Birthday (detail removed by Moderator)

[Mime]

Hello. I’m still new-ish here and finding it difficult to accept that maybe I’m being abused- or to be more accurate I’m finding it hard to accept that my partner is abusive.

Its my birthday (detail removed by Moderator) and he’s sleeping in the spare room because he’s angry with me (again). I said to him (detail removed by Moderator) that we remember things different (basically he tells me I’m crazy, manipulative and out of control and I say – I don’t remember being like that, can you tell me what I did that was like that?) He won’t be questioned on this, so he said to me that once again I’m trying to cause a fight and he stomped out to sleep in the spare room.

I’m ok with this, but I know from experience that when he’s angry withe he punishes with 2 – 3 days silence (during which time he says he’s leaving me and starts searching on the Internet for places to live), then when I finally cant take it any more I cry and beg him not to go and say I’m so sorry- even though half the time I have no idea what it is he thinks I’ve done. Or at least only a vague idea that makes no real sense at all.

So I’m fine with him sleeping in the other room and not speaking to me on my birthday. But I’m dreading how I eventually won’t be able to take his nastiness and I’ll cry and beg etc… and he’ll then say I’m crazy and hysterical. I want to have some dignity but everytime this happens I end up being weak and looking like I can’t manage my emotions and despising myself. How do other people stay strong ?? X

[Eggshells]

Hi Mime,

I’m so sorry to hear that he is doing this on your birthday. He sounds incredibly manipulative.

The best way to deal with his games is simply not to play. Make the most of the peace and quiet of the silent treatment and use the time to do the things you enjoy and that will get you out of the house.

Silent treatment was a new tactic that my ex tried towards the end of our relationship because his old manipulations no longer worked. I used the time to do all sorts of stuff that I enjoyed and never uttered a word to him about what I was doing or where I was going. I even paid for everything in cash so that he couldn’t track me through my credit card statement. It drove him mad because I was no longer being controlled by him. For me, it was sad when he realised that the silent treatment didn’t work. I preferred it to his constant harassment.

Ultimately though, the best way to deal with it is to walk out the door and never go back. Then he can be as silent as he likes and you will feel strong again. Perhaps something to consider for the future?

My ex made a habit of falling ill on my birthday. I used to go out and buy myself the food I loved but could never have because he didn’t like it, get myself some bubbly and spend the evening indulging myself whilst he kept out of the way pretending to be sick. It was heaven!

Enjoy your day. You have a free pass to get out and do your own thing. xx

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. Google the cycle of abuse. the power and control wheel and read Living with the Dominator. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows it’s abusive. Abusers often accuse us of the very thing they’re doing. It makes us feel crazy. Google trauma bonding. It’s not you, it’s him. They also like to destroy important occasions for us and will do what they can to prevent us being happy and thriving. It’s al abuse and it has a terrible effect on mental health and physical health. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline which is a great support, I’d ring them too x

[Bananaboat]

Happy Birthday.x

I’ve had abuse on every birthday which I realise now, but at the time it was excuses, feeling ill, got to work, getting himself drunk and finally last one pretending to forget then laughing about it. I know what you mean about giving in and going back, your mind likes to trick you into it but this is also part of the abuse cycle, it’s hard pill to swallow. Rather than waiting for him to leave, can you start to make plans? You might not be able to get your own place straight away but feeling like you know what help there is, benefits, etc etc helped me feel more in control of my situation even if for the short term, so next time we fought I already had a part plan in mind. Good luck

[nbumblebee]

Hey I wrote a similar post on here on my birthday my hus and was nasty as he thought i should give him sex as it was my birthday. I dont get a card let alone a gift or a nice day so i completly feel your pain. Could you get out go for a walk treat yourself to a chunk of cake? Try and make today the day you think about yourself. I agree with the others you have been so brave to reach out on here time to take that bravery one step further and call womans aid and get some help. You so deserve better xx

[Anonymous]

Mime it’s your basic manipulation, gaslighting, mind gaming and blame shifting to not take responsibility , he’s projecting onto you , please take the advice given, also happy belated birthday 🎂🌸 I hope your future ones will be much better than this one 💗💗💗

[Secretlife]

Happy belated birthday Mime. I am so sorry to read how it turned out. I found it a huge shock to learn that i was experiencing abuse from my husband and it took a good while for me to accept this. I also read the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, which can be downloaded for free, and this really helped me understand what was going on and why. The knowledge I gained, and am still gaining, from this forum and from the book have helped to give me strength and cope with my situation better that I did before. My husband gives me the silence treatment when I either do something or say something he doesn’t like, and like you, sometimes I’m not even sure what I’ve done to upset him! This treatment can go on for a couple of weeks and I find it absolutely torturous. In the end I explode with anger and frustration and I am then accused of being crazy, out of control and even abusive. I used to completely crumble into a crying wreak, it was awful. I still have bad times with him now but I feel now I am armed with more knowledge and I am one step ahead of him. Mostly, I can rise above his behaviour and it doesn’t pull me down as much. I think about myself far more and put myself first, this doesn’t come easy but it’s working. I am also getting out more, as often as I can. He doesn’t like this and there is a price that I sometimes have to pay via another mood etc, but you know, I ignore it now and pretend I haven’t noticed and he seems to snap out of it! I am determined to keep doing things that don’t involve him and that make me happy. I hope you find my post helpful in some way. Sending you strength and a big birthday hug 🤗 xx

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