Belittles me and my pregnancy

[pregnantnconfused]

being (detail removed by Moderator) weeks pregnant I am so scared and confused and I don’t know if I have experienced coercive control or we are just in a toxic relationship.

Im going to try and explain what has happened but be vague with specific details in case anyone I know reads this and think I have written it.

my partner and I have been in a relationship for quite a few years, and whilst going through a rocky patch, I found out I was pregnant. Whilst experiencing sickness and symptoms of pregnancy I explained my concerns with my partner and suggested there’s a possibility I may be pregnant, from which he called me a s**g and other names and said it isn’t possible and therefore I must have cheated on him (which I have not). During this time he was meeting up with other girls and we broke up following on from myself having a panic attack whilst being in his company as he was making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. He said I was pathetic and always crying, however I personally knew my behaviour was more than sadness and ever since this trigger, panic attacks have become more regular occurrence.

After becoming seriously ill whist pregnant in the early weeks (I was not aware I was pregnant at this point) I did not hear from him for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks despite his awareness of my ill health. On the road to recovery, he suggested we made things work but I was reluctant and he promised to care for me. I then found out I was pregnant and giving things ago was the only option for me.

Further down the line I found myslef a property I would like to rent in order to put a roof over my daughters head and did all the work myslef (whilst pregnant) while all my partner did was go to work which he was doing regardless. He would complain about having to get out of work to come for scans and that it was my fault that I didn’t tell him sooner even tho I reminded him for weeks of the dates. I would cry at most appointments as he would make me feel extremely stressed and unloved.

Once handed the keys to the property he would remind me how he didn’t even want this house, yet at the time made no productive effort to find us anywhere else therefore I had to do it myself. He burdens me and has distanced himself away from me to do drugs, while I lay home alone he goes out all night. Every night. Including sleeping on the sofa for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and ignoring me after an argument where I felt I needed to move back home with my parents as I was extremely uncomfortable in the new home.

After forgiving him I began maternity leave from my job; I cook clean and decorate the house in order to “nest” and make my home a loving environment for my unborn child. He continues to do nothing other than go to work and make me feel bad for it, then go out every night to do drugs then sleep on the sofa and repeat.

After making me feel lonely and uncomfortable in my home for weeks, things started to get worse as I decided to spend a lot more time at my mothers house, as I need the love and support while I am pregnant. My parent did not like this he tried to distance me from my family and makes me seeing them an issue. Previous to this My (detail removed by Moderator) helped decorate my home and once he had left my partner blew his top and irrationally called me many names such as a “selfish b***h” as well as calling my family awful names despite their help. His behaviour is bizarre and irrational and he try’s to make me feel like I am doing something wrong by speaking to my family.

He also argued with me because I picked my (detail removed by Moderator) up from school and claimed it shows where my priorities lie as I do not pick him up from work. (He has never asked me to either and claims he shouldn’t have to ask I should just do it). He is trying to distance me from my family and it’s driving me crazy as I know I am doing nothing wrong by picking my (detail removed by Moderator) up from school.

He brings his own mother into the equation and claims I stop him from seeing her, which I never have. But he blames me for his already occurring issues with her, but I know it isn’t my fault. I feel like he is trying to make me out to be an abuser, but I have consistently tried to be active and communicate with everyone to resolve any issues but he doesn’t want to.

He has now taken over my home which I got for my child as he calls me a “dosser” and tells me to “go and get a job and stop dossing at home all day while he pays for me”. May I remind you all that I am on maternity leave and the only thing he pays for is the rent. I pay for everything else including council tax so it works out quite fair. I just can’t believe he can hurt me so much while I am carrying his child, he complains that I lay in bed and nap while I am in my trimester of pregnancy and tells me to “stop thinking I’m a hero because I’m pregnant” and “what have I done”.

I walked into my rented property after not being able to park on my drive as his mother seems to think she has the right to take over my home. I walk in to find him rolling up drugs on my kitchen table with his mother sat there and his friend. I felt sick to my stomach, how can these people treat me like this while I am trying to do the best for my unborn child. I got very upset at this behaviour and he secretly videod me and is now using it as a form of blackmail.

He makes me scared and stressed and physically sick due a frequent panic attacks as a result of his behaviour towards me.

He has put up cctv cameras at my home and refuses me access to any of the footage.

I don’t know what to do or who to speak to, but I just need to know that what he is doing is wrong as he is making me feel like I am a bad person but I’m just trying to have a safe and healthy pregnancy and be prepared.

[Eyesopening]

Hi Pregnantnconfused, this is truly heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, especially whilst pregnant, this is defiantly abuse, it’s always easier to see from the outside. When your in it, there is so much confusion caused by the abuser. The isolation, the accusations, the monitoring, making you feel bad about yourself – him trying to lower your self esteem to make you more stuck, are all abusive tactics.
Please reach out to Womens Aid, they can point you to all the support you can get. It sounds like you have a loving family you could to speak to and get support from.
I have recently left my abusive relationship. You need people who love you to help you get out and to stay out.
Keep posting here too, this forum and educating myself on abuse is what gave me the knowledge and strength to leave.
x*x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

This is definitely abuse & a lot of what you described are also things that happened to me during one of my pregnancies. My ex was totally disinterested & would act like me being pregnant was no big deal. His abuse got worse. He spread lies that I had done things to harm our unborn child. He said horribly abusive things to me while I was pregnant & then secretly recorded my reaction & threatened to show it to people so they could see how unstable I am. I could just go on & on. Abuse often worsens during pregnancy & gets even worse after the child is born. I just want you to know that I’m here & that I understand. If you don’t already have some safety precautions in place, this would be a good time to start working with an advocate on a safety plan.

[Author]

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