Bit better today……

[mixed-up mum]

Hi – bit brighter and more alert today – have been awake all day at least – but then it is only lunchtime!!!
Yesterday all I wanted to do was sleep – I’m in bed still – but not slept – need to get myself up and dressed though.

I wish I could just wake up every day and be raring to go and full of beans for the day ahead – but I never feel that way – just getting up and dressed is an achievement some days!!!!
Every day is just the same, get up and either work or housework – same every day, I never do anything nice or fun.

Many of you will say go out and meet folk, join groups etc, but its not that easy when you don’t even feel like getting up and getting dressed.
I have no self confidence, and its not easy to get out and meet folk when you are so shy.

Some of you will suggest exercise, but again when even the most basic of daily tasks is a struggle then making yourself get up and go out for a walk is even a really hard thing to do. I am so unfit its 10years since I was last in the gym. I wouldn’t know where to start now….

[mixed-up mum]

It’s my birthday this week and it would really raise my spirits if my friends would surprise me and all come over for a girly night in, I could do with the boost.
It would just be nice to feel special and be made a fuss of – just for one day.
The last time I did ask my friends over was August, and one by one the 6 of them cried off, they all had different excuses, and it all fell through and never happened, and I’d been so excited and so looking forward to it.
I haven’t asked again, I’m just scared to be let down again – they all have nice lives, good lives, and better things to do than sit with me…..

I just wish I had someone who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me, then I wouldn’t have to bother my friends.

This time last year I thought I had the chance of a relationship – there was a man ( an aquantience I’ve known for at least 25 years) he always seemed pleased to see me when we met, and would stop and chat for ages – there was always a bit of flirting between us – well this time last year I decided to take the plunge and make my feelings known to him…..
It didn’t go as planned – his ex came back in his life and he decided to give it another go…… 🙁 🙁 🙁

I felt so disappointed and let down – the first man I’d had the courage to approach since leaving my abusive ex – and it went so wrong – I was heartbroken – he was/is a very kind, caring, nice man – and I really thought we could have been so good for one another.

For a few days I thought we had a future – and I was buzzing, so full of life and energy – I wanted to get up and shower and make myself look nice, I wanted to keep the house neat and tidy and looking good, and I even wanted to exercise and lose a bit of weight, but then it all fell apart and that was the end of my ‘feel good factor’…..

It took me so much courage, to let him know how I felt – I’d only ever had one boyfriend in my life ( my abusive ex) and this new man felt SO RIGHT for me – it felt so good that feeling somebody actually cared and wanted to be with me….

I felt ready to let him in to my life, I wasn’t ready for anything sexual, but I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend time with me. I felt ready to let a man in my life and try and see if I could cuddle and be close to a man again, and maybe even a kiss ……

Anyway it was not to be, and a year later I now hear that he is on his own again – his partner had left him for a second time – he does not deserve to be used and hurt like he has been, he’s such a gentle, nice man, and easily used – he’s been badly hurt and used by his ex wife, and now again by his ex girlfriend, he’s going to find it hard to trust again…..

Part of me wants to give it one last shot and see if he IS interested in me – or was he just being the nice gentleman that he is ….. I don’t think I could take rejection a second time ,- but I can’t get this man out of my head – he would give me the boost, and the zest for life that I long for….

He would help me feel good about myself and give me a reason to get up and get going every day….

But I can hear some of you say – that I should not feel I ‘need’ a man for that….and I know I shouldn’t – BUT I just long to feel special to someone again, I long to have those butterflies in my stomach – waiting to see him or hear from him….someone to actually hold me in his arms and NOT push for sex – its been so long that I’ve forgotten how that feels…..

What should I do – give him one last try and know for sure if he IS interested in me – OR level it be and see if HE comes to ME………

I know many of you will say that I should not rely on a man to make me feel good about myself and about life – but COULD he be the boost I need to make a life for myself – I’ve just not really moved on at all since leaving my abuser – a new man would firmly put him in the past – and bury him for good…..

What do you all think…..???

[SaharaD]

There’s a saying how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself. I never really knew what that meant until now.

I can hear a lack of self esteem and a lack of self love in how you write. I hear it because it’s in me. You are too vulnerable and recovering to start a serious committed relationship. Let me repeat so it goes into my brain for myself too: you are too vulnerable and still recovering to start a serious committed relationship.

You don’t have energy now wait until you have to fit them into your life too. You will have even less. If he is so great is he going to be yo-yoing between you and his exes.

Only you can move on, a new man really won’t do that for you and probably add some more insecurities. I can’t tell what is right for you I only know you have to be in love with yourself.

I’m trying to practice that now. I get priority over everyone and everything else. I booked myself into a spa for the day for my whole birthday…..alone! I’m on holiday in a far away place….alone! I live…alone! I go on dates with different men give them a kiss and a cuddle at the end and go home to my bed……alone!

I don’t expect friends, family or men to make me feel better. I’m learning to make myself feel better alone. This is really important – it’s a life skill.

Has this guy ever invited you out to an exercise activity? Has he ever included you into his social group of friends?

What can often happen is that once the initial passion has worn off people settle into previous routine. So guess what if you don’t go out now, he will eventually leave you alone at home and go out himself and you are back at square one. Alone.

I got butterflies waiting to get to my destination. I get treated special to me by the people whose job it is to make me feel special. That’s the thing those butterflies and feeling special eventually wear off and its up to you to keep them going.

I for one refuse to be anyone’s sloppy seconds. I was dating a man who I found perfectly nice until as he put it he found someone else with whom he had a deeper connection. Fair enough wished him all the best and continued to date other men. Last minute one of the bank holidays I got a text from him out of the blue after not hearing from him for months. He wanted me to drop everything and come to see him last minute. If someone doesn’t value and respect my time, effort and energy enough to keep in friendly contact and plan that contact, then I am just an afterthought and that is all.

Let’s face it if you are desperately lonely man or woman, you are vulnerable to relationships with the most unscrupulous people but also people who aren’t really compatible with you in the long run. It’s out of necessity not choice.

This is another reason why I date several men. I see other men but I have chosen one particular man on any given night and the same for them they chose me to have a date with as opposed to another lady.

Other reasons are so that I don’t get hopelessly attached to one man. Instead of getting my attention fix (we all have one) from one source which I may be afraid to let go, I get it from many sources which I am happy to say good bye to as they weren’t the only one.

None of these guys know my past, I don’t lean on them for support and they don’t know where I live or work or my real phone number or email address.

I know it all sounds harsh, cold and tough (I’m a straight talker on the forum and always get in trouble for my restlessness) but harsher, colder and tougher was the abuse and the brokenness I felt and feel from it.

I need to put all of my energy, time, resources and effort into rebuilding me…..alone.

I’m not telling you what to do but just one of those red flag road signs “proceed with caution” steep slippery hairpin bend up ahead. If you are like my mother, you turn your little vulnerable car around and find another route. If you are like me, you take your foot off the gas, turn the music down so you can concentrate on the sound of the engine, road surface, brakes and wheels, check your seatbelt, put your foot on the brake and tighten your grip on the steering wheel holding on for dear life/the ride.

Read the sign, know your limits and take all necessary precautions, aka the relationship take off safety checklist. For men and women.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi SaharaD – thank you for taking the time to reply to me – however I do struggle to follow what you mean sometimes – you are obviously way more educated than me and I do struggle to get what you mean at times – its really nice you take the time to reply, but I think you are way above me intellectually, you are on another level compared to me.

But I will read through what you have said and try and understand it…….

I thank you for taking the time to reply when no one else did – but I’m not sure you understood what I was saying either.

Please don’t think I’m being rude (I really don’t mean to be) but I honestly don’t feel vulnerable now, (but hey what do I know you could be right!!!!) I’m a couple of years out now and I feel ready, and want to move on – if I have a new man in my life I will feel less need to have any contact with my ex and he would also reduce the contact with me if someone else was ‘on the scene’.

Yes my self-esteem is low – but it had been that way all of my life – I have never had any confidence – not even in my school days – or when I was single (before I met and married my ex) so how now in my mid-forties will I ever get confidence, and boost my self-esteem?

Im always going to be a meek, timid, shy, quiet prrson and I’m just never going to be confident and out going – that’s just the person I am, we are all different.

I honestly feel if I had a new man in my life that would be the one thing that WOULD give me a confidence boost – to know that after all these years someone DID want me, and someone WAS interested in me – it would be the one thing that would make me feel ALIVE again.

I think your life is very different to mine – my current financial position means that I doubt if I can afford a chippy supper for my birthday – let alone a Spa day – and they only holiday I will be having is a few days with my sister ( who lives 200miles away from me) I have no money to treat myself, I have no money to spoil myself – a treat to me is to open a bottle of wine, and I haven’t done that in months, I can’t even remember the last time I did that.
I have a family, and bills to pay, and at the moment that has to take priority – there is no way I can treat myself or spoil myself in any way, my family has to come first, and keeping a roof over our heads and the electric on, and food in the cupboards.

I would find it very hard to have dates with different men like you are doing, to let then get as close as have a cuddle and a kiss and then not see them again – I could not do that.
What I want is one man, for companionship, and to bring some fun and laughter in to my life – someone who I can build up a relationship with before I can let them close enough to have a cuddle and a kiss.

You sound like you are a very confident person, when you say you “don’t expect family, friends or men to make you feel better” – that’s where we differ, I do need support and reassurance from family and friends – I’m not a strong person, I’m weak, and I do constantly need help and guidance from others in my life – its really good though that you have your life sorted, and are so strong and confident that you don’t need other people.

As for my male friend, no he had never actually invited me out to anything, he lives within 3miles of my village, and we meet in the local shop, or I bump in to him in the town on occasion, and I have had cause to be at his house and he asked me in for a coffee and we chatted for hours.
BUT it was then just as things were ‘getting going’ that his ex girlfriend came back on the scene – and as I said he is such a nice, kind, gentle man, that is is open to manipulation by women, and he had been used and badly hurt in the past.

At the moment all I’m ready for is companionship from him – and after what he had been through, I think that’s all he will be ready for too.
He has a son who he had custody of and his son is his priority too, as are my kids – so I’m not asking him to move in – no that kind of thing is not even in my mind at the moment.

I know him well enough to know he is not the kind of man who uses women and thows them away when someone better comes along, he took his girlfriend back as she had been living with them, and I genuinely believe he wanted it to work and he wanted to make a good of it, but she used him and let him down – as I said he’s such a nice man he’s open to manipulation by a certain kind of woman.

So I hope all that helps you understand me and my life a bit better, I hope I have explained things better to you.

As I said I think you and me are very different people, with very different lives.

But thank you once again for taking the time to read my post and to reply to me.

I wish you well.

[SaharaD]

Hi Mixed up Mum I’m not offended. I often think through my replies and I also wanted you to hear from other people (Lisa can you give some guidance also?) not from my perspective only.

Although our lives are different we struggle from the same emotional issues. My life is definitely not sorted. I too sit around in my robe all day past 13.00pm. I struggle with my self esteem and confidence. The night before my trip I got all tearful, anxious and paranoid. I stayed up the whole night. I only work 2 days a week because the rest of the time I struggle. Even on holiday I’m struggling to be very active.

I have been diagnosed with emotionally unstable/borderline personality disorder. I almost wasn’t allowed travel insurance because I’m under a community mental health team and I was sectioned before Christmas. I’m legally homeless. I live half on my salary and half on benefits with most of my rent including bills paid by housing benefit. It took me over 5 years and debt defaults to finally this year pay off my debts of over 10,000 completely and pay cash for this holiday upfront.
Food banks, homelessness,sectioned,physical injury, constantly moving, disciplinary at work and deaths of my relatives where I was unable to attend the funerals.

I eat a lot at community centres with free food (1) because I struggle mentally with the task of buying, cooking and eating food before it goes off and (2) because I’m paranoid about running out of money so much so that I seem to obsessively hoard money. So I buy these things (1) to practice self care and self love, (2) to reward myself for working so hard at saving money and paying debts and (3) to challenge my obsessive paranoia and anxiety that something bad will happen if I spend money! I suppose my income is regular as an employee and even if they stop your benefits by mistake, when you win an appeal they always backdated it so that you get a lump sum.

I’m not saying I don’t have help. I have help from professionals who are sometimes better at things because they have watched other people’s experience of what you are going through and they are most of the time unclouded by emotions.

Just because you don’t understand what I write doesn’t mean that I am more educated or intelligent than you. Please don’t compare yourself negatively in that way. Maybe I talk this way because of my parents, or the schools I went to or the people I interact with a lot.

As for age, my mother went back to college in her 40s while I was doing by gsces level. We would be up drinking coffee and studying at the same time while everyone else was asleep. I think she was the oldest person in the class. She failed the first year but kept trying and made it.

My father built a property in his 40s. My grandmother attempted to move with her 6 children to another country as a single parent once settled there she remarried in her 40s. My mum’s cousin decided to study to be a doctor in his 40s and 20 something years later he is a doctor still paying off his student loans and mortgages.

I’m not saying any of these things are easy but it’s about being assertive enough to take the one baby step.

Even though it’s been a few years, I don’t know what professional or peer support you have had. Freedom Programme? Power to change course? Pattern changing course? Specialised domestic violence and abuse counsellor? Specialised rape and sexual abuse counsellor? Womens group? Which books have you read on abuse? Jerk radar? Why does he do that? The battered as parent?

If you have done all of those then maybe you need to see a counsellor or therapist for PTSD, self esteem and depression issues.

These are all suggestions that have helped me or some of the other women to move on before turning to a new relationship.

Also if you are on a low income,employed or self employed you are entitled to benefits. Often, benefits agencies get the calculation wrong so it’s worth getting it checked by a welfare advisor, CAB or the website Turn2us.org.uk. also if your business isn’t profit making you might be able to get a tax rebate.

My favourite website for saving money is moneysavingexpert. They have things on there about lowering your bills.

I also get the feeling that you are isolated because you work from home and struggle to do social activities away from home or work. Try to do some activities as foggyhere suggested. I was referred to the gym by my go for two pounds each time I go. Some places now have an outdoor gym. Running outdoorand swimming are one of the cheaper activities particularly if you are on benefits. I play football with a group of women from the food bank in my local area. When money is tight, they don’t charge me to play. When my finances are ok I play the full price.

My mum used to say where there is a will there is a way, you just need to find your will. 🙂 We all do.

[SaharaD]

Restlessness should be tactlessness. Apologies typing on kindle is difficult.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi SaharaD – I have not heard back from you – I hope I have not offended you in anyway – this was not my intention – I only ever wanted to explain things to you so you would understand me better…….

[Ayanna]

Hmm, I cannot relate to this. No man is allowed near me. If they try I turn into a screaming monster. I wish I could live in a man free all female community, where even the post is brought to my door by females.

[foggyhere]

Oh bless you, mixed up mum. If you don’t mind, I’m going to firmly take you in hand and give you some nurturing advice. If it’s too bossy, tell me to f*** off.

1) Fun, free and independent activities

You need to find a way to enjoy yourself that doesn’t involve others or spending money. That’s going to seem tough I know. Grab a piece of paper so you can make a list. Then as you get ideas, write them down. Take a look at the things you already have:

Is there a favourite DVD you haven’t watched in a while?

Favourite book you’d like to read again?

An abandoned creative hobby you haven’t had time to do recently?

Are there some favourite nail polishes stashed in a draw somewhere?

Make a list of all the things you’d enjoy doing.

2) Date yourself – not as weird as it sounds, I promise!

Part of improving your self esteem is having a better relationship with yourself. As silly as this sounds, date yourself. I know as a single mum you won’t feel like you have the time. Thing is, if an absolute Adonis was to ask you on a date, I bet you’d find the time then. I know I would :-). Part of the reason for that is that you’d value him enough to carve the time out – time to do that for yourself. Plan a date with yourself. Use your list of fun, free and independent things to do for ideas.

3) About that birthday

Did your friends blow you out just the once? If they did, then it could just be an unfortunate set of circumstances and there is no evidence to suggest they’ll do it again.

If they keep doing this, then know this is about them, not you. I don’t ever treat my friends like that. Take a moment to pretend they are sitting in front of you, and thank them for showing you that you deserve better friends.

Otherwise. tell your friends you want a nice girly night in, and make sure they know it’s your birthday. If they accept the invite, then tell them how much you are looking forward to it. This way you are placing value on yourself and making your expectation clear. It could well be that the way you asked last time didn’t make it clear – if you have low self esteem that can happen sometimes.

If they do let you down, then carry on with your girly night in and enjoy one of your from, free and independent activitreally

4) Relationships

I’m really sorry, the others are right. I’m in the same boat, and I really need to take my own advice with this one. You really aren’t in a position to properly assess whether someone really is right for you.

You’ll have definite proof of this if you do have friends that blow you out. Before the first time they did that, you never imagined they would, right?

That guy does sound lovely, but if he’s taking exes back, then it sounds like he’s not in much of a position to start a healthy relationship either.

And consider this – I’m on here because after leaving a physically violent relationship, I fell in love with a friend. He was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. It turns out now that there is plenty of evidence to contradict that last statement. He has been subtly manipulating me for the last 15 years. I’m in a right mess now because of it.

There was no way I should have been in the first relationship because the abuse I received as a child was unresolved. And there was no way I should have ever got into a relationship with my soon to be ex husband, because I had the abuse from the first relationship and the abuse I’d received as a child. My self esteem was on the floor, and it made it impossible for me to see his unacceptable behaviouS for what it is, and not something that I caused – see my post on here from earlier this evening.

So I know, a nice nurturing relationship seems like exactly what you need to heal. I feel that too.

But even if this guy is amazing, imagine being loved by someone because of what they do for you, rather than for simply who you are. Imagine that person placing all the responsibility for their happiness on you. That is what you and I would do to anyone genuine who came into our lives right now.

I hope this helps, mixed up mum

xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Foggy and thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and to reply.

Oh if only it were that easy……..

I’m pathetic – beyond help I think.
I’m so tired at the moment I can hardly stay awake long enough to watch the soaps!!! I never get to the end of a DVD – always sleeping before its done!!!
I don’t read – never have done – not since I was made to at school!!!!
I really honestly have no hobbies or interests, when I was married all my time was spent with him, and the kids, we never ever went out, never had a social life of any kind, I’m not the least bit sporty (I’m very overweight) I’m not the least bit arty, I’m not the least bit musical – I have no talents what so ever – I tell you I AM a lost cause………
There is absolutely nothing I enjoy doing – you have no idea how boring I am (well I expect your beginning to see that now!!!!) I have never had any hobbies or interests as there is nothing I’m good at.

This is why my life is so pathetic – all I’m asking from life is some friends who want to spend some time with me – but as I say they all either have really good lives and marriages and are happy and content – OR they have thir own worries and troubles and I don’t like to bother them.

The problem is – if I don’t ask them over they all just think I’m fine and I’m coping and I’m happy and my life is OK – BUT if I do ask them over I feel like I’m being too ‘needy’ and demanding there time and their attention.

Actually two or 3 times last year I tried to have a girly night and for various reasons it never happened (this one couldn’t come, that one couldn’t come) – that’s why I don’t like to keep on asking them – BUT if I don’t ask them they never come….I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t……

I want them to MAKE time for me in their lives because the WANT to be with me and spend time with me – and not because I have ‘forced’ them to make time for me – and made them come and see me….

They all know I lost my dad a few weeks ago maybe they think (and part of me feels the same too) maybe it’s too soon to have a girly night in and have wine – maybe I should be respectful and do nothing for my birthday????

But part of me too feels like I really could do with a boost and it would be so nice if they thought enough of me to think – ‘I bet she’s feeling a bit down, let’s all get together and cheer her up’ – it would be so nice if they really made an effort to spoil me……..

Sorry got to work now – but there’s more yet I want to say be back at lunchtime……..

[foggyhere]

Hey, who said you had to get brilliant at something to relax yourself?! The tiredness thing could be a catch 22. You seem pretty low, and doing something, no matter how small, that is for you and that you enjoy will start you feeling better. One of the things on your list could be simply to put fresh sheets on the bed, have a nice bath and go to bed early, leaving all electronics downstairs. Have you told a GP how you are feeling?

I understand you need people in your life – most people do. I wonder from what you’ve said about friends whether you need this so much that you’ll tolerate poor treatment, as even that seems better than being alone. Enjoying some of the time you spend alone will make you so much more resilient to other people’s bad behaviour, because you’ll be happier to let them go if you are being treated poorly.

And no no no, you cannot force someone into coming to see you. If they want to, they will. What about saying something like “It’s my birthday on X day, and I’d really like to have a girly night in with friends. Would you like to come?” I’m so sorry about your dad. Of course it’s not disrespectful to do something to mark your birthday, if that’s what you want to do

xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Foggy – that you so much one again for taking the time to read my post and reply again.

Oh I’m just a lost cause – Im the only one who can help myself ‘get a life’ but I can’t do that until I feel better about myself and until I feel better about myself and feel positive enough to make changes there is never going to be a better life – I’m trapped in this vicious circle………….

I have convinced myself I’m OK now – I’m ‘over it’ I’ve moved on, I’ve recovered – and maybe I haven’t – maybe I’m only OK on the surface – look a bit deeper and maybe that ‘wound’ is still there – maybe it’s NOT properly ‘healed’ yet?????

I’m just never going to be a confident and outgoing person – I believe you are either born confident or your not – and I just always going to be shy, quiet and lacking confidence……

I have never asked for nor received any help or support from my GP – as I said – I thought I was ‘over it’ now and didn’t ‘need’ any help……

I’m not ‘lonely as such – as I’m not alone – I have my teenage kids in the house. And my daughter is great company – but I just feel she deserves a life of her own too – she should not have to ‘babysit’ me – she should be off out with her friends too – I think it would be good for us to have ‘a life’ outside the house too – that she’s should go out with friends or a boyfriend and likewise so should I – every night of the week we sit here at the TV and I fall asleep – that’s how we spend every single night – she goes out on occasion with her pals – but me being the aga I am – I don’t go out.
My friends as I said are all 40+ and married with kids (mostly younger than mine are) and so they don’t really go out either – they are happily married or in long term relationships – I don’t have any single friends that I could go out with – or who would even come here to spend the evening with me……

Im just so scared to ask my friends again to come here for a girly night in – not after 2-3 knockbacks – I would only make me feel even worse if they refused my invite yet again…..

[foggyhere]

Ah, you do have it within yourself to really love yourself. You don’t have to be super confident – not everyone is. From what you have said, it could well be you have depression. If you tell the GP what you’ve told us about feeling tired and low motivation, they’ll be able to say. The help they can give with that would make the world of difference – just lift you up enough to start making changes to the way you treat yourself. It won’t seem like such an uphill battle.

Hugs x*x

[Savingmyself]

Hi Mixed up mum
I don’t see why you can’t have him just as a mate have a cup to tea with now and again and be supportive of each other
You are a wonderful mum so you good at something that’s the hardest job in the world
Big hugs xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Saving myself – thank you for your reply – it would be nice indeed but some the others think I’m not in a right frame of mind right now to let anyone in my life – I don’t know – I don’t even know what’s best for me anymore – I THINK I’m OK – but am I?????

Thank you for your kind words – no one has ever told me that I’m good at anything – not even me mam – she has never in all of my life said “well done, you did well, your doing a good job, I’m really proud of you etc…. well if me own mam canna say those words to me then who will – thank YOU for your kindness. x*x

[Savingmyself]

Hey Mum
Yes our parents were from a different generation

If you want to go to his for a cuppa then go it’s just a cuppa no big deal
You said you know it will make you feel better then I am sure it will
If you don’t try then you will not know .
I have not one soul that comes to my house and I go to no ones either
I would love to have a friend male or female to go and have a cuppa and a chat with
Big hugs xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Saving myself – I’m really sorry that you have no one that comes to you – are there no support groups in your area you could attend?? I know there is nothing here like that for me.

Do you have workmates you could ask over??

I’m self-employed, and work alone – so no workmates here either.

But then again as I say – when was the last time any of my friends were here either – its just about at the stage where we see each other Xmas and birthdays and that’s it – mind you I maybe could go to them more too – guess it works both ways eh?? Just don’t like to arrive – not when they have smaller kids with homework to do and bath time etc. I’m free to come and go as I please, no man and the kids don’t need me…..

I’m lucky that me and my daughter are so close – we are always together. I guess that’s why they don’t come over much – they know I have her for company.

As for my male friend – I’m having doubts now – maybe I read too much in to it….maybe there is no ‘connection’….
After all these years of being a married woman I’m a bit out of practice with things like this – ie reading the male mind…..!!!!

I don’t feel good enough anyway – who am I kidding – WHO would want ME!!!!

Yeah I guess our parents were of the generation where you just didn’t say things like that…..all the same it would be nice to hear it now and then eh….

Keep chatting – good to hear from you!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

[Savingmyself]

Hiya Hun

I think we will get it sorted we just have to be gentle and kind to our selves
Baby steps xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi mixed-up mum,

Loving this thread, its so helpful to me, thank you Mixed-up mum for being so honest. I can relate. I have had similar scenario and feelings triggered in me by a man in my life who is giving me attention but has a’ red flag’.

What helps me is the web-site ‘Let Men Chase You, and Sleep Like a Princess’. Sahara’s way of dealing with ‘new men’ coming into our lives is spot-on. As women we need to ‘mind ourselves’ with men as we (due to our nature and past abuse) are more prone (than the man)to get more emotionally attached and maybe hurt. The way Sahara is conducting herself with men is the way (in my opinion) to save us from more emotional suffering and pain (we’ve had enough of that from our abusers).

Men can be bored, want their ego stroking, etc, etc so we have to be careful, so that website describes ‘False Indicators’ of interest. The only indicator of interest we should respond to (to protect our vulnerable selves) is being asked out on a date by the man in question.

The other book that I love and has helped me is ‘Why Men love b*****s’ by Sheryl Argov. Its not a mean-spirited b***h but b.i.t.c.h as in Babe In Total Control of Herself. OR (Boys I’m taking Control here’) lol. This is my bible at the moment. It is showing me how to change from ‘nice girl’ aka doormat, to a woman who will not tolerate being treated badly by anyone, a man, friends,family or work-mates.

I Agree with the other ladies, I need to have a love affair with myself first. I like that advice about dating myself. And love Sahara’s experiences of going on holiday with herself, treating herself.

My quote for today ‘Love Myself First’. Its not selfish. I’m in no danger of becoming selfish, after years of putting everyone else’s needs before my own, I need to make amends to myself. I need to make it up to myself with ‘spa days’, holidays, treats (that don’t cost money). Have got lots of ideas from this thread already.

So glad this has come up as I’m now away from abuser but I’m still vulnerable and not fully healed so I’m vulnerable to the attention of ‘men I find attractive’ who give me verbal and non-verbal attention, but who may not be able to love, cherish and adore me in the way I deserve.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Lover of No Contact – sorry it had taken me so long to reply – but THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post and reply to me…….

Having a ‘wobble moment’ – my daughter is in bed feeling miserable with the cold. And my son has gone to his dads & so I’m alone – I hate this – I just want to talk to someone – this is what I’m affraid of – my teenagers are growing up – and will soon be driving and going out on their own – and not need me – this is a natural progression – and I wouldn’t want to stop it – not for my own selfish reasons……

BUT I just can’t bare the though of being alone – I want to be special to someone, I want to feel wanted and needed and be an important part of someones life…..I want to feel that sense of belonging…..

My aunty and uncle are away out for a meal tonight and having a night in the hotel – they have been married 40+yrs and still go out for meals together and still enjoy each others company – you see THIS is what I signed up for when I married – that’s all I ever wanted – to marry for life and grow old together – unfortunately that’s not what I got……

But for just a moment I almost made an excuse to phone my ex and go there – he is alone with no friends and he is always so pleased to hear from me if I have to ring him, or if I have to go to his house for any reason.

But I know I can’t/shouldn’t make any contact with him unnecessarily – I don’t want to give him any encouragement in any way – BUT its just that feeling I miss so much, of being special/wanted/needed/cared about…… that’s what I long for again – and I don’t really want it from HIM but if no one else is here to provide it I feel like I would take it from anyone who would offer me some attention (even him 🙁 )….. I know pathetic or what!!!

I know I’m a sad miserable excuse for a woman…. I should enjoy being free, being my own person – an independent woman – but I’m so weak……

I just need companionship – while out doing the food shop today I see Tesco full of Valentines cards and pressies – and I so wish I had someone special to give a card, to or to get a card from – but I know come Valentines day there will be no mail (OR male!!!!!! 😉 ) on my door mat…… 🙁

To be quite honest – it needn’t necessarily be a man I’m after – if only I had a friend who was single too – and she was free for fun times – a cuppa and a natter – or a bottle of wine and a laugh – but they all want to spend their time with their husbands/partners and their children – and I can’t expect them to drop everything and come running when I want company……

But I just hate being alone I’m not comfortable with my own company…… I know that’s pathetic – I have a lot I should be thankful for……..

[mixed-up mum]

Well he DID ring (detail removed by moderator)
We spoke for about 20mins and I just had nothing to say – he spoke and I listened – I tried my best o appear as if I was fine and everything was OK – when in reality it is not – Im not too good today – but I don’t want HIM to know that – I want him to think everything is wonderful and Im really happy and coping with life – I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing my life is not all ‘a bed of roses’ just now.

Just another low day……………

Im not at all good with paperwork (although when I was married I did it ALL as he was not able to – but now that Im on my own it feels so much worse for some strange reason???!!!???)
It just seems to be constant MAIL in the door and it gets on top of me and gets me down – my review of my housing benefit is due, and with being ’self-employed’ that is way more work for me and way more complicated. I don’t find it at all easy.
A letter came home from the school for my sons booster jabs – that got put I ’the pile’ and got forgotten about – and so its now overdue too.
There’s a pile or mail not real lying next me here – tax credit letters – house insurance – Electric bills – car insurance – tax return – lawyers letters – student loan letters – voting register letters – and so ON & ON it goes – I could paper me walls with the bloomin things – I dunno what to do with it all – its mostly all been seen to, and just needs ‘filing away’ – but that’s the thing – there is SO MUCH keeps on coming in, and I just don’t know what NEEDS to be kept and what can be dumped – ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Paperwork is my worst nightmare – and my pet hate!!!

And so Im sat here having eaten two pokes of crisps – three Jaffa cakes and 3 chunks of chocolate – eat and pretend its not happening – that’s my answer today!!!!! 😉

My housework is not getting done either – so the house is a mess – I wish I could shake myself out of this – and get motivated.

My son does nothing to help – only makes a mess – my daughter will help occasionally – but then she is ill at the moment and not feeling like doing much – and so as you all know Im sure – it all falls to MUM!!!!

That’s the thing being a single parent – the buck stops with YOU – it all falls on YOUR shoulders – all the washing, cooking, cleaning etc – and on top of that there’s the dreaded PAPERWEORK!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Depressing 🙁 I just need someone who is good with his kind of thing to sit down beside me and say – no you don’t need that now, bin it – or yeah that might be needed yet – keep this – I just want it all away and out of my sight – I’ve two boxes of it ‘hidden’ away in my bedroom – I just don’t know where to start…….

[martian29]

Mixed up mum, I can so relate to what you are saying. Our circumstances seem very similar. I am also in my (removed by moderator) with teenage children and have only ever had the one relationship with my ex. The thought of being with another man both scares and excites me.

I understand that feeling of emptiness, of wanting to feel desired and needed by somebody. I feel so empty when I hear other women talking about their husbands and where they are planning to go on holiday or what they have planned that evening as a family. I avoid inviting friends or family over as I feel they will find me so boring and dull. I long to share my life with somebody but I am too scared to trust again. I long for that buzz of excitement again that somebody loves me, wants me and finds me desirable. My ex made me feel this way in the beginning but it was all a mask as he made me feel the opposite by the time I left. It would be nice to cuddle up to someone and do simple things like just watching T.V. or cooking a meal and eating together.

I have spent much time trying to rebuild my life on my own. My ex moved on with another woman as soon as I left him. I wish I could move on so easily as him. My children are getting older and may leave me in just a few years so I keep thinking how will I cope all alone? They have been my life for so long, I live and breathe for them. My days revolve around work and them and I can’t imagine it being any other way but sometimes I just think “What about me?”. “Don’t I deserve some happiness?” “Don’t I deserve what every other woman I know seems to have?”. “Don’t I deserve to be loved and treated right?”

I have days when I can’t seem to keep on top of the housework and paying the bills. I don’t bother the children to help around the house as they are so busy studying (removed by moderator). Sometimes I feel like I am falling into a bottomless pit and everything is falling all around me. It feels like an endless battle keeping on top of things. It is so hard being a single working parent without any support from family or friends. I understand fully what you mean. I sometimes have days where I overeat then feel disgusted at myself. I have spells where I can’t eat at all with anxiety and nerves. My weight yo yos all the time and I have a wardrobe ranging from size 10 to size 16.

Sorry I can’t be of much support or help to you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings. Hugs X*X
.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi again Martian29 – my daughter is very ill with the flu – been up all night coughing, she’s so tired but can get no rest for the coughing – but what can I do – diving he hot drinks and tablets, but other than that I’m just sitting with her hoping she will get some peace and rest eventually.

So on here to pass the time until we do sleep……

Yes I get what you meant about the family holidays, we have mostly bad memories of holidays, because we would have to be with him 24/7,and put up with his daily moods and tantrums or stoney silences that would last days, so unfortunately we have very few happy holiday memories.
But I know now that I’m on my own with the kids there is no way there is money for holidays, and I just can’t see me being able to afford it anytime in the future.
So yes as you say you hear others talking about family holidays and I know that’s another thing he has robbed us of.

Yes in the beginning we too were very much in love, and we were so happy, but it was once the kids came along and he had to share me and date my love – that’s when the trouble started – and we lived that life for the teens of years until in the end, we could take no more and I finally plucked up courage to get us out.

So yes it will be difficult to trust again, but I don’t want to let these abusive years define the rest of my life – I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my days, I’m not that ‘old and past it’ yet!!!!!! 😉 😉 😉

I’d like to think that next time (if there is a next time) that I WOULD spot the signs of abuse and I would not put up with it again. The reason I wouldn’t leave him was fear of the unknown, fear of making us homeless, fear that I couldn’t cope on my own (I know I’m not doing a fantasic job, but we are getting by – JUST!!!!)

I think it would be a very long time before I could trust again to live with someone, yes I want companionship, but I would need to be 100% sure I was safe before ever letting a man get as close as living together again – I would not give up my home and my freedom unless it felt 100% right and safe.

But yes as you say its the little things that I too miss, as you say just to cuddle up on the sofa and watch TV together, I used to enjoy my feet being rubbed, or my hair being played with (that was before it got to the stage where I could not stand to have him near me and touch me) he would use ANY physical contact what-so-ever to initiate sex – so it go to be in the end I could not let him touch me, as no contact was ‘safe’.

My ex has not yet found another partner – so I don’t know how I would feel if/when that happened – so long as she is on her own and has no kids and can shower him with all her love and attention then things will be fine – but I would feel very tempted to warn any ‘new woman’ what he CAN be like – its the little daily things that ‘creep in’ and slowly become ‘normal’ – that’s the scary thing – you don’t notice it happening……

Yes I’m at the same stage in my life where my kids are growing up and I will have to let them go eventually – but like you my kids are my life…..but the day will come when I will be on my own and I will need to make a whole new life for myself – I will always be their mam – but they will leave home and get married – and I will no longer be the only person in their lives…..

So I think as you say, I need to find myself a new life before that happens, at the moment they don’t go out that much – but the time will come when they do and I don’t want to be alone every night – eating alone, watching TV alone, going to bed alone, waking up alone……

And yes as you say – being a single mam isn’t easy – and daily life can be/is a struggle – but I try and hide my struggles from my kids as much as possible – I d9nt want them to know I’m not coping – its not their job to worry about me and look after me …..

Oh yeah – it does often revolve around food when I feel like I’m not coping – I turn to food like others might turn to drink or f**s to get them through it – its my way of coping – and oh how I wish I WERE a size 16 I can’t remember the last time I was that size – most likely when I was AGED 16!!!!!!

Anyway I’ll go for now – my daughter is asleep now and I’m going to try and get an hour before I have to get up for the day – but great chatting with you ,thanks for your message and I will send you s quick private message too – just so we don’t take up all the space on here chatting.

Speak again soon. x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Martian29 – oh WOW – SO GOOD to hear from you – you have taken the words right out of my mouth!!!!
We have SO MUCH in common – what you feel I have felt too – what you are going through I’m going through too – you really do ‘get me’ – this is fantastic – thank you so much for sharing all of this – its great to hear I’m not alone in feeling the way I do with so many aspects of life.

I’m just so relieved to share all this with someone who really ‘gets me’.

Yeah the idea of a ‘new man’ is an exciting prospect – but as you say scares me too – I just might not be as brave as I think I am when it really came down to it!!!!

And yes it is true – when I hear my friends talk about what they are all doin ‘as a family’ – and I know I don’t have that aspect to my life any longer – not with two growing up teenagers.

I too feel boring and dull in comparison to my friends – basically I have no life!!!

And yes trust is a thing that will take time – it will have to be built up slowly and over time.

Sorry got to go now – back soon!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Hope u feeling better today, was reading your post about how everything is building up and u just sitting there eating junk food and wish u could get out of it, that was me the previous weekend, sat there all weekend just crying, emotional eating , couldnt pick myself up,even slept i was so down during day, avoiding everything possible , sat there with my support worker for two days and said all i want to do is cry, i dont know why, got nothing to say but here i am just crying, told her same i want to pick myself up but dont know how to, am fighting with my inner self not to break , sometime my body just shakes thinking gosh surely i have to do things and my memory actually goes blank thinking of things that need to be done but am blocking, do u know what she said to me which work for me, she goes cry then, she said its clear u feeling low on a emotional level, but she goes u have to pull yourself together, no one else can do it for u, it has to be u , cry, release the emotion then get a grip, ask yourself how u going to move on, the answers r within us, she goes you experience 18 years abuse, u did get out, now r u going to spend rest of life crying or pick yourself up, it will take time, it will hurt but only u can move on….i remember thinking yeah i know, so ill just sit here and cry anyway, but overnight her words did sink in, and they sink in deep i have to tackle this. So firstly i would say forget all your jobs , grab all your post and go through it,make a list of all jobs u need to do, by avoiding post, u r sinking into more problems, make a list of jobs and then priotorise them in order of time and importance and aim to tackle at least three of those jobs everyday

[SaharaD]

Sorry I replied in the wrong part.

Hi Mixed up Mum I’m not offended. I often think through my replies and I also wanted you to hear from other people (Lisa can you give some guidance also?) not from my perspective only.

Although our lives are different we struggle from the same emotional issues. My life is definitely not sorted. I too sit around in my robe all day past 13.00pm. I struggle with my self esteem and confidence. The night before my trip I got all tearful, anxious and paranoid. I stayed up the whole night. I only work 2 days a week because the rest of the time I struggle. Even on holiday I’m struggling to be very active.

I have been diagnosed with emotionally unstable/borderline personality disorder. I almost wasn’t allowed travel insurance because I’m under a community mental health team and I was sectioned before Christmas. I’m legally homeless. I live half on my salary and half on benefits with most of my rent including bills paid by housing benefit. It took me over 5 years and debt defaults to finally this year pay off my debts of over 10,000 completely and pay cash for this holiday upfront.
Food banks, homelessness,sectioned,physical injury, constantly moving, disciplinary at work and deaths of my relatives where I was unable to attend the funerals.

I eat a lot at community centres with free food (1) because I struggle mentally with the task of buying, cooking and eating food before it goes off and (2) because I’m paranoid about running out of money so much so that I seem to obsessively hoard money. So I buy these things (1) to practice self care and self love, (2) to reward myself for working so hard at saving money and paying debts and (3) to challenge my obsessive paranoia and anxiety that something bad will happen if I spend money! I suppose my income is regular as an employee and even if they stop your benefits by mistake, when you win an appeal they always backdated it so that you get a lump sum.

I’m not saying I don’t have help. I have help from professionals who are sometimes better at things because they have watched other people’s experience of what you are going through and they are most of the time unclouded by emotions.

Just because you don’t understand what I write doesn’t mean that I am more educated or intelligent than you. Please don’t compare yourself negatively in that way. Maybe I talk this way because of my parents, or the schools I went to or the people I interact with a lot.

As for age, my mother went back to college in her 40s while I was doing by gsces level. We would be up drinking coffee and studying at the same time while everyone else was asleep. I think she was the oldest person in the class. She failed the first year but kept trying and made it.

My father built a property in his 40s. My grandmother attempted to move with her 6 children to another country as a single parent once settled there she remarried in her 40s. My mum’s cousin decided to study to be a doctor in his 40s and 20 something years later he is a doctor still paying off his student loans and mortgages.

I’m not saying any of these things are easy but it’s about being assertive enough to take the one baby step.

Even though it’s been a few years, I don’t know what professional or peer support you have had. Freedom Programme? Power to change course? Pattern changing course? Specialised domestic violence and abuse counsellor? Specialised rape and sexual abuse counsellor? Womens group? Which books have you read on abuse? Jerk radar? Why does he do that? The battered as parent?

If you have done all of those then maybe you need to see a counsellor or therapist for PTSD, self esteem and depression issues.

These are all suggestions that have helped me or some of the other women to move on before turning to a new relationship.

Also if you are on a low income,employed or self employed you are entitled to benefits. Often, benefits agencies get the calculation wrong so it’s worth getting it checked by a welfare advisor, CAB or the website Turn2us.org.uk. also if your business isn’t profit making you might be able to get a tax rebate.

My favourite website for saving money is moneysavingexpert. They have things on there about lowering your bills.

I also get the feeling that you are isolated because you work from home and struggle to do social activities away from home or work. Try to do some activities as foggyhere suggested. I was referred to the gym by my go for two pounds each time I go. Some places now have an outdoor gym. Running outdoors and swimming are one of the cheaper activities particularly if you are on benefits. I play football with a group of women from the food bank in my local area. When money is tight, they don’t charge me to play. When my finances are ok I play the full price.

My mum used to say where there is a will there is a way, you just need to find your will. 🙂 We all do.

[Lisa]

Great information SaharaD. Such a lot of wonderful suggestions in this post.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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