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    • #108595
      Buddy
      Participant

      Today I tried to talk to him .. bad move ..
      I said if you feel I am lazy etc and don’t think I am doing what I should be why are you with me .. he got frustrated and said cause where can I go .. I am not leaving until the children are older , so I replied do you want to leave me eventually then .. he said don’t you put words in my mouth very angrily .
      I said there is an atmosphere in house as we are not speaking and the children are picking up on it .. he said don’t f****** speak to me anymore !!
      He went to work .. he is home and drinking loads , slamming doors etc .. feeling anxious and regretting trying to talk .. expecting an adult marital mature conversation was never going to happen right ?
      When will I ever learn

    • #108598
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      What you have learned is that trying is now fruitless. That’s one more bit of evidence you have that this relationship cannot be saved and that both of you are unhappy; one of you is abusive!

      Have you found your red line yet? Has it stopped moving away from you?

    • #108600
      Buddy
      Participant

      I know he said I will leave when children are older , maybe I am in denial but I don’t believe him , I think it’s part of the manipulation/ control ..
      I think I found my red line 😬
      I don’t like the way he is making me feel nervous this eve tbh .. he has been drinking heavy Lately .. he is behaving not throwing anything but it’s just that horrible feeling inside

    • #108601
      Eggshells
      Participant

      No, I don’t believe he’ll leave either.

      He has a home, a wife and kids to control etc. etc. What incentive could he possibly have to leave?

      Were you stupid or were you just hopeful? As long as you are still hopeful that he will behave in a reasonable way, you will find it very difficult to leave.

      I think we test the boundaries every now and then to see if anything has changed for the better – if he has taken a step towards what we hope they will be. That is natural. Now you’ve tested, what did you find?

    • #108603
      Buddy
      Participant

      Tbh I wasn’t hopeful , as been here many times .. not sure what my incentive was really .. So the reason they don’t want to talk tidy is because they loose power and control right?
      I found that I am banging my head against a brick wall and he defo has no care for my feeling , if he loved me he would say come on let’s hug it out and move on , he hasn’t once asked me what I want or if I am ok 😬
      I recognise a talk will never happen and I will just have to secretly leave by the looks of it

    • #108613
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Oh Buddy. I have such mixed feelings for you as I suspect you have mixed feelings yourself right now. Are you able to sort through those feelings?

    • #108615
      iliketea
      Participant

      Had exactly the same conversation @buddy!! Word for word, including the end! You’re right, 2 adults in a relationship should be able to have that conversation.

    • #108618
      Tickleribber
      Participant

      Been there too. You’re not stupid at all, I think we need to feel we’ve tried everything, eventually the realisation sets in that you’ve thrown everything you can into the relationship, there’s nothing more you can do, and it’s not working. That’s the red line?
      Actually I seriously question these days if I’m in a relationship, as my husband just takes the things he likes from it that suit him, and ignores the rest. So no real participation, I’m just being used!

    • #108623
      Buddy
      Participant

      Eggshells , yes , still mixed feelings believe it or not !
      I am barely eating and have lost a load of weight , not sleeping well etc ..
      What is everyone’s theory on this ? Do they not want to sit and talk tidy as they want to be in control/ boss all the time ?
      I am still learning

    • #108632
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi Buddy!
      Nice to meet you , I’m new here.
      My Husband is the same i can’t sit and have a normal adult conversation with him. Before we got married it was ok but looking back I was still living with my Mother he was in his own flat which I visited, when we married we moved in together to a home that needs lots of work when we signed for it he promised it would be the loveliest house we would do this and that etc I was so happy & excited but since moving in he hasn’t made any effort, prioritises his hobbies over the home or me, and even if ask something as simple as “what’s happening with the new (detail removed by moderator)? Are we putting it on this weekend?” I’m met with a horrible face his mood instantly changes and he says something like “YES!!!!!You can see I’ve been busy at work , I’ve got everything under control” there’s no teamwork, no discussion its his way or the highway. Another example our bathroom is terrible (detail removed by moderator) which is fine but i would like to do up our home we have the money, when i ask him something I have to sort of build up tyr courage to ask? This sounds so insane! And when I ask nicely “what do you think about doing up the bathroom gettimg someone in?” He replied again sternly with a nasty face “NO!! (detail removed by moderator)” later I question myself am I being demanding? Should I be grateful for what I have already?,am I being spoiled? But then I think no we bought this home to do up and i want a nice home. I know this is different example to yours but the same with not being able to have a conversation.

      The other day when we argued I said if your so unhappy why don’t you just go? He replied “why should I go? Its my home!” Othertimes in arguments he then threatens to leave or go and rent a place. When i tried having a normal conversation about the fact I wasn’t happy it was as if he wasn’t listening or taking it in, carried on as if everything was normal being overly nice the next day. I’m confused im in Limbo. But I’m getting myself to a stronger position thanks to this forum and reading lots of books xx

    • #108639
      Buddy
      Participant

      Hi Beautifulday ,
      It does seem that it’s their way or the highway doesn’t it ..I have in the past thought men just don’t like talking , but I am passed this now !
      Yes , my husband said I have nowhere to go also and he won’t leave , I feel I need space to sort my head out , not sure if you feel this way ? Financially impossible for me atm .. and to be in such close proximity in lockdown is tough when there is tension ..
      Do you feel he is dominating you ? I feel he can be overpowering and turns everything into me when trying to talk.. I suggested counselling but he firstly refused and when questioned about why , he said he is busy , maybe in a couple of weeks but I think he is just putting me off , as he knows if we went it would come out about his throwing etc .. so no leg to stand on .
      He told me today , he feels I am not thoughtful , when he is busy , painting etc, I haven’t made him a cup of tea , or glass of squash , sounds silly but now I am thinking he has a point , he is resentful of me ..
      I am not sure if my lack of respect for him is causing me to be less thoughtful , I am considering seeing a counsellor on my own to sort my head out xx

    • #108646
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Oh Buddy, you got me with this one. They’re just hideous creatures aren’t they?
      Twisting, slippery creatures.
      I feel for you.
      Well done for getting on here to sound it out and get some support.
      We’re with you 110% on your journey with this-always. We got your back.
      Take care

      Soulsearcher

    • #108647
      Buddy
      Participant

      Thanks soulsearcher xx

    • #108651
      Buddy
      Participant

      So do u guys think the fact I don’t make him a drink when he is working hard a way of turning everything on me ?
      As I am guilty of not being thoughtful sometimes 😬

    • #108656
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      I am in completely the same predicament as you! We live together, and I feel he is very dominating. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that it was Lockdown that opened my eyes, wheras before we were both out of the house now that we’ve been together a lot in the house I’ve really seen him for what he is. Like yourself I constantly question if its me, maybe if I had done this or done that he wouldn’t have done that or said that
      Only since reading and getting guidance from this forum have I began to realise its not me, and I’m not alone. Some days my Husband can be loving, tell me I’m beautiful , do the shopping etc but other days he can be awful. Its very very covert emotional abuse Ive realised. He never stops me going out or tells me what to wear etc on the behinning of our relationship he was jealous after marriage this stopped obviously because he knew he “had me” .. the week before last there was an argue because he had gaslighted me, when I said nicely can you please not gaslight me he said “you know what f you! F you! ” got up kicked my favourire little (detail removed by moderator) upwards towards me it had a glass of (detail removed by moderator) on it which flew past my head soakimg me, he stormed past shouting that I was crazy, starting all the time and threatened to “smash up the whole house” if I kept on. I sat in shock, stunned there hadn’t been a physical incident for many years but then that. In a way I’m glad as it has cemented my realisation that its not normal. I now find myself asking does a person who loves someone kick a (detail removed by moderator) in to them with a glass on?” No no they don’t its not normal.

      Its normal to question yourself its what we do when we have been abused its part of their brainwashing and cycle of abuse. We question ourselves. Its not us its them!

    • #108659
      Buddy
      Participant

      Beautifulday, this sounds exactly like my life .. carbon copy , I actually thought I was obsessing over things cause board in lockdown but it’s not that is it .. it’s because it can’t be hidden as we are not in work ..
      I keep thinking he can’t be controlling he let me go on holiday with the girls last year etc.
      I have had my (detail removed by moderator) table tipped upside down and lamp smashed amongst other things over the years also ..
      I am still feeling a bit like things are my fault .. waiting for this headspace to pass 😬
      Thank you for messaging this lovely xx

    • #108661
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Not sure you want to hear my opinion on this one because you know me, I will be blunt. LOL! Poor baby, can’t get up and get whatever himself? Need you to attend him in the bathroom as well? And “when” does he do such thoughtful things for you? You don’t need to answer that one…. Of course it’s a manipulation tactic here. He’s a little bratty bully! Boo hoo. Grow up and be a man for god’s sake. Or not.

      He’s so trained you to be the dog he kicks, to be in the “servant” position that of course you start looking at your navel and the floor and wondering what oh what did I do now, my master isn’t pleased…. Forget that nonsense! We’re not in the dark ages here. Men don’t own slaves anymore, unless of course we allow it. You’re a human being, a woman with rights and this is nonsense from him.

      But you’ve got to get your head around this because it’s staring you right in the face. This “entitled” wee little man. Vomit. If I were you, I’d get a clear path going in your brain that says – Unacceptable, won’t put up with it and I will find a way out.” Why? Life is short. You’re worth more than this crazymaking. And it is crazymaking. All of it.

      He is obviously just fine having you to pick on, make feel horrible all the time and to live his little life in this world he’s created and make you the bad guy about everything. I’d turn the table right around on him if I were you. I wouldn’t try to talk to him at all. I’d just make my plans. At some point enough has to be enough. He is clearly not a partner here. He’s an abuser and he will never change. This is who he is.

    • #108674
      Eggshells
      Participant

      @Buddy I’m afraid I’m of the same opinion as Braelyn. He should know by now how to make himself a drink! And if he is genuinely too busy and he thinks you may have time to help him get the drink he desires. he could just ask.

      My ex was the same. He wanted me to anticipate his every need so that I would run around after him and make him feel mothered. Sadly, I wasn’t quite the psychic he hoped I was. This forced me into constantly asking would you like this, would you like that? I was being a very good little 1950’s wife. He’d soon let me know if I wasn’t.

    • #108685
      Wiseafter
      Participant

      Guys, these men will never change because they stopped maturing at 3 years old. They won’t change because they don’t want to. You can’t have a conversation about anything because they thrive on chaos and causing you pain by twisting you upside your head. I put up with it for years and years and years, until I woke up and realised it wasn’t normal. It was abuse. Your stories are just like mine. I used to say to him “If you are so unhappy why don’t you leave?” and he would yell back “I will leave when I am good and ready and not when you tell me to!” or I would say “If I am such a bad person, why are you still here?” “Don’t worry I’m going..” Trying to ‘talk’ descends into crazy making, gas lighting, lying and denial, anger, rage and finally silent treatment and leaves you spinning and miserable. It just isn’t worth it. I’m in pain now I’m out. Its hard, its sad, it fills me with dread sometimes and so much more but I wouldn’t go back now I’ve been on this forum and read all these beautiful, powerful women’s stories. I have to stand up for myself and show my sons that there is life beyond. Toddlers scream and thrash about because they don’t know any different but these are fully grown adults, ladies! and you know what else? They are capable of holding down a conversation with their colleagues, friends and complete strangers! They know what they are doing! Abuse is a choice they make, not a mistake you can forgive.

    • #108696
      Buddy
      Participant

      Thank you ladies, I am not sure what is wrong with me at the moment .. need constant reassurance and tbh I am really struggling ..
      how and when do you get the strength to pull yourself out of the sog .. it feels like I am never going to be able to do it and it’s dragging me down !!
      I wish I had somewhere to go for some head space xx

    • #108745
      Buddy
      Participant

      Just to let you know ..I think the cycle has started again .. I can now see why I have stayed all these years , gone from ignoring , angry .. to me coming in to fire on , food delivered , bath run etc .. this is part of the cycle right ?
      If so I have so seen it and through it xx

    • #109555
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Buddy

      Why would anyone think you’re stupid for trying to engage as an adult with this sorry excuse of a partner? Pat yourself on the back for having a go, then tick it off the list of things you’ve tried. You must be running out of options by now? Consider counselling by all means but please make sure of two things. One, that it’s with someone fully trained in dealing with victims of abuse. And two, that you don’t go with the intention of ‘fixing’ yourself or the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you and you’ve surely done enough ‘fixing’ yourself and got nowhere.

      We are ALL on your side. Keep posting x

    • #109558
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi Buddy
      Hope your ok? Like yourself I’m finding it hard to have an adult conversation with him, if I ask something even if its in a nice calm way, if he sees it as ‘nagging’ or something im moaning about ir something he doesn’t like, he face instantly says it all and he gets all defensive . More often than not its “I’ve just got in from work can you not start?” Or “im tired I have to get up early tommorow can you not talk about this now?” Or some other excuse so on the end I give up talking. I nkw realise this is not healthy as a healthy marriage is one where you discuss things together, want to work through problems and any man that cared for you wouldn’t want to see you upset, or bothered by something. They would want to talk, to discuss things.

      As I’ve said on another post my Husband is being overly nice since (removed by moderator) and I know its because he has sensed a change in me, they get worried by that so resort to being all nice. I don’t fall for it though.
      I received an email with details of the freedom course today it starts beginning of August i wish it was sooner but another step! Im thinking of all these little things as steps, you should too lovely.
      Googling and calling solicitors to ask about their rates and services i did that last week & although I haven’t sought advice yet I now have them all written down with numbers there was one particular female solicitor I instantly liked, she was prompt replied to me straight away and was very helpful so I now know once my line is crossed the next time I have her number ready to call.

      All these little things im thinking of steps, small steps but nonetheless steps in the right direction:) xx

    • #109561
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Beautifulday

      It’s good to hear you’re feeling positive about the steps you’re taking. I’m very fortunate that I wasn’t married to my abuser so it was easier to cut ties. However, I’ve read advice from other posters, that it’s really (really!) important to get a solicitor on board who is experienced in handling cases where there is abuse. Before you sign up with the one you like, take some time to grill her on the kinds of cases she has handled. I’d be inclined to get her to sell herself. You need to trust your solicitor because abusers ALWAYS play dirty. I don’t know, is there a list somewhere you can check out her experience? Sorry if I’ve thrown a spanner in the works! x

    • #109610
      Buddy
      Participant

      How are things with you beautiful day ?
      Today I am exhausted , tired of reading , and just thinking about things all the time !
      My friend invited me around to hers last night and told me not to listen to much to the advice on here , as it will be biased 😳
      Obviously I don’t feel this as it’s all the same tactics for everyone !
      She is a single mother and keeps telling me how hard it is on your own with two children and how many luxuries I would have to give up.
      Funny how people look at things isn’t it x

    • #109622
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      @camel
      I really wish I had never gor married in hindsight. Yes your right! I was thinkng the same thing, to be honest when I go and seek legal advice i just want it done and dusted ASAP. If I can buy him out and he’s happy with that that’s what I’ll do. I will ask any solicitor on their experience before signing up 🙂


      @buddy
      sorry to hear your feeling exhausted lovely, it really does make you feel exhausted. With regards to friends who only mean well but say things you don’t agree with, don’t listen to them only you know what’s best for you and when your gut is saying something is wrong it is. Friends and family don’t have to live with the abuser 24/7 so they don’t know what its like also we don’t tend to tell them everything so usually they don’t know every little thing they have done. About giving up luxuries? I honestly wouldn’t care you could have the biggest most expensive house In the world with anything you ever wanted but if your not happy what is the point? Your happiness comes first. Id rather have nothing and struggle and be happy alone than having luxuries and being deeply sad .

      Just keep strong lovely, and focus on you focus on today try not to think too far ahead thats my biggest mistake. Take small steps and everything seems to fall into place, no way is this forum biased all women here are here for a reason we are victims and survivors and seek each others help and support. If someone has never been in an abusive relationship they would never understand.

      Xx

    • #109624
      Buddy
      Participant

      I completley agree .. I have a lovely home , I work but don’t need too .. it’s only material things .. and yes , the best people to give advice are the people who have been through it or going through it ..
      Thank u , lots of luv x

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