Being caught off guard – the switch

[Sad and alone]

Finding this upsetting. How they switch so fast.

Was helping him with a job. All was fine, working together. Pleasant enough. Then he sees someone that we have problems with and he started criticising me again as he says (detail removed by moderator). Starts saying how a real wife would support her husband. How (detail removed by moderator) and that’s a real woman. I said one thing in response but then remembered not to say anything. Next minute he’s back to “normal” as if nothing happened, saying let’s do this or that and smiling at me. Whilst I’m upset but not showing it.

Driving out somewhere we saw (detail removed by moderator). Someone had told me they had been doing it (for a reason) and he said no it was (detail removed by moderator). Someone told me, but he says they were just joking. I don’t think they were. Then he started shouting about how I always have to say the opposite and fight against him and why can’t I just agree, and said I was a mongrel. Again I don’t say anything and just try and carry on as “normal”.

Every time this happens I feel I’m reinforcing his right to speak to me this way, but if I argue back it turns into a full in argument which could drag on for hours. I literally don’t have the energy to cope with these arguments any more.

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone I get the gist of what you’re saying, that you try to express your opinion and your truth and are shot down each time. He makes himself the victim and is offended by you not agreeing with him.

My ex would accuse me of being offended by his difference of opinion but it was more his bullish superior tone that irked me, and in actual fact it was your partner who initially disagreed with what YOU said, not the other way around, so you see how he’s managed to flip it onto you as being! He’s literally accused you of the thing he just DID and I’ll bet his know all tone made it feel even worse.

I started to pick my battles and ignore his obnoxious responses, but like you realised it only gave him more power, as it allowed him to state I ‘knew he was right’ because I was being quiet or sheepish. How I kept a lid on it instead of telling him no I’m just trying to avoid an unnecessary rant from you, when he said that to me I’ll never know. They bank on you losing energy and your fight.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

@Indeepindance that’s exactly it in the second case. It’s hard to explain without getting moderated. But someone had told me they had done something. He said it was someone else. I said the person had said they’d done it but he said they were just joking like they’d joked about something before, and kind of insinuated it was beyond my capabilities to differentiate between the truth and a joke. The two things are at opposite ends of a scale, so one obvs a joke but no reason to lie about the other. Then it goes into shouting and saying why don’t I listen, which as you say really could be the same for him. Why does he not accept anything I say?! Why is it me having to agree with everything he says? Then despite being called a mongrel and insulted I have to just keep calm and carry on as it were. Even though he’s upset me. My feelings are unimportant.  The one person who’s meant to be on my side and just be effing nice to me at least is insulting me but never mind. If I don’t say anything or go quiet I get accused of sulking, like I’m a child who hasn’t got her way instead of acknowledging that he’s upset me.

The first case is a repetitive accusation of not being supportive or being there for him. It always stems from seeing third party individuals that we’ve had trouble with. He says I haven’t stood up to them in the past which is true. Prob as I am not great with conflict, deep down I’m fairly laidback, and of course I have zero confidence thanks to being put down for so long. But since I have been there and participated in conversations with these people but then it’s that I haven’t said the right thing, or I should’ve said xyz. I literally can’t win. He will always be dissatisfied with whatever I do. I have to hear about other women and how they do xyz for their husbands and they’re proper women. And then it’s back to normal and he’s acting like he hasn’t just been massively hurtful and what do I do? Just suck it up like I deserve it. And that’s the message I’m giving him, surely? That I deserve it?

[Sad and alone]

And again.
Spent a couple of hours helping him with something. Come back and he asked if I wanted a hot or cold drink. I said I wasn’t sure what I fancied so would just get my own and he mutters the word difficult under his breath. So I’m like sorry? And he says it’s not difficult. Why?? Why is there always a push? So I just sighed, as I do a lot these days, and then he copied me but being really dramatic. So fine all morning, then has to create something. I needed his help so couldn’t risk it evolving into anything bad. But who does that? Then as soon as we’re back he’s complaining about his aches and pains and hobbling around, yet was fine when we were doing what he wanted done. It’s all like a b****y pantomime all the time. He’ll complain I don’t care about him or look after him but guaranteed if I suggest he have a soak in a bath if he aches he’ll say he needs more than that to help him out and it’ll go into another dialogue about how he’s worked so hard and no one works as hard as him and that’s why his body struggles now and how I don’t appreciate him.

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone that first part seems like Triangulation, pitting you against another woman. How horrible for you. I’d be telling him to trot on and find someone ‘worthy’ of his perfect self. They do infuriate me with these disgusting hurtful behaviours.

In the second case imagine his reaction if you yelled at him everything he says to you, like why do you never listen etc, because it is HIM who is starting with all of that and can’t seem to handle you having any thoughts, feelings, opinions or decisions of your own even though they’re not a personal attack on him.

Calling you a mongrel is absolutely appalling. Under easier circumstances anyone would draw a line right there wouldn’t they and say speak to me like that again and I’m gone.

And how very childish of him to mimick you like that, there’s no answer you could’ve given to the drink question that would’ve felt safe or good an adult response is there. I really feel for you, and really hope a miracle occurs and you can find your way out, you must be suffocating and dying off inside.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

@Indeepindance I have said exactly that, go and find someone else who ticks all your boxes as it obvs isn’t me! I say why am I here if I’m such an awful person and then he’ll say he does love me (sometimes he’ll add “in a way”) and wants things to work but I just need to change. Today I’ve been indirectly compared to other women again, all stemming from a conversation about these third parties again, and I get so vexed with myself that I’ve relaxed enough to let it happen. It’s like I can’t get into my head not to let my guard down, then I do, and he’ll say something that p****s me off, and I feel annoyed about it all again. I haven’t done a certain activity this year that I would usually take part in. I cancelled one but then it would feel better and I’d think maybe I will do the next one and then something would be said that upset me again and I just had to laugh to myself that it was a good job I wasn’t carrying this activity on. I told him he ruins it for me as there’ll always be some sort of cross words, I’m not doing something right, or I’m “getting silly” over things. He makes out he ruins the whole day which isn’t true and he does help me but it’s those really critical and condescending moments that remain with me.

It is also massively frustrating that I feel like I can’t move forward anywhere. It’s so stupid. He has said if he could go back in time he wouldn’t have married me. And obvs I feel exactly the same. Yet here I am. He’s served me up a life I want but making it impossible for me to enjoy. But because I want the other things I have in my life I keep thinking I’ll make an effort to be who he wants, which is obvs a losing battle. He says he won’t leave our home. I have to start accepting the things I’m going to lose. I guess it is upsetting to lose things you love and you just have to deal with it.

[Indeepindance]

I literally felt your pain reading that. You made me realise how severely controlling my ex was as he did something similar to your partner- he’d tell me ‘we need to talk, I’ve got some concerns’ and my heart would drop.

He’d say he wasn’t sure about me so I would respond with ‘trust your instincts and tell me what you think we should do.’ I did not want to beg or stay somewhere I wasn’t wanted.

Now I realise I’d called his bluff without meaning to- he wasn’t expecting that from me, so he’d say, nah let’s try to make it work. But it always felt like I was the one with someone to prove, the one being tested.

He was so adamant he was a great judge of character and would happily cut off anyone who didn’t make the grade, so I was well confused by these interactions. Why keep me there if I was no good? He knew there was nothing wrong with me. He was just scared I’d find someone more deserving.

And the same answers your question. He is terrified of losing you but doesn’t see how he is enticing it. I’m shocked and saddened about him saying he wished he hadn’t married you. I can imagine that’s shattered to to pieces.

Are your assets jointly owned? Could you explore selling up and going your separate ways? It is sad to have to make sacrifices, but your health and happiness are more important.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

To be told they’d wished they’d never married you does hurt. Especially because I seriously think there’s nothing really wrong with me. I wish I’d never married him too but that’s because of what he’s turned into. I find myself looking at him sometimes and wondering where that person went. The one that cared about me, that I had fun with and faced adversities with. When did he get replaced by this bitter, resentful person who complains about everything and who I can’t do right by?

We took a day out from our place but even then there were cross words. Whilst we’re out he asks me have I got any ideas about how to make money, can I be creative. He said he’d thought of something which seemed a bit silly. So I said something that was on a par, as in you could do it but it wouldn’t earn much money. Straight away he said my idea was sh!t. It made me laugh really, how it doesn’t matter what I say there will be a reason it’s no good. So I said I thought it wasn’t any worse than his idea and he just started how I’m a negative b*****d and I don’t listen etc etc. Then declared that he guessed that was the day ruined. So what he’d done was turn on me, insult me, and then pretty much accuse me of ruining the day if I was upset as a result. And of course what happened was I just carried on. So he gets away with it again.

I am sure you’re right and that he would not like to lose having me here. He has no friends really and has had a bad time with his family and bereavements. His family are a bunch of a******s. I don’t think he has deserved the way he’s been treated by them and I think he has his own issues regarding regrets and things like that. I really do empathise with that despite everything else. He says I don’t do anything here but I don’t think he’d like to be alone. I think he has become very comfortable, especially over the last few years, treating me in a certain way, and he’s become accustomed to getting away with it. If I leave after or during an argument he panics as he’s trying to call and giving excuses as to why I should come home. He realises he’s lost control at that moment. It’s why he’ll threaten taking me to the train station but never follows it through or wheedles about wanting me to stay.

Our assets are all jointly owned. He often says it’s a financial mess as we have more than one large asset and how he was stupid for working to get us all of it. We’ve talked about splitting up but after a couple of these conversations it’s gone from a kind of agreeement and nothing happening to most recently him getting quite nasty about it. It makes me worry how I’d ever leave even if I got the strength up to do it.

[Sad and alone]

Something happened (detail removed by Moderator) and I heard him muttering to himself about me again. Completely untrue so confronted him and he tried changing the subject and getting irate. He knew he’d been caught out and was in the wrong. I say why are you saying it and he can’t give a good reason.

Later he starts saying how on (detail removed by Moderator) he wasn’t having a go at me and didn’t want an argument, just trying to help all the time. I couldn’t let it slide so said calling me names and putting me down isn’t “helping”. Kicked off from there. Criticises how I don’t do anything. No get up and go or interests. I said I have interest in things but don’t want to do them with him and he said I was evil and almost looked like he was going to cry. I said I can’t be happy doing things with him when he then turns on me later for no reason. I said I’m just trying to explain how I feel, how it makes me feel when I get called all these names and put down and criticised. But he’s not interested. He’s more concerned with saying how I should always agree with him no matter what.

[tiredofitall]

I couldn’t help but offer you some empathy here, it sounds like you are living the exact same life that I was.  And I know how hard that was, how miserable and frustrated I felt for so long.  Literally all of the things that he doesn’t like about you are the same things my ex said to me for years.  And you are saying all the things that I said and feeling exactly how I felt.  Its actually quite upsetting reading it as I’d forgotten (or most likely pushed out of my mind) a lot of those things.  You seem like someone who is switched on and self aware and I think you dont believe the things he says.  I know I didn’t – I knew that I was modifying my behaviour all the time to avoid an escalation of his mood.  He would even tell me that my anticipating his moods caused him to have them!  Like I manifested it!!  I stopped being the real me whenever we were together.  Home was not my sanctuary, it was a place I dreaded going if he was there.  I was financially stuck with him for a long time because our finances were shared and he was terrible with money and couldnt keep a job so I kept our heads above water and still he didn’t appreciate that.  He told me constantly that he hated where we lived, he disliked my family, he wished he never married me, that I was boring, that I had no interests, no sex drive, that I was interested in life or world events (therefore thick), yet in my ‘other’ life at work and with my friends and family, people found me funny, interesting, I was successful.  Yet when I was at home, I was told how rubbish I was and I deliberately made myself small.  But still he would start arguments over the smallest things – one time over (detail removed by Moderator).  That turned into a full day of ranting at me about how i didn’t think!  Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I’ve felt it.  The pain and the frustration of being silenced / silencing yourself for a quiet life.  And you do feel like you are compromising your sense of self but if you’ve lived with someone who can keep going and going, you just want some peace and if that means you keep quiet, then you just keep quiet for your own sake.

I did eventually manage to get myself into a position where I was supporting all of us financially and it made me realise that I was no longer stuck.  Combine that with wondering whether i could live like this for the rest of my life and I just decided one day I could take no more and that was the start of moving towards the best part of my life.  Being away from that negativity has honestly been life changing.  I am now the person I always was, free to make decisions without them being questioned or told they were wrong and I’ve got more confidence because of it.  Its liberating.  It wasn’t easy at all but I do not ever regret ending my marriage.

Stay strong and keep believing in yourself.

[Author]

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