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Just that really. Is it common for an abuser to say that the person abused has a personality disorder? I thought I was just a normal person (maybe with some codependency issues that I’m working on), but now I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s right and I do have maybe borderline personality disorder. I’m obviously very messed up, I want people to like me, I don’t like being abandoned, I have lost my tempter in frustration…Maybe it is me…
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It isn’t you, it is definitely him. You may have a personality disorder but you may not. Being in an abusive relationship can mess you up but it is not your fault, he caused it. My ex would say all sorts of things to me like that to justify what he did. He would tell me I was enjoying it or that if I had just done as I was told then he wouldn’t have to hit me or (detail removed by moderatotor). Don’t let him play these mind games. Until you are diagnosed by a qualified psychiatrist then don’t let him make you believe you are insane.
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My ex accused me of having several personality disorders and mental illnesses and even told people I was on psychiatric medications. None of those things were true, but even if they were true it still was no excuse for him to emotionally and physically abuse me. Abusers will come up with any excuse for their behavior. They can’t admit that they are the ones with the problem so instead they rationalize in their minds that we are the problem.
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Very common because it does exactly this – makes you question yourself, question your reactions, makes you act differently or more conscious of not upsetting him, and deflects from whatever you were upset with him about in the first place. Then scarily moves into him making all the decisions because you can’t be trusted to!
Keep a journal of what caused your upset, how you and he reacted and you’ll probably start to see patterns.
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Oh yes, that old chestnut. I’ve been told I’m mentally ill, that I could be sectioned, that medication nor therapy can help me blah blah blah. Have you had any counselling yourself? I’m trying to work on issues myself too (whilst still in the relationship) but for me, therapy definitely helps validate my feelings/experiences (as well as the forum). Their chaotic behaviour exhausts and confuses us. You are not the problem x
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Don’t confuse some of your normal needs and wants for a personality disorder. Yes, all of the things upu have mentioned can be associated with personality disorders. They can also be perfectly normal. Most of us want to be liked. We’re social animals and we do better when we are part of a social group. This can only happen if somebody likes us. This need is greater when we are in abusive relationships that make us feel insecure.
All of us get frustrated and many of us loose our temper. This is especially likely when we’re permanently wound up like coiled springs because we never know what’s coming next.
What is at the root of your fear of being abandoned? It’s very emotive language. It’s normal to feel fear at the thought of being alone and coping alone when you’re used to having someone else controlling every move you make.
If you think that you may genuinely have a personality disorder then talk to your GP but please remember it is very common for abusers to try and make you believe that you are the one with the problem.
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This is exactly what I am told every time we have an argument. The other day he was filming our conversation to have proof that I am crazy, violent and abusive. I also worry that he is right. But as someone else mentioned, even if you did have a mental illness, it doesn’t give him the right to abuse you. I know it is hard, but try not to let him get to you because this is exactly what he wants.
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Hi Soconfused2,
I hope you are feeling better in yourself today?
Sadly this is a common tactic amongst abusers, they can make us feel as if we are losing our minds by using tactics such as gaslighting and general crazy making.
I know that I have mental health issues as a result of the abuse that I have been on the receiving end of, but unless he is a licensed health professional he would have no idea if you have a personality disorder.
It is soooo easy for us to get swept up in believing things that these people say to us, but stay strong, take everything that he says with a pinch of salt and listen to your gut.
Please keep posting so that we can support you,
Scarecrow x
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Thank you all for the support. I’m feeling a bit better today. I feel like (with your support) I’ve managed to pull myself out of the hole where I think I’m awful, it’s all my fault etc, which is what these sorts of things makeme think. Hopefully I’m getting stronger. The divorce is finally progressing so hopefully things will get better.
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Thank you @Auriel, your reply means a lot to me. I’ve been feeling so defeated lately. My situation is a bit complicated. I tried to leave a few months ago, but since we are currently living (removed by moderator), he insists that we move to the UK (neither of us is British but we have a settled status) if I want to separate to be on neutral territory. I am feeling too weak to move but also too weak to fight him on it (I feel very guilty because he is living (removed by moderator)). I am planning to contact Women’s Aid before the move to know what my rights are. I’m so scared of never being strong enough to leave him, especially in a country where I don’t have a support network.
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