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    • #42861
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      My partner is lovely looking tall stocky nice smile good job nobody knows the man underneath everyone says what a nice decent guy he is I question whether I am the problem.
      He dominates my life I have three children not his and have been with him for (detail removed by Moderator). A few times I have managed to get him out of the house but he always comes back it’s never for long. I never leave him for good because I’m scared he will meet someone else because he’s charming and handsome and women seem to love him.
      He tells me regularly he can get better then me. He makes me do everything around the home I don’t get a rest he doesn’t do anything for himself at all he thinks of a job and sends me to do it. If I stand up to him he shouts me down if I cry he says I’m a big baby and only baby’s cry he says this a lot.
      Last week he tried to smash my phone up because I was sending a text message he came in the room and started punching the bed by my head and pulling the quilt off me and hitting me with the pillows he’s never gone as far as to physically hit me but he’s come close he sometimes throw stuff at me like rubbish etc. Sometimes he is nice to me he isn’t nasty everyday but he does tend to have a go at me about soemthing daily so I never feel good enough for him.
      He gives me some money each week but if I ask for any extra he flips out because I lost my job so I rely on him for money aswell sometimes.
      He never gives me anything extra then (detail removed by Moderator) a week and then asks me to get things for him like razors etc out of the money.
      He shouts at the kids sometimes especially my youngest son which is really uncomfortable for me it’s upsetting.
      (detail removed by Moderator) I got him out and he’s such a big Head he expected me to go grovelling like I used to do because he used to leave me on purpose to beg him back. This time I didn’t and about (detail removed by Moderator) went by before he starts crying and asking to come back saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he couldn’t cope he had never shown much love to me before and he promised he would change and treat me better which he for (detail removed by Moderator) he was really kind and took me away etc but then he just went back to his old ways of putting me down.
      He times I’ve had no money to get food etc I’ve had to go to family members sometimes to ask for help because I can’t go to him because he shouts.
      (detail removed by Moderator) he moved out back to his parents after a huge argument and I found a new house My grandad gave me (detail removed by Moderator) and I put all of into doing up and then he just stayed over and never left and just moved himself back in which I never asked him to do that he never once offered to put any money to anything I bought in the house because I was living in a dump before.
      I feel like a worthless person and he’s the best I’m going to get because he tells me that.
      Last week I wanted to kill myself he’s cold towards me till he wants stuff then he starts nice again even now I feel bad saying nasty things about him I know other go through worse just need to get it out . Thanks for listening if you read all of that

      Rainbow

    • #42862
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Everything that happens is my fault he calls me stupid etc he says I flirt with other men his friends his dad so now I feel I can’t talk to those people.
      He swaps and changes with what he moans at.
      On social media we are together but he doesn’t put pics of me on he did when we got back together but then he stopped posting pics of me and kind of acts like I don’t exist I’ve brought this up as it’s hurtful to me but he still does it like he knows it gets to me. I’ve give up saying anything about it he just posts pics of him and his two children there’s a few of me on there but hardly any like I’m a nothing.
      He doesn’t like me putting pics of myself on social media at all and moans if I do once I got lots of likes and he deleted me as a friend over it.
      I know it’s pathetic but I want him to love me. My dad killed himself and even then he couldn’t muster up much sympathy I had to just carry on as normal he didn’t care I was grieving my heart was broken but it was like I didn’t matter. Everything is about him if I’m ill he don’t care if he’s ill I have to take care of him.
      I think I just stay because I think he’s to good for me and can easily find somebody else and probably treat them better and it’s like I don’t want him to have any happiness it’s a crazy way I think.

    • #42864
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Also just one other thing which makes me think it is my mom has a let’s say a holiday home recently bought which I haven’t visited yet and she asked me and the boys to go down.
      There was no room for him but I offered knowing he wouldn’t go as he doesn’t like my family but the night before I was so scared to say anything and when I did he sulked and then kind of punished me all night long which I knew he would do then the next morning refused to speak when I was leaving.
      I was with my family I wasn’t partying then he rang me and said it was quiet in the background and where was I it was the best wkend I’ve ever had some peace

    • #42870
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Rainbow Cloud,

      I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this, your partner sounds very abusive and I’m not surprised you are feeling so bad. Please know that you are not worthless at all, you are very worthy and deserving of love. He is the one that is the problem.

      Always ring Samaritans if you are ever feeling suicidal, I rang them every day for a week after I left my abusive relationship as my ex wore my self worth and self esteem down very subltly and gradually. When I met him I wasn’t too attracted to him and felt happy with myself and attractive but he guilt tripped me into dating him, by the end I felt like he was the goodlooking one and that I was old, fat, ugly and worthless as a result of him mocking me, laughing me and putting me down. They do this deliberately so that you stay with them – if you felt good about yourself you’d be more difficult to control and more likely to leave.

      I think it would help if you rang the national domestic abuse helpline who will be able to help you put steps into place to leave him. You need a careful plan that he is not aware of to ensure that you are safe.

      I can relate to you feeling envious about him finding someone else, they deliberately make us feel like that, often by subtly or overtly telling us that other women want them o by talking about other women etc. However, remember that abusers have a pattern of behavhiour that repeats in every relationship, so sadly whoever he is with next if you do leave him, will also be abused, and he will have most likely abused women before you too. Abusers rarely change, they just keep abusing whoever they are with. It’s best to pity any future girlfriends he might have because sadly they will also be treated badly and possibly even end up permanently harmed or even dead depending on the abuser.

      I am very sorry to hear about your father. it sounds like your partner is very callous and cold by not providing you with that support and warmth when you father died, that is not the behaviour of a caring partner at all. A lot of these men lack empathy and conscience, they are just not normal human beings. He also sounds very controlling and financially abusive too. Have you looked up the Power and Wheel and Coercive Control on google? I think it will help make sense of a lot of his behaviour.

      Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not alone, he is abusive, you’re not doing anything wrong, he is making you feel worthless but you are not, and you can take steps to leave him. Your life will certainly be better once you do. I left my abuser and I have gone from being suicidally depressed, crying all day, so anxious I was vomiting when I woke up, not working or seeing friends to feeling hopeful about my future, have reconnected with friends, have been enjoying my job search, have been doing fun things and generally life is a lot better with him not in it! Yours can and will be too 🙂

    • #42889
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thankyou for your reply I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
      I used to feel attractive everyone says it to me but that confidence is gone now.
      Just this morning he has got up and said where are you going dressed up like that you look like a s**g I’ve got jeans on. I said don’t talk to me like that please he said you do why is your hair and makeup done why are you slagging it up where are you going I was going to the supermarket.
      He has gone out for a bit now I’m so glad when he goes out for a bit it’s like I get rest I feel like I can’t think when he’s here because he’s always asking me to do things.
      I went to the doctors last week because I’ve been losing weight for no reason I’m below 8 stone in weight now and he was asking if I was stressed but I honestly think it’s because I can’t relax I’m always running on empty I don’t sit down. Like this morning he was in bed and I cleaned up everywhere etc because he will get up and ask what I have been doing or if I’ve been on my phone.
      It was ok when he had moved out and I was getting a few nights off but now I don’t get any nights off it’s full on all the time.
      I’ve let him move back in he just did it I had no say I really love him and wish he would change I don’t know why I would love someone like that

    • #42890
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      I feel bad moaning I know some women get hit and beaten up and I feel bad even moaning about this.

    • #42891
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      The money thing is a big issue I get some money for the kids which he never asks about but he doesn’t give me anything or help out at all with the kids (they aren’t his)
      He accounts for every penny and thinks what he gives me covers everything he doesn’t pay any direct debits etc
      I’m looking for a job again next week now because I haven’t been up to looking but I need to get back to work I can’t win either way when I work he thinks I’m loaded so doesn’t give me anything and when I don’t work he says I rely on him to much. So he always has a Moan whatever I do

    • #42892
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Hi Rainbow Cloud

      Firstly, as Sunshine Rain said, you are certainly not worthless. You are a wonderful, strong and brave woman and you are making those first few steps to getting yourself a happier life. You are not ‘moaning’, this forum is for your support and emotional abuse can be just as damaging (for me the emotional abuse was even worse than the physical) and both are completely unacceptable.

      I could have been reading about my ex partner with so many things you said and I know that you love him. That is what makes it so hard but you deserve to be treated so much better and you deserve to feel safe and valued. He is an abusive man who unfortunately knows how to manipulate you into staying with him but also feeling it is your fault. What he is doing is not right and I am sad to say that he will not change. Your posts give a real indication that he has no intention of even trying to change and you are worth so much more than that, regardless of what he has led you to believe.
      Please keep posting and reaching out for help. Womens Aid helpline is a good place to start. They wont tell you to leave him but they offer a supportive ear from people who understand domestic abuse. I found it such a support to have them there when I was feeling similar to how you are now.
      Inside you there is the happy, strong person that you were before this, look after her and take it a day at a time. You have support here x

    • #42893
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      One more thing -the baby crying thing – this is something my ex used to say to me all the time! He would tell me that I wasn’t a ‘real woman’ yet and I was ‘still a child’ because I cried so much when we had an episode. At the time I believed him, now I’ve had counselling, it seems perfectly reasonable that I was crying when the man I loved was telling me I was ‘worthless’ and ‘promiscuous’ and a ‘terrible woman’ and ‘bad at my job’ and ‘couldn’t please him’ and was always ‘letting him down’! You have been worn down by him and crying is one of the ways you deal with it and you are not wrong for that, don’t listen to him. This is another manipulation tactic Rainbow x x

    • #42896
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thankyou beenhere it’s hard to find the courage to leave I have done before but he always finds a way back in with his tactics.
      I cry a lot few times a week I try hard not to cry infront of him it never gets me anyway and to him it’s weakness so I try hard to keep it inside.
      I don’t know how you can watch someone you love crying because of you and not show an ounce of care and just put that person down even more at the same time.
      I could never do that to anyone he can’t blame anything he grew up in a stable home he was spoilt. My stepfather was very domineering and controlled my mom too and maybe that’s why I’ve ended up here it’s what I know but I don’t enjoy it I don’t want to be this way anymore . Thanks for listening

    • #42901
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      We’ve just had a row outside the house cos he kept going on and on at me and I snapped at him and he said if u don’t shut the f**k up now I’m going to slap you watch in going to smack you straight up your face. Can’t cope with this anymore I can’t

    • #42903
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Oh RainbowCloud sending you hugs. My recent abusive boyfriend was not the kids father and when social services became aware of the abuse I was given a stark choice- take steps to safeguard your kids or we will involve child protection and they will be removed from your care. In a way I was glad they became involved as it snapped me out of the trance I was in and made me see sense. You do not have to live like this and it sounds like it must be frightening and upsetting for your son. You both deserve a peaceful life without walking on egg shells. Someone doesn’t have to beat you up to totally destroy your life. Emotional and psychological abuse are devastating for women and children.
      I went “no contact” and after a while it gets much easier. I feel bad for what I put my kids through but we are all much happier now he has gone from our lives. If you have no kids together it’s much easier to detach. Sending you much love. Xx

    • #42977
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      He’s very mean to me like even today I tried to tell him about my day and he cuts me off mid sentence and everything goes back to him my life doesn’t matter.
      I’m very unhappy now in this situation I’ve even been trying to think of the good times versus the bad times but the gaps get longer for good times now. I’m so unhappy and he does this thing aswell now like a new thing where he says he’s in pain and lies on the floor I don’t know what the hell that is about I hate him

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