Big mistake

[Sad sunflower]

I made a big mistake. I’ve been having these weird feelings since (detail removed by moderator) when I bravely decided to delete all his pictures from my drive as a way to give myself closure). This last (detail removed by moderator)  that I have stuck to no contact has been great. I took on new projects, I’m fixing my teeth (which I always have hated), been working out and everything seemed to finally be OK. Anyway, as I said, I have been having these weird feelings and this need to contact my ex (detail removed by moderator)  I couldn’t hold it anymore. I unblocked him and texted him. I thought he had blocked me too, but he hadn’t. I don’t know what in the world was I thinking. I told him I just wanted to know if he was OK, told him about my projects and that I just wanted to talk. His reply? The coldest most manipulative one you could ever imagine. He was so sarcastic. He said (detail removed by moderator). 

I feel miserable right now. I texted back saying (detail removed by moderator). God, I feel so humiliated right now. I knew I shouldn’t have texted him. What did I expect? That he magically changed in (detail removed by moderator) ?? I was sure that I didn’t love him anymore, but now I am confused. Has anyone gone through something similar?

I know I shouldn’t want him back. Deep inside I don’t. I can now see other men find me attractive and I hope I will eventually be able to find someone to share the rest of my life with. I thought I was OK, I thought I was over him and the abuse, now I am just so confused, just want to go home and cry.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Yes I went through this so I know how rock bottom you feel. No experience is wasted if you learn from it, so now you know that any contact with him is toxic for you. It’s like a drug addiction. You need to go cold turkey. There is not one ounce of care or empathy you will get from him because he simply doesn’t have it to give you. Hang in there and start again with no contact. It gets easier if you can just keep going. He will have got a huge thrill from treating you this way. He has taken back the power in his eyes and will be feeling empowered. They are emotional vampires. Not it’s important that you realise his goal in life is to make himself feel big by destroying you. Remember abusers only want to get close enough to us to slap us again. Maybe not physically but it still hurts. Back to zero contact and take baby steps. You don’t need his validation for anything. You’re a strong independent woman. Happy before you met him and will be happy again x

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @KIP . It just scares me how you can be perfectly fine one moment and then the next moment you feel this terrible urge to contact them. It’s terrifying. I am so scared that I will feel this impulse to text him again because I know all he will do is make me feel low.

[fridges]

Hello, sad sunflower.
Do not take it personally! At early stages of no contact, it is normal to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with you. He wanted that your self esteem, well being would be chattered, as you are growing without him. The less of him, the less he can control you and keep you in the cycle. He is angry and he hates you – only that he is understand, he is losing control and his influence + power.
When you have the urge like this – write reasons why you left him at first place and why it has to stop.
It did help me in the beginning a lot, when i went both times – no contact.
I’m sure you are doing well, and look how far you have progressed – (detail removed by moderator) , deleting pictures, give yourself a gift for this, as you deserve.
You are on the right path and in time you will have no wish of any contact. And the best thing – you have made this choice for you, not him.
We can miss someone, but it does not mean – we need to have this person back in our life, as it is just not worth it.
I spent (detail removed by moderator)  years in first relationship and then other (detail removed by moderator) years i knew my second abuser.
And i had many many times slipped like you. You just need to get back on the right path for you. If you failed one time, you do not give up, you go back and start over again.
x.

[fridges]

And the best thing – do not put in your beautiful head how he is doing, it does not matter, it is no longer your concern.
They will do just fine! They are not us. They do not have destroyed lives and themselves, they would carry on like you never existed. But we have to live with the consequences and the baggage, how man treated you and how you felt.

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @fridges you actually made me smile. You are right, I have to keep trying, eventually this need to contact him will go away for good. I will take your advice and stop worrying about him, you are right, he will be fine, they always are

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