
Don’t water it down. The social workers do enough of that already!
It is being used against me. (Detail removed by moderator).
But on the flip side, you don’t want them asking why you didn’t try to protect your child should something happen down the line. Does that made sense?
I don’t think we can ever be in a good position in the eyes of social workers. Either we look like we are parents that don’t care because if such allegations were true, why didn’t we get out of the relationship earlier? Or, they thing it must be just a problem with our relationship with our ex that causes us to lie and make things up about them. Many people just don’t understand what these men do to our heads, and everything involved with getting out. Sometimes it can be harder out of the relationship for our kids because you are around to protect them. Sadly, social services are lacking in understanding. And in my situation they have supported my ex, and even minimised what my children reported to them!
Long story short. Do all you can to defend and protect your child. My situation might still turn against me, and my children. But the fault will lie in the hands of the social workers (detail removed by moderator).
All that being said, I still struggle going forward (detail removed by moderator). I still wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But you know as a Mother. If you had the choice, what would you do to keep your child safe? Or, what would you want?

 

 

[Anonymous]

Sorry about the typos! I meant, you aren’t* around to protect them.

[Author]

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