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    • #116234
      Amethystrainbow
      Participant

      Having separated in (detail removed by moderator) of this year, I accepted my husband back into the home in (detail removed by moderator). Turns out that whilst we were apart he lied to me about not being with anyone else and it being a time for us to work on our stuff. I found out about this once he was back and then recently that he had been chatting a colleague up. Having had a course of counselling with the local DV service, I had put boundaries in place and felt more like my old confident self. Of course he ignored them. I am typing this having just been threatened as I lost it when he once again came to bed, (detail removed by moderator). Apparently I should have forgotten about all his infidelities by now. It is all my fault. I haven’t in the last (detail removed by moderator) changed. Yet he sat there saying how hurt he was because of what I have done. Which I have no idea what he means as he never tells me just says he has and then accuse me of not listening. It has got worse and (detail removed by moderator) he grabbed my (detail removed by moderator). He is refusing to go telling me he will go when he decides. He is tired of talking, he wants my behaviour to change. Im shocked, confused and so very angry. I dont know what to do next. Is it normal to feel like this. Like its my fault for trying to talk?

    • #116237
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s normal for an abuser to make you feel this way. It’s how they control you. Gaslighting you, verbal salad. Making us feel like it’s our fault because why would he be so cruel if it wasn’t? Crazy making behaviour. It’s not you. Abusers are liars and you have proof of that. Abuser are very often cheaters and you have proof of that. Abuse always gets worse. He’s lied his way back into your life again. Talk to women’s aid about having him removed using the police or a domestic abuse order through the courts. If it’s your home I’d change the locks next time he’s out and dump his stuff at a friends. Involve the police right away if he won’t leave. It’s going to be difficult to get him out. Abusers wear this mask or Mr Nice, hooking us back in, then their real nasty side will show up. So what if you haven’t changed in (detail removed by moderator), you don’t need to change, there’s nothing wrong with you. These arguments come from nothing, it’s all about the argument with abusers, leaving our head spinning and taking the spotlight off the behaviour of the abuser. So he’s got you thinking it’s you when it really isn’t. It’s him. Grabbing your (detail removed by moderator) is assault and he’s beginning to lose control. Ending a relationship is the most dangerous time for you and I’d report the incident where he grabbed you to the police. Log it with them because when you need to ring them you want them to be aware of his history. You can also used Claire’s Law and ask the police if he has been reported before for domestic abuse,

    • #116322
      Amethystrainbow
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. I thought I’d replied earlier but must have not press go! I understand that as we are married he has the right to abode so I can’t change the locks? The whole blame thing is awful and though I know it’s not me he is very good at twisting things. I also find unlike other posts etc Ive read there isn’t the sorry after the event speech. He never apologises. It’s like he truly thinks he does no wrong.

    • #116326
      KIP.
      Participant

      If you feel threatened by him then please ring the police. You could also talk to a solicitor about an occupation order or non molestation order to get him out and keep him out x my ex used to do the cycle of abuse for a long time but then it just became abuse. No apology just carry on like it never happened. That’s the way they like it. Never having to be accountable for their own behaviour.

    • #116333
      Amethystrainbow
      Participant

      Hi KIP thanks. I’m going to be honest in that I don’t feel physically threatened by him. He’s back to behaving as usual going to work (he’s on nights at the moment so we only see each other for a couple of hours), walking the dog, normal day to day stuff. I’ve an appointment to talk to a solicitor today so I will feedback after that.

    • #116344
      Amethystrainbow
      Participant

      Well that was helpful. As I dont feel threatened by him physically it’s highly unlikely it will be granted.

      • #116434
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Amethystrainbow,

        I am sorry to hear the outcome of the solicitor appointment was not as you hoped. Are you able to contact a different solicitor? You might find it helpful to contact the Rights of Women (https://rightsofwomen.org.uk) and DV Assist (https://www.dvassist.org.uk) to discuss your situation further.

        Best wishes,

        Lisa

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