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    • #163502
      NewAmsterdam
      Participant

      Hi,

      I have not stopped crying this evening.

      My ex and I have three kids together. I’ve been trying really hard to keep everything about child contact amicable. Today I had to call ex to discuss a concen about one of the kids. It ended with him shouting at me. I did eventually shout back. My youngest overheard everything and left a note (detail removed by moderator) saying sorry to his dad and basically said I’m not nice. He can’t remember what it was like living with his dad. And his dad has been doing all the fun stuff with him recently, whilst I had to battle school. I feel like I’m losing my baby 😪

    • #163515
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      So sorry you’ve had this. Remember you can’t co-parent with an abuser. I’ve tried to stay amicable but they just abuse it. The other tip is to not rely on them – if you need help with the kids, ask someone else because if he knows he can let you down or get to you to argue then he will. Sounds harsh but it’s true, they don’t care about their kids, they are just another supply and aid their image. They love to be a ‘Disney dad’, the fun one but that’s because you carry the full burden of everything else – because you’re not equal parents with an abuser.

      With multiple children you’ll find someone is made the favourite child and maybe that’s happening here? It’s to create a flying monkey/enabler for them. If you haven’t already, then speak to the school about counselling so he can work through all this. Look into parallel parenting and lovely, you’re the consistent parent in your son’s life. Hang in there xx

      • #163984
        NewAmsterdam
        Participant

        Thank you Bananaboat. It’s so hard being the consistent parent. I am so scared of losing my children after finally being free from my ex 😞

        I’m actually so exhausted right now. I feel like quitting. Christmas is around the corner and I’m feeling so low.
        I feel like my kids might just be better off with him and not me around 😢

      • #164014
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Oh lovely, that sounds like his voice is creeping into your thoughts there. Don’t let him or anyone make you think you can’t be an amazing mum! It is exhausting and we forget to look after ourselves, we’re also so used to living in survival mode we forget how to be anything other than stressed and overloaded. If you work, think about taking some time off sick even if it’s 1 duvet day. Do you have anyone to lean on – family or friends who could have the kids or even 1 kid for a sleepover? Failing all that, a tweak to your normal routine can work wonders, honestly. Walk a different route, take the kids to macdonalds instead of cooking or a wonder round the late night shops instead of steadfastly sticking to bedtime. You’ve got this, it’s just a blip in the road. x*x

        And if he calls, don’t answer. Take back your control of whether you answer the phone or reply to a text, he can wait x

      • #164017
        browneyedmum
        Participant

        Hello @NewAmsterdam !

        You’re not losing your baby if you maintain regular routines and what-not. That is stability your child will recognise. It is hard work, especially when feeling disenfranchised at seeing your child enthralled by what your abuser is doing while love-bombing… But besides the love-bomb to your child, that’s exactly what your abuser wants you to see. But your work will still stand strong. Also don’t give in to your abuser’s provocations– its hard to do.

        Also, I love what @Bananaboat said, “Take back your control of whether you answer the phone or reply to a text, he can wait.”

    • #163784
      StrongLife
      Participant

      I too have kids. Please be careful with child contact and make sure there is orders for you to have children via lawful means. I too have had the exact type of talks with ex that end up in abusive screaming

      • #163985
        NewAmsterdam
        Participant

        Thank you Stronglife. That is good advice. He goes from being vile to being extra nice and sounding reasonable in messages. Makes me question my sanity 😔

    • #164129
      StrongLife
      Participant

      Understand this.

      I attempted to co parent and got similar abuse until I stopped. Trying to keep the peace only caused more issues. I wanted what was best for the kids at the time.

      The situation for the kids and myself is not good now. Yes, they forget but in time – will realise

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