This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  EbonyRaven 2 weeks ago.

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  • #80441
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    We have been given notice to leave our rented property by x date. I don’t want to move with him to another property but I am terrified of telling him that! I have been thinking of leaving him anyway but the thought of it scares me to death. He either has no idea of how I feel or doesn’t care and thinks everything is ok.

    I think the reason we have been given notice is that we did not respond to the agent whether we wanted another fixed term contract or to remain on monthly renewal. He is not secure in his job (according to him, long story) and that’s what he’ll tell everyone).

    I have been trying to get hold of my local DA service without success. I will continue to try because I need to talk to someone about this. I have no idea how to approach it with him, no idea how he will react or what the next steps are!?

    Arghhhhh

  • #80457
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hi H, sounds like this could be your way out, that you just need to figure out the best way to get to the otherside then. I think this has presented you with a vital question hasn’t it, do ‘I want’ to sign another contract together, move in together again? And your answer is no hey. So now what. How do I handle this. You dont know do you, so the answer it to find how do I do this.

    So your first concern, how will he react? Has he ever been violent? What does history show you?

    Typically, these men dont often handle feeling rejected very well. I have thought in the past that things might possibly have been a bit easier for me had he ended it. But I also came to recognise that would never be him, he had a good thing with me taking care of him, a free ride.

    So this is for you and WA’s to discuss; call the helpline, Victim support might be another option; keep trying the local charity as well. Samaritians could also help, because what you need sometimes is just for someone to listen, so you can work out what it is you need to do, having someone do this without saying you should do this or that is very helpful, because ultimately only you can workout what is best for you, you have all the past info, so now you just need a bit of new info so you can make your decisions.

    Guess it would be helpful to work out where will you go? Because once you have this in mind, the steps towards that will become clearer.

    I get that you are fearful of telling him and how he will react, it maybe that you never do, your saftey has to come first above telling him. This about you now. This could be the new beginning you need hey x

  • #80903
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    Hi again,

    I’ve finally managed to get thru to the local service and spoken to a lovely lady. Follow up telephone appointment this week.

    However, it’s all gone t*ts up. One of my children asked if they could move in with me for a short time as they are going to be homeless next month. I don’t have a problem with this but I asked him about it. Initially he was fine but then of course the conversation came round to what are we going to do. He directly asked if we were going to look for somewhere else to live. I told him that I love him but I can’t live with him. He took himself off in his car for a while. Then started the guilt tripping – I might as well be dead, you’ve killed me, I might as well just hand my notice in, I love you, we can make this work. Moving between angry voice and “loving” voice. I have told him outright that it’s over but he still keeps on. I did go to bed with him last night, trying to keep the peace. He cuddled up to me, he even got on top of me at one point but then apologised as he “didn’t realise that could be intimidating”. He has made an effort and there are less angry outbursts but the control is still there. Even last night he said he was “old fashioned” and did not believe that couples should ever do anything apart! My grand parents were old fashioned and had separate interests!!

    He’s gone to a work meeting this morning about his DBS and the caution on it, that’s what he’s been told anyway. He’s said he might as well hand his notice in while he’s there. I suggested that he could get somewhere to live closer to his work patch (he often travels 1-1.5 hours to get to a call) but he won’t consider it.

    Why do I feel so s**t 😥😥

  • #80904
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s making you feel guilt. That’s what abusers do. Remember the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. He is not your responsibility. He will drag you down and keep you down. Make plans without him. He doesn’t have to know what your plans are. Do you have enough for a deposit on a house on your own. The council have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse so please report the abuse to your GP and get all the help you can from women’s aid. If it wasn’t for his abusive behaviour you would have walked away long ago x

  • #80913
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    He’s playing the poor me card, he’s heard you say you love him so he’s trying to work on you, thinks you could be swayed. Yes it’s nice to be with someone you want to do things with, but we need to be someone who respects that we like doing other things and seeing other people as well if that is what we choose. It’s not about not doing things together all the time, it’s because you feel you must, which kills it, because there’s an issue if you don’t want to – this is control hey – he wants you to do what he wants you to do. If he wasn’t controlling you’d be free to spend time with him and others – no problem.

    Well done for being honest; but yes, be mindful he’ll get desperate and pull out as many tactics as he knows x

  • #81497
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    He ended up being off work for a few days last week as “he couldn’t cope” and had an “emotional breakdown”. He’s now promising me the earth and that he will change. Apparently he’s now seen how things that he’s done have hurt me and they’ve not been right, etc. He’s said he wants to change, that he will change if I give him a chance. He still refuses to talk to anyone. He refuses to take medication for depression and has looked at websites for natural depression remedies and anger management. I have acknowledged that his anger has been getting less but he’s still as miserable as sin which makes talking to him very, very difficult.

    I’ve spoken with my local DA and I am waiting for an outreach worker to contact me which could take a couple of weeks. They have classified me as high medium risk. I have sent my social housing application in and waiting for that to be approved.

    I am in limbo and still have to worry about my daughter as well!! The council could house her but it could be 40 miles from home town which is no good for her job or her child who is in their last month or so of primary school.

    Arghhhhh

  • #81527
     RXRX 
    Participant

    Do not believe him, they all must have the same book as what you’ve said is exactly what mine says. Please for the love of god, do not believe him. They use this as way to get back in, they do not mean it. I had mine crying today, saying the exact same things. I hope you find the strength from within to resist. You can do this, although I can imagine it’s a living nightmare at the moment Xx

  • #85418
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    So still haven’t got anywhere to live. Have to be out of the house in less than 2 weeks. We did have a house set up but he has a (detail removed by moderator) which the landlady found out about and pulled out of the rental just a couple of days ago. Nothing signed so she can. That leaves us up s**t creek without a paddle. Times with him have been good and rubbish. Since he was told he had failed credit referencing and the house had been canned, he’s been as miserable as sin. Suddenly has developed aches and pains, which he develops when he’s miserable or in a mood. And I’m supposed to run about after him “showing concern”. I’m all out of concern. I am probably less sympathetic because of the job I do. When he feels “poorly” he starts talking quietly then complains when I can’t hear him, he sat in a lay-by for 2 hours earlier because he apparently couldn’t move then sat in our garage for 2 hours cos he couldn’t walk up the stairs. I was expected to sit with him. He didn’t say it directly but he uses words like “I suppose I’ll sit here in my own in the dark then” and do you think I like sitting here on my own”.

    Anyway, I’m digressing but it’s good to get it off my chest a bit.

    The upshot is that we have nowhere to live very soon and he is showing no interest in finding anywhere else. I haven’t been allocated a support worker yet and I cannot just up and leave. Some of our stuff is in storage and some of it is in the house still. We’ve got to pack up the house yet!!

  • #85484
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Can you get the council or WA to give you emergency accommodation and tell him it’s for women or singles only? You can make the break then.

    It will not be your fault if he refuses to look for something for himself.

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