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That is wrong for sure.
You are fully entitled to your anger.
I was told countless times to stop being angry, to move on, …
At some point I began to tell those people off and I said that I had every right to be angry.
The anger will go away anyway after some time.
As long as you feel angry just be angry.
I went to the park and screamed frequently. -
The best advice I heard regarding anger, as someone who used to feel guilty about ever feeling angry:
Anger is a natural reaction. It’s what you do with it that’s important.
I think it’s actually very dangerous to not allow yourself to feel anger. It means that you are more likely to be taken advantage of: the wrong type of people know you will just keep on giving without limits and are too saint-like to ever get angry.
In terms of being abused, what your perpetrator did to you was horrendous. Abuse affects victims deeply. I actually think that when you start to feel anger at the perpetrator rather than self-blame, it’s an indication that you are healing. It means you have risen up, begun to excavate your true self again and are setting boundaries. Speaking out and expressing your feelings about the horrendous things that happened is healthy and natural.
It may also take a long time to work through the anger. No one has any right to tell you to hurry up and get over it. Abuse is such a horrible thing that it may take its toll on victims for many years.
People who haven’t experienced abuse haven’t got a clue, or their understanding is limited.
People- even essentially good people- often want to sweep the reality of abuse under the carpet. They don’t want to look at the ugly truth. They might think they are helping you to tell you to ‘get over it’- but in fact, all you would be doing is suppressing your feelings. Better out than in. Denial of your anger is a dangerous thing. You can end up harming yourself if you don’t feel you can express it openly and get validation from others.
Also, I often think of the quote ‘All that is needed for evil to continue to exist is for good men to do nothing.’ Yes, abuse is awful. Bit of needs facing. People need to encourage victims to be open and to express their experience. And people need to face abuse head on, not pretend it isn’t there or that it never happened.
I suppose what I have learned is to fully embrace that anger, but channel it in healthy and constructive ways that don’t mean you are self-abusing or hurting others.
For example, the best revenge and panacea for anger and rage against your abuser is to achieve all the things he would never allow you to achieve. Use that energy ( anger is a forceful energy) to move mountains.
I follow someone on Facebook who is very wise. He was abused as a child, and says that Boone should tell you that you need to forgive someone who neither deserves your forgiveness not admits their wrongdoing.
That doesn’t mean attacking the abuser back. It means speaking out about abuse, setting firm future boundaries, going no contact and moving the focus more onto you and your future development- getting your power back and treating the abuser like the nothing that he or she is.
Owning your anger is a positive thing. Many abuse victims were told, even as children, that they weren’t allowed to be angry. Stuff that. Just channel it in a positive way.
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I agree anger is good. Anger is a sign you’re healing and a help when he does decide to attempt a hoover. After anger they say comes indifference (which is the best ) which is we couldn’t care less about the abusers. But anger needs to be given its rightful place. And let it take as long as it needs as I know I suppressed my anger all my life while in the abusive relationship. My abusers wouldn’t allow my anger.
When I felt rage (while being abused) I had to pound the pavements and attack the grout in my shower and scream in my car while parked in the back of a supermarket.
Anger is great for getting a toned body and a clean house. There is great energy from anger.
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hey hun
at moment u need to process your anger and what happened, other people actually cant cope hearing what we went through so they just tell us to get over it, yes in time we will and in time the anger does reduce , i think we go through mix feelings of numbness, to anger, to tears , shock horror of what happened to relief and then we learn how to recover and move on , only after all these stages do we start to accept to release the anger to move on and forgive ourselves for letting them abuse us and put boundaries in place to protect ourselves
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Hello everyone,
Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. It’s such a relief to know that I’m not wrong in what I’m feeling. I have been bottling a lot of this up, and I don’t know if it is just coincidence but my eczema has flared up (it flared up last year due to stress), and I was puzzled and alarmed because I guess I have been denying how I’m feeling. Going to try channelling all this into a more creative outlet (perhaps my writing, as I have been writing more in my journal lately).
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My counsellor said it is very important and necessary to recognise our own anger and to label it ‘anger’. It is helpful to say the words ‘I am angry’ or to write it, as you have on here.
Not recognising or putting a word to the anger is to keep a lid on it – ie. suppressing it or pushing it down – a depression!
Hence, not expressing our anger (in a safe way of course) can lead to depression.
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Feeling angry is normal after leaving an abusive relationship. While you were with your abuser you probably had to supress your anger because it wasn’t safe to show it. Now your brain is telling you it’s safe, so up comes the anger. It’s a very normal reaction to what was a very abnormal situation. To feel anger is actually healthy too, because anger turned inward manifests as depression. It’s extremely common for abused women to feel depressed due to the abuse, and anger can help to lift the depression as it changes the chemistry in the brain.
Anger needn’t be destructive and can actually be an empowering and energising emotion, which, when channeled appropriately can be used constructively. I’ve read that sports people stir up angry feelings just before competing in competitive sports, because it helps to improve their performance. A healthy way of dealing with angry feelings is to engage in vigorous physical activity, which in turn improves both physical and mental wellbeing (says I as the classic couch potato lol).
I experienced overwhelming feelings of anger after ending my first abusive relationship, but my anger did dissipate with time. You have a right to your own feelings, so allow yourself to feel and even enjoy the sense of empowerment that anger brings you. Don’t listen to whoever is telling you to let go of your anger – stuffed anger isn’t healthy and only leads to depression. Your anger will ease when your brain decides it’s ready.
xx
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