Blame shifting

[Sportygirl]

I live with an emotionally abusive partner. A few days ago I found out he’s having another affair. I can’t say anything because I have nowhere else to live yet, so have to keep the anger I feel under wraps. This morning he was disrespectful, but I took deep breaths and didn’t say anything. Later (detail removed by moderator) he was disrespectful again. Miraculously afterwards he apologised, but by this time I’d had enough and was fuming.

I said thank you through clenched teeth and restrained myself from saying anything more, but it was obvious I was angry. He has then proceeded to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. I asked him why he was doing that and he said because I was angry!

So he behaves badly and I get the blame for having a normal human reaction to it! He actually believes this is now all my fault and is walking around stonewalling me with a sense of superiority. He’s even just gone to bed without saying goodnight. I’m now wide awake reeling from the insanity that is his behaviour.

What do I do folks? How can I reframe this so it doesn’t bother me and I can get on with my week without feeling traumatised?

[minimeerkat]

isnt it crazy when they treat our emotional reactions to any of their behaviour as the problem!  at least you are able to recognize this so all you can do is accept that they will use your normal responses against you to ensure never ever taking responsibility for any pain they cause.  even if he wasnt behaving the way he is now its very possible that you would still get the blame for why he actually cheated on you anyway. so try to continue seeing it clearly & get strength from knowing the truth x

[Sportygirl]

Thanks minimeerkat. It’s one thing to recognise it as crazy making behaviour, but how do I become indifferent to it, for it not to affect me emotionally? And mentally/physically from the stress? Also, how do you cope when he is stonewalling you and you’re living in that toxic hostile energy? There are no family/friends I can go to when he’s in and not going for a walk in the dark evenings. There’s only so long you can impose on people anyway, I’d have to come home eventually. So looking for a solution from anyone while I’m in the house, a shift of perspective rather than just read, do a hobby etc.

Also, how should I respond to him if he eventually starts talking? I’d love to say “(detail removed by moderator)”, as it’s the truth he needs to see, but not sure how that would go down with an abuser. What are your thoughts?

[minimeerkat]

i think we would only actually cope by being robots when partnered with such toxic individuals because we are human beings & feel appropriate emotions.  so although grey rocking can be recommended in certain situations & trying to let someones behaviour wash over you with out absorbing it, we still need to be able to talk about our reactions to toxic behaviour with someone we trust & feel safe with (live chat or your local da service?) or write our feelings down (on this forum or in a notebook?).  i am learning that when we are triggered by someone causing us pain we can be thrown into a trauma response (all that fear & anxiety). so if you want to all i can suggest is that you you do as much as you can to ground yourself – to help you feel ‘safer’.  things like breathing exercises, being in nature etc this kind of stuff to try calming your nervous system – and theres always counselling too if its something you might want to consider

and all that comes to mind when youre wondering whether to highlight your partners behaviour to him is that it wont be helpful at all.  he knows what he is doing.  if you react in any way it will once again be used against you & it will also give him pleasure to then see how much he is troubling you.  remember that while you are feeling hurt angry confused etc your partner is then affecting your emotions making you much easier to control x

[Sportygirl]

Thank you 🙂 I wondered if he knows what he’s doing, when he’s been hurtful. Are you saying he knows he’s being hurtful? I wasn’t sure if abusers are just so sick (in the head) that they don’t know.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Sportygirl,

Yes he 100% knows what he’s doing. Those types of people with his behaviour patterns can see the hurt, confusion and emotion they’ve triggered in us and he’s feeling strong & powerful to have brought those emotions up in us. They don’t think like we do. They see the confusion and hurt on our faces and even though he may appear angry he’s secretly smiling to himself.

They are sick people with no empathy. They can never love. I’ve heard it explained that they are soul detached. They made this choice a long time ago. They deceive, dupe, lie, hurt, destroy because that makes them feel powerful. They believe they are better than us. They probably are jealous of us deep down because we are not like them. We, although not perfect, would never stoop to their level. They think they are above us but in fact we are way above them in terms of values, ethics and just being a normal human being.

If they weren’t so cruel and  manipulative I’d nearly feel sorry for them as they can never love or experience joy like we do. They are restless always searching daily to have some person that they can make feel bad about themselves so they can feel powerful at their expense. The person he has had the affair with doesn’t know what she’s let into her life. He’s no prize catch, quite the opposite

Keep posting as knowledge is power.

[Sportygirl]

Thanks lover of no contact (great name!). Can you say more about them being soul detached, that sounds really interesting. And that they made their choice a long time ago?

[lover of no contact]

Hi Sportygirl,

(detail removed by moderator)

They still have a soul but they are detached from it. They know what good behaviour is. They know how to turn it on in front of people. They know how to turn it off. They know what abuse is. They know it hurts us. They do it on purpose to traumatize and trauma-bond us and get a power- hit from it. They get off on power, domination & control. They exploit people to get what they want. They know it’s destructive they just don’t care.

They’re not interested in growth, in improving themselves. They don’t self -reflect. They know they’re dark. They enjoy what they’re doing. They have enormous contempt for other people. They think we’re weak because we’re not like them and we do care and have a conscience.

They like being the way they are.

Hope that helps. Please keep posting to maintain your strength

 

[Sportygirl]

Thanks for explaining all that lover of no contact. It makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you are quite far along in your healing journey. What helped you? Was it listening to YouTubers like the one you mentioned? Anything else, if you don’t mind sharing?

[Bananaboat]

What helped me was focusing on me – it wasn’t easy to begin with. I’d watch tv programmes I liked or read a book and stupidly I’d feel guilty, which grew into enjoyment then into being almost relieved for those silent times. Over time that space became thinking about my future and what it could be like without all this aggro before eventually turning it into a real option.

The trouble with abuse is you’re not dealing with a normal person, so there is no reasonable conversation or trying to explain your side – they don’t care. When they’re like this you could argue Up is up and they’d say it’s down. The more you learn about abuse, the more you see it and accept it’s not you. Lundy Bancroft, pat craven, (detail removed by moderator), the freedom programme, posts on here all helped me at that point.

You can’t be a robot and even if you could, that’s no way to live. You learn no matter how small or quiet you make yourself it’s never enough for an abuser. Maybe look up the discard phase – might not apply but abusers are cowards and need to treat us so badly that we leave them so that they can be the victim with a sob story about how horrible we are for leaving (they don’t mention they cheated etc). Mine did this and would start random arguments at the end to trigger responses from me and excuses from him. x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Sportygirl,

Yes I’ve been recovering quite a while now. (detail removed by Moderator) I was at the height of the abuse and an emotionally and physical wreck from it all, trapped with alot of  children. You might be able to read some of my posts that I posted back then on here which might help. I’m now free,  still dealing with some aftermath,  but it doesn’t dominate my life.

What helped me was yes some YouTube videos but mainly I attended Al Anon groups (and still do (detail removed by Moderator)) and daily linking into this Forum. It really was a life-saver.

Knowledge definitely is Power. But through the Al Anon work I work on my own behaviour and patterns and it’s also a spiritual program which helped alot with my fears.

I grew up with a (detail removed by Moderator) who chose the abuser patterns of behaviour. My (detail removed by Moderator) was an empath like me. My (detail removed by Moderator) chose to be like my mother. So I had alot of healing to do.

There’s 2  sayings… there’s strength in numbers and together we can make it. Keep posting:)

[Sportygirl]

Thanks bananaboat and lover of no contact. Every time I read a new post it adds another piece of the puzzle, I really appreciate it. I’ve tried imagining my future without all the aggro quite a lot over the last few years, like you mentioned bananaboat. I feel really hopeful while I’m imagining it and even write it down, but nothing ever changes. I don’t know why, I’ve tried really hard.

I haven’t just had abuse with this partner, but was brought up by abusive immediate family members, and a mum who was an enabler, so it was on all sides at home 24/7. It really affected me and I’ve had counselling, but basically most of my life I’ve been abused. I think I’m so worn down by my life experiences, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and have tried all the things suggested to me, like self care, doing things you like etc, I exercise as much as I can and even learned meditation which I do daily. I think this stuff keeps me afloat but my life doesn’t change.

I worry about how I’d survive financially if I lived on my own and pay the bills etc, also how things would get fixed if they needed it (I don’t have any family or close friends so no support system). Practical things like taking care of the garden which is difficult due to my health. I can’t work due to health reasons so my income is very very low, hence the worry over things needing fixing on top of meeting basic needs.

It’s very hard for me to make friends as I’m introverted and hate small talk, but more than that I literally have no headspace for chit chat when I’m just trying to survive every day.

I feel really down, I just think if things were going to change they would have by now, because it’s not like I haven’t been trying for years. x

 

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