This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  fizzylem 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #71679
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hello, not logged on for a while, haven’t felt the need, have been getting on with things, moving forwards. But (detail removed by moderator) my child didn’t want to go to her dads and he’s blaming me again, he’s gone mad, crazy. He has a very warped view of me and the world, reactive, cold, callous, totally uncooperatiive, vile, abusive – and yet I have to deal with him for my child.

    I wish I could walk away and never have anything else to do with him, he opposes me in every way, makes everything so hard, its so tiring and I’m sick of it. Life is for living. I shouldnt have to live my life like this and I should be able to protect my child from her father – but I feel no one can really help. He only uses he PR to attack me with, never for our child’s benefit.

    My child doesn’t want to go sometimes or when there says I want to go home – you’ve poisoned her mind, blame. blame, blame is his game, no sense of personal responsibilty, no emotional intellgience, thus blames everyone else for making me feel this way and then reacts in nasty ways. The suituation feels impossible.

    I’ve always been positive about him when in her company or I stick with how she feels and that’s it. She’s learnt like I did that there’s nothing there to attach to, a self absorbed man, can not meet any of her needs bar a bit of spends and a giggle sometimes, certainly can not meet her emotional needs – she’s learned all this for herself, and that he’s not to be trusted – guess she’s pulling away. Guess he’s maybe feeling rejection – and I know he cant do rejection at all. Gah! Just want to get away and start a new a million miles away.

    I dont have to do a thing and yet he gets more and more angry with me by the day.

  • #71681
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Block block block. You don’t have to deal with his abusive behaviour. He has no right to carry on abusing you. Can you use a third party for contact or a contact book?

  • #71684
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hi KIP, thanks for your reply, yes tried the book, had to remove it, the content was not for little eyes. When Ive gone no contact I have said he can go thru family, but he never has, he just doesnt bother, when I have gone no contact this really angers him and things seem to get worse for us.

    Yes I should have learnt by now, I need to go no contact, I do but then I let him in again by email for arangements, then he flips out again, I try to keep things calm and smooth because I want to move and need him to agree, but I know he will never do that, I’m such a fool, I try to keep thinkgs ok to try and make it easier for my child and because I also wnat to avoid getting caught up in the system – hear such horror stories about how it drags on and outcomes terrible. He’s a poor father with a temper, emotionally and psychologically abusive – I feel like unless he’s sexually abusing her or battering her then he’ll always get to see her – so whats the point in putting up a fight? To make it official he can have her at set times and do what the hell he pleases – with an order to say so x*x

  • #71686
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Fizzylem, glad you’re reaching out for help again. You said it yourself, he’s a poor father, with a temper, emotionally and psychologically abusive. He’s getting to you just now, time to block. He chooses not to go through family, ask yourself why is that? If your wee one doesn’t want to see him, stop contact. If he wants it badly enough he can go through the courts, then once it’s supervised access or whatever, you take your wee one there, once there If she doesn’t want to go ahead with the visit, no one can force it, you’re keeping your side of the court arrangement by going, so you’re not ‘breaking the rules’. But that’s in the future, which may or may not happen. At the moment it’s your child’s needs that have to be put first. His dont even come into the equation. Have you contacted WA yet to get their input? We do what we do to survive, best wishes. Xx
    IWMB πŸ’•πŸ’•

    • #71695
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Thanks IWMB, you’re right. I’m just so sick of contacting WA, refuge, samaritans, all I get is emotional support, which is good yes but I’m still left with being in it alone, just fed up with it atm. Problem is when I step in for her that causes problems, but there is no other way is there, gotta do what we think is right for the child. On the positive, I suppose feeling fed up is a vast improvement on desperation.

      He went mad (detail removed by moderator) because I changed her phone, he wasn’t willing to help me get more safety on it, and as the phone was registered in his name, this left me no choice than to change it. But, at the end of the day my child needs to be as safe as poss when using these adult devices, which is now inplace. He hadnt even set the phone to no violent or sexual content – it was set on explicit so she could view any content. I tried to change it but it said I needed a code. He is seething about what Ive done, I asked him for help and he refused, so I have no regrets as I feel we’ve got what she needs in place now, but it was done without him. Why couldnt he just say yes I hear you, think its a good idea, how can I help? Never not once has he said this for anything – its just not within him, turns my stomach. Ig he can get away with doing he will take that option everytime.

      I wont check his mails now for a bit, but I need him onboard to not cause problems when we move, part of me says stop delluding yourself, you know he only wants war, when has he ever shown you any different, and theres another part of me that hopes and prays for a smooth transition. Sigh. Once we move however easy or hard that may be, he will have lost this hold on me, which is probably why he’s upping his game just now hey – knows hes losing his grip further, if he carries on when we’re gone, then I will be free to go no contact period. Its just this bit up to. I need his consent.

      I’m not going to send her if she doesn’t want to go – ever – but there is always backlash. If they behaved as a father should then there would be no I dont want to go from the kids would there? And mum wouldnt have a problem. This man has serious issues with control, no emotional intelligence and a fairly low IQ, in other words he’s a dangerous idiot as doesnt have the capacity to think about how he imapcts on others, or how others might feel – not there. I’ve learnt that the only armour I have is to not be scared or fearful, do what she needs me to do – regardless xx

  • #71698
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    You seriously sound as if you’ve got your s..t together. Kudos to you πŸ’œ I agree with you getting the new phone, you were being the responsible parent. I’ve been talking to someone recently and she’s of the opinion that the men we are with aren’t very well educated compared to us. It’s not that they’re stupid but they are on a different level, intellectually. (That also doesn’t mean that intelligent intellectual men are abusive either). I agree, once the fear is gone, they have NO control over us. I can’t wait to hear that you’ve moved away and are able to go no contact. πŸ’•πŸ’•

    • #71926
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Thanks hunny, really needed that. Thinking just go no contact, let it go, accept I’m setting myself up to fail and for abuse – that communication is impossible – so really what is the point? There is none is there. I know hand on heart Ive tried my best to make this different and ok for my child – but it just cant be done. It is what it is. Think its time to get on with it.

      Cant bare to see my child suffer, guess it is for this reason and the pain this brings us both that I have tried to prevent from happening, guess I will need to tolerate it and do what I can to help her. She’s only really just starting to come out of the trauma of his care when she was smaller. These relationships rob us and our children of so much and take so very long to recover from.

      His words havent hurt for a long time – some threats I can see as empty, some incite anxiety initally, until I think do what you gotta do then – more evidence if I need it – all i see is a narcissistic rage now – see it for what it is – what it always was. Spent way too many years letting this effect me so very badly – not now – wont go back there again.

      I’m in a sort of temporary calm period again now, as he’s told me not to contact him after another absurd erruption. I cant quite believe he thinks his thoughts are ok to have, rationality is clearly not present, his thinking warped, sick even, always did think the world was against him. Think thats what a lot of us come up against isnt it, they simply can not see there is anything wrong with their thoughts or behaviour nor that the answer is in taking personal responsibility.

      I always hope that after he’s seen red and calmed down he will see his error, do the right thing for our child, but no, never, silly hey, much easier for him to stay fixed on blaming me and carry on than own up. I dont need his apologies now, means nothing – to him and him to me, what me and my child need is change. Wont come from him so will have to come from me.

      He feels in control and that he’s squashed me again atm, which obs doesnt help in the long run as he’ll keep on doing this, but in the short term its great! Its stress free no contact for a bit, he has no idea that I’m very happy with this arrangement lol.

      I dont want to wish he was dead ever again or feel I dont want to be here or that these scenarios are all that will change it, these thoughts have only led me to feeling trapped and powerless, desperation, and bad about myself. I’m not ashamed to admit to these thoughts now – because it shows me how bad its been and where Ive been, and that is all – thinking about these thoughts and times now only invokes sadness.

      There are other ways out aren’t there, like walls and boundaries, armour, self awareness, moving on and as far away as poss, building the life we really want. I truly believe that one day there wont be any need to look back at all.

      Thanks for being there x

  • #71927
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi , I’m smiling here, you really have got the measure of him. It’s lovely to read it. I feel as you do, I know I’ll be fine once he’s not around me. I no longer wish to die either or him too , I realise it’s the relationship that has to end, not my life, not his. You are truly a remarkable lady, I wish you every happiness, success and peace in the future, free of abusive people always. Your post has truly inspired me.πŸ’ͺπŸ’ž
    IWMB πŸ’•πŸ’•

  • #71937
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Thanks for posting that, your words are affirming. Here’s to getting out and starting a new IWMB! Nothing quite like a 100 miles or more to help one feel safer is there. Will be a good day when we can post ‘gone’ for sure won’t it xx

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