1st April 2016 at 10:16 pm #12697
Nobody will help me. They say they will but it means nothing. The interdict means nothing. He can run me off the road, he can threaten and abuse and as long as I don’t have a constant companion to verify this he can do what he wants. I k ow I have to go back. I’m desperate about it but I have no home and I’m having to pay for our home he’s living in that the police bailed him to. I’m just going to have to submit to him and protect my children as much as I can. I have no options. He lies,,he says I’m crazy he’s evil to the core and unless I submit I think he will kill me one of these days.
1st April 2016 at 10:51 pm #12706KIP.Participant
You can submit all you like but he will just change the goal posts. Abuse only gets worse. If you return home, will he be breaching his bail by being near you. Does bail cover that?
1st April 2016 at 11:25 pm #12712
You don’t gave to go back. Can you give up the house? Where are you at the moment? If you go back he will hurt you again. You need to break the cycle.
1st April 2016 at 11:43 pm #12714
Get him out of the house. You have the capability to do this.
Remember who you were before he broke you.
You are still that person. You were assertive, accurate, sharp. Meditate over who you were.
You need to find your fighting spirit again.
Great injustice is being done to you.
You have many frontiers to fight. List them all on a piece of paper. Tackle them one by one.
Be vicious. You are a warrior queen.
Do not go back unless you are safe, which means he is out.
This war aims at destruction. If you do not destroy him, he will destroy you. This is how abusers fight. You want to be the victorious queen.
I wish you all the strength from the universe to see this through, ON YOUR TERMS.
2nd April 2016 at 9:09 am #12730
Yes, his bail covers that, but his bail also covers not approaching me through a third party. I went back to the house while I knew he wasn’t there, called 101 to tell them what I was doing they said if I had any problems to call them. His parents pulled up in the drive next to mine. His father was ringing the bell, bagging on the door, shouting at me through the letterbox. I phoned 999. They said they’d send someone out. I told them I had put all the keys in the locks so they couldn’t get in. He went out to his car, got something to force my key out of the lick and let himself in. He was shouting at me up the stairs telling me he knew the kind of woman I was, he was here to get his sons letter, (the non mol interdict) and he’d be coming back with his son. Then he left. The 999 call handler sent police out. They escorted me away from my home and to my mums. They said they said he had done nothing wrong as my partner had given him a key and it was my word against his what he said to me. He said I should have a witness with me everywhere I go. I asked him if he did that every time he took his kid to school or went into his house. He said there’s nothing they can do. The police promised me they would protect me if I reported his behaviour but they’ve protected him to carry on with it. X
2nd April 2016 at 10:05 am #12733
I had similar experiences. This third party rule is rubbish. The system fails us. We need to accept this while we go through this hell.
I accepted that the system is bs, patriarchy tries to destroy women. With this mindset I knew there was no help and I had find ways to help myself otherwise I would go under.
What can you do to get him out of the house and move back in with the children?
Do you have a WA support worker? What do social services say?
Ring Rights of Women and use their call back function as they are very busy. Involve your local MP. Sometimes we need to use dramatic words to get people’s attention.I would try everything to get this man out of the house. The housing need for your children and you has priority over his.
Have you started divorce proceedings yet?
2nd April 2016 at 11:27 am #12738
I have a solicitor. And a woman’s aid worker. The solicitor has applied and been granted a non mol order. There is a hearing (detail removed by moderator) to see if I can get him out of the house. We are not married. My three children are not his. As soon as I tried to talk to him about his behaviour and the effect it has on us he told me I was the bully, I terrified him and victimised his son who visits. He did this while he locked me in the house, banging his fists off the table, he would often grab me by the throat. My solicitor says its up to the mood of the sherif on the day but she will submit medical evidence, police records of reports I’ve made, evidence from the school about the effect it’s had on my son and evidence from Womans aid. I work full time and scrape by. But because of this I have to pay for all of this. I managed to have a little savings to help my kids when it came time for uni and now I’m having to use it to keep this monster away from us. It’s so desperately unfair. If I don’t get the order I have to carry on paying the mortgage for him to live there himself and I have to take my children to homeless accommodation x
2nd April 2016 at 12:07 pm #12742
Does he own the house with you? if it’s your house he has no right to be there. Keep on at the police to get him out you do not need to pay for a house for him to live in.
2nd April 2016 at 12:20 pm #12745
We own the house equally but all the bills come from my account and at the moment he chooses if and when he contributes, often leaving me in big overdrafts covering his share. He’s ordering extra sky channels on my account. Bt channels on my account all in my name, none of which I have access to. I’m paying the council tax on a house he is preventing me entry to. The police just keep saying its a civil matter. Unless I go back and get a witness to him being harmful then I can’t do anything x
2nd April 2016 at 12:24 pm #12746
My parents offered to pay his rent just to get him to leave. I’ve offered to pay his share of mortgage while the house is sold if he leaves. He was renting before we bought this house and got the mortgage due to my income as I earn more than him. He is self employed and I think he conceals a lot of his income. I’ve seen large bundles of cash in the house before. He never explains why they are there. He has refused all offers to help him move out. He just keeps saying I can go back to him any time I choose. X
2nd April 2016 at 12:27 pm #12747
Great that you have a solicitor and a WA worker! Your situation is totally unfair.
When we work there is even less support. Thanks to the hostile cuts by this government working women suffer even more because they only get legal support if they pay themselves. And working does not mean to be rich. Half of our pay and more goes on rent or mortgage alone.
Affording a solicitor under such conditions means to acquire thousands of pounds of debts. Stupid system, really.
Do not worry about your children’s uni deposit at the moment. They can get loans and when your situation is settled you can help them pay that off later. Most important is for them to get an education. The rest will fall into place.
I say that because I also go to the uni and I have debts for that and pay them off. It does not matter, because when we earn alright we can pay that off and move on.
Plan A: I really pray you can kick that abuser out of the house. The judge must see the injustice here. That would be a first step in the right direction.
Not being married makes everything easier. You do not need to fight for custody because the children are not his. The only battle left will be his share of the house.
Plan B: What would you do if the judge decides against you moving back? Could you just stop paying mortgage and leave things so that he gets in trouble living there? If you do not live there why should you pay? The bank would then sell the house and both of you get a share and he has to go somewhere else? Would this be possible? I am just thinking for the worst case scenario.
I had a situation with a joint tenancy and I refused to pay the rent because I did not live there. He thought he could live there rent free. But me not paying would have made him homeless. So eventually he cleared all arrears and paid and I was out of the contract. It is not the same as a mortgage, but could such a strategy be applied to a worst case scenario?
Stay strong! The hell will be over and you will have a nice life eventually. x*x
2nd April 2016 at 1:58 pm #12755SerenityParticipant
Are you entitled to legal aid due to the abuse?
If so, you may not have to pay anything back until your kids are grown and the house is sold.
Then, you can downsize and have spare money- to help your kids if needed. I worked a bit whilst at uni. Maybe you need to think of yourself here, too.
My ex also had bundles of cash and wouldn’t explain them. They are all so alike.
2nd April 2016 at 2:27 pm #12758
Escaped not free , I cannot beleive the injustice of what you are having to endure, the Police are an utter joke.
I cannot see why they would bale him to your address, its nonsence, yo should be in that home with your children and his Dad is being utterly abusive to you, it makes my blood boil.
Have you thought about a voice recorder when they start verbally abusing you.
If you stop paying the mortgage the house would be repossesed and sold but you would not get the best price for it, they just want to recover their losses.
There is NO justice in this country for Women who are abused.
Can you not cancel all of the bills in your name, cancel sky, don’t pay any bills at all.
Sending you a hug
2nd April 2016 at 3:58 pm #12759
What I would do is cancel all the bills in my name, and stop paying the mortgage. I guess that is easy for me to say though but no way would you catch me paying for a house I didn’t live in and let the man who abused me live there. This man is taking the you know what right out of you and the police are letting him. It’s a joke the way us ladies are treated sometimes. Take a stand though, cut off the money he will soon start to pay his own way or sod off.
2nd April 2016 at 4:16 pm #12760
Unfortunately I’ve been told by my solicitor due to cuts in legal aid it is very difficult to get support and would def delay matters. My children are bright, wonderful kids who work hard at school and their other activities and the living situation is affecting all of that. I just want to get the quickest safest route for them back home and that means paying. I’m just utterly disgusted with the police. They went and spoke to his dad and he did the victim routine they always do. I told the police I wanted to make a complaint against them, I wanted it recorded and I was told I couldn’t, that there was no criminality to his actions and he was just a concerned father. My ex has police that he knows and I’m sure this is working against me with some of them. I’m thinking of lodging an official complaint about this has been handled. I’m just so worn down by it all. I am living and breathing this situation while my ex is telling me how devastated he is and can’t understand why I’m having this “mental breakdown” as he puts it. Before I left he knew I was getting to the end of my tether so he already started telling people I was depressed and unstable and he was concerned for me. The most horrible part is I feel like I’m fighting a monster who I don’t know and I’m grieving the loss of the man I fell in love with, who made me believe he was something else, who tricked me when it was all a lie. It’s just so heartbreaking on so many levels and I can’t understand what I did to make him do this to me. Why me? Why take me and destroy me just because he could. And my children. X
2nd April 2016 at 4:29 pm #12762
Yes, you should complain. Also write a letter to Michael Gove and your local MP. Tell them what you have been through. It is not on that you are treated like that.
Abusers hide their true identity. He is a monster from hell and you should always see him as that, never feel sorry for him.
All of them try the mental illness diagnosis on their victims. Depression and paranoia are popular diagnosis that they give us. Strangely our doctors cannot confirm that.
You did nothing wrong. It is all him. He is a sick monster (detail removed by moderator) and as you say, he tricked you to be his victim.
2nd April 2016 at 5:23 pm #12775Confused123Participant
JUst read your seconf post and replied to first post, ok if kids not his i think u still have more rights to your house as u have kids under 18 i presume, the fact that u are paying for everything and comes out of your account is allin your favour, u need a solicitor to guide u accordingly , dont waste time get a solicitor
2nd April 2016 at 7:31 pm #12790
I contacted my Local DV Inspector and made a complaint at how I have been treated by Police, she said there was going to be re training, I also wrote to Theresa May as she had said there must be more support from police . Didn’t even get a response from her at all. These were both 18 months + ago and nothing has changed at all, the Police in my area do not have a clue about DV not a clue.
3rd April 2016 at 12:16 am #12804
Thank you to all of you for your support. It really does help to know there are people out there who actually genuinely understand. My friends mean well, telling me to be strong and report to police but the problem is that any behaviour most people find unacceptable the police condone. They actually refused to take a statement from me regarding his fathers forcing his way into my house and shouting abuse. The dv officer is on annual leave this week but on Monday morning I’m going to contact her and tell her how disgusted I am with their treatment. She promised me it would be taken seriously and even if there are not witnesses as there rarely are then it would be recorded and investigated thoroughly. They actually refused to take a statement. I was in my own home. He forced his way in to verbally abuse me, whilst I was on the phone to a 999 call handler. How on earth can this be acceptable? What is the point of the police. They just told me I had to leave my house. It’s so unfair. It just leaves me utterly despairing. Does anyone else have the police refuse to take on a complaint of this nature? X
3rd April 2016 at 3:03 pm #12842
When the ex abuser broke the bail conditions they did not care either. This system is a joke.
3rd April 2016 at 3:24 pm #12846
The Police in my experience are an utter waste of time. Make sure you speak to the DV Person but the trouble is they don’t attend you and its sods law who you get and they just do what they like.
I had some veg on the cooker and my husband threw it to the floor whilst I was standing there, he did not know how hot that water was, thank God is was not boiling but could have been.
I screamed out in fear and someone must have heard and called the Police when they got here, he had gone to his workshop and the Lady officer went down he wouldnt even open the door.
The male officer, got a towel mopped the floor looked in the oven and said oh well you still have chicken and potatoes. They left and that was it.
They are an utter waste of time, I was abused by a Lady officer and made a formal complaint she lied through her teeth and got away with it, I will never ever call them, Im terrified of them, they let abusers do as they like.
Mine played the victim and I was treated dreadfully by them as though I was the offender.
If you call your local station today get the collar numbers and names of the officers who attended your 999 call, then when you speak to the DV officer tommorow you can give her their names and collar numbers ans she should repremand them for how they treated you, they are a disgrace.
4th April 2016 at 1:39 am #12937
Godchild,that is disgusting. It’s as though they treat u like a hysterical housewife who’s priority should be sorting the dinner. It’s as if it bores them. Like they clearly think they are above having to intervene and miss the point that you are relying on them to save you as they are the only ones with the power to do so but they just choose not to. Why is such behaviour that they clearly wouldn’t accept themselves perfectly OK to do to someone you live with? The DV promises are a joke. I don’t believe a word they say from now on. I swear if he took a knife and stabbed me the police would find some way to make it ok for him to do so. It’s his house too after all. U didn’t get a witness. He says u did it urself. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous their lies get its alwYs the perpetrator that they side with. X
4th April 2016 at 8:31 am #12951
I have to say that the police who dealt with my 999 call were really helpful and respectful to me. They did everything the could for me that night. I’ve had bad experiences with officers too but they are not all bad. I get what you are saying about them acting like it bores them etc they are not all the same though. Keep on at the police because even if they aren’t the best – it still helps to build a case. It’s truly awful he’s been bailed to your address its like the courts have no b****y clue sometimes. I hope you are able to come to some resolution soon.
4th April 2016 at 8:53 am #12956KIP.Participant
Speak to the Sargeant or Inspector in charge of those officers. I took my complaint higher. Some are great. Some are ignorant lazy wastes of time. Complain higher up the chain x
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