Blaming myself (sorry this is so long)

[phantasmagorical]

I’m quite wary of posting on here because I’m not sure my situation is appropriate for this site. If it isn’t, I really do apologise.

For the past (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve been in a long-distance relationship. I feel as though because it’s long distance people see it as less legitimate and therefore my feelings are not as serious? However we have travelled to be together a few times over the years. I have met many of his family and friends, and he has met mine.

It has been very turbulent, I have been sensing something is not right. The thing that is bothering me is that he was rarely overtly abusive, like he’d never call me names although he could be snidey and patronising on occasion. On the contrary he’d shower me with love and affection and sexual intimacy, but then it’s like he’d withdraw and keep me hanging around. I’ve identified this pattern of good times followed by him dropping out of contact, then returning and never truly atoning for what he’d done, just excessive apologising only to make the same mistakes again.

It got to the point where I started to doubt if he wanted to be with me, and was questioning myself and my self-esteem was fast disappearing. Yet he’d always find a way with his words to convince me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Going through our messages, I’ve even found times where he’d attribute all my doubts and worries to me being insecure, although he would concede the insecurity was due to him but would never do anything to truly make it better? He said to me recently (detail removed by moderato, so I start to seriously believe all of the strife and ambivalence is mostly if not all down to myself. It got so bad that I’d feel a horrible sense of dread whenever I wanted to react in sadness or anger at his neglect and silence, because I feel he’d punish me with even more silence, or reject me completely and leave me.

Over this year I’ve been working to move over to his country to be with him. I got my visa, my ticket, my insurance, etc. We’re in our (detail removed by moderator) and he lives at home with his parents. I found it strange that he didn’t inform his parents I was coming over straight away. He kept making excuses, like really stupid excuses that insulted my intelligence. Eventually he said he told his mum, and that she was pleased I was coming over again.

He really dragged his heels in finding a flat, but would assure me outright he wanted me to go over and missed me very much. It was this bizarre divide between his words and his actions, and I think I’ve split myself down the middle forcing myself to trust his words, to believe the lie, because I’ve become so dependent on his assurances and I don’t even know how it’s come to that.

In the weeks leading up to my flight he went into great detail about the flats he’d viewed, and after a lot of tension and worry over where we’d be living, he said he’d met with a landlord and was going to deposit a cheque. He sent me the listing, and described everything in such detail. I’ve been there before so I was familiar with the area; he knows it’s my favourite area in his hometown and was saying things like, “I know you’ll love it here, we’ll make it our own”. He also told me he’d ordered this really expensive mattress, and during the video call when he disclosed this to me, I flinched because it was obviously a lot of money to spend, and when I questioned the purchase he said “I thought that’s what you wanted”, but he’d completely twisted something I’d mentioned ages ago about used mattresses (detail removed by moderator)

We have been very up and down with each other. I noticed that a couple of days before I was due to fly over, he was acting quite stony. It wasn’t entirely different to his usual demeanour, as he is always quite expressionless, especially during times when I’d feel so insecure about my position in the relationship and would approach him with a problem. Somehow the problem got all contorted and we’d end up talking about something totally different, and I’d be so confused and even completely hysterical with no idea what my original problem was. And I started to verbally lash out at him, like demanding why he had no expression and his tone was so flat, because it didn’t seem like he cared at all. And he’d insist he did, but it was like telling me the grass was blue; I think I locked myself into doublethink or something.

But this stony expression was different, like he seemed really on edge. Yet he spoke about getting groceries in for the flat, and how he’d made trips over there to transport his belongings. However, the night before I was due to fly out, I got a call from his dad. He said that my partner had been drinking all night and was feeling suicidal, and didn’t think we should be together anymore. He wouldn’t let me speak to him due to his state. I also found out that there was no flat, all of it was lies, and he was attending university and hadn’t told me, and I have been picking up information from his friends about parties he went to when he told me he was feeling really sick and wanted to sleep.

I haven’t spoken to him ever since the day before my flight (I haven’t gone over there, I would have nowhere to go). His parents have his phone, and he’s been in the habit of concealing things on his social media so I can’t reach him at all, I’m not sure if it’s wise to.

I feel so messed up in my mind and in myself. I feel like I’ve been going crazy, and it’s worse because his family and friends seem to be taking the view that he is unwell and needs to get better, and once he does, then he’ll contact me to set the record straight. But this is what I mean about perceiving long-distance as less valid than other relationships; I think they’re absolving himself of a sense of morality over this because he didn’t know any better due to being “ill”. And I don’t even know what this means. He knows I went into a depression last year, I was being medicated, and had to take time off work. He’s completely taken advantage of me and my circumstances, and supported me in ending my job to be with him, and a number of other things he knows I’ve sacrificed but assured me it was for the best, because he wanted to be with me, and wanted us to heal.

I’m just blaming myself for a lot of this, like what if I looked a certain way, what if I made an effort to be like another person, and then questioning how much of what he told me was real and honest, or if he’s even capable of honesty. And I feel like if I was stronger and not so anxious and so sensitive, that it might have worked, because what if I was overwhelming him with my feelings? And I feel really sick because I felt like he’d withhold affection and intimacy unless I acted a certain way, and I think rewarding me with it afterwards has reinforced some sick addictive bond to him. I hope this isn’t TMI, but even at long-distance we would be sexual with each other, and he was still engaging in that with me quite regularly up until recently when this all broke. But I always felt like he’d find an excuse to leave me soon after, like he had some chores to do, and he started to call me filthy when he was being intimate with me, the whole thing has made me feel disgusting and like no one will ever want me.

Again, I’m sorry this is so long and if it isn’t appropriate for here.

[KIP.]

It sounds like a nightmare and I think you’ve had a very lucky escape. It wasn’t just one deception, he kept the deceit going time after time. Please don’t blame yourself for any of this, it sounds like you did everything you could to make it work. Can you ring the helpline on here for some advice. Or get in touch with your local women’s aid. Many many years ago I had a long distance relationship with my abuser. It turned out he had married another woman and for (detail removed by moderator) months he carried on his relationship with me, proposing marriage, talking of our future together and choosing baby names. All the while married to another woman. A nasty selfish self serving individual with not an ounce of empathy. If he is capable of this behaviour now, can you imagine what his future will be like. Perhaps some councelling might help through your GP. Don’t blame yourself. He chose to behave that way x

[phantasmagorical]

I’m really sorry to read about your experience KIP. My guy would say very similar things to me, like there was nothing he wanted more than to be with me as soon as possible and to have a family one day. He went into sentimental detail about these fantasies where he’d discover I was pregnant and pick out names with me, and announce the news to everyone. Yet he had this weird double life, and I wonder if maybe he treated my entire life as a fantasy. The events of my reality and my wellbeing seemed quite peripheral to him, and I would go to lengths to try and make him “feel”, but now it seems that he was primarily receptive to being amused or sexually engaged with me.

I’m lucky that my mum is looking out for me and arranged a session with a counsellor; I had one on (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ll go again next week to try and rearrange my head because it feels like all the contents have been mashed up.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I agree with everything KIP said above. Please do not feel that you don’t belong here because you do, abuse is abuse and your ex certainly fits nicely into the abuser category.

Can you reach out to family and friends and certainly the helpline for support?

Are you able to research emotional abuse? I personally found that reading about it helped me understand why this had happened, why I didn’t recognise it earlier and why I put up with it. I would say definitely look up ‘No Contact’ as it sounds like you would be tempted to chase him; to find out what he’s doing and whether he’s okay. He’s an abuser, he will be okay. Let’s get the focus back on YOU. xx

[phantasmagorical]

Thank you for your kind words. I’m at home with my mum and stepdad, and have been building up the confidence to reach out to friends and explain what’s happened. I feel quite guilty though, as though I’m burdening other people, but I don’t know if that’s because I always used to feel rather guilty having negative emotions around / with my ex partner.

I have been doing some reading about gaslighting, and a lot of the articles are quite scarily accurate with how they relate to the relationship dynamics.

I’m discovering (although I’m not sure I’m correct) that he might have been subtly revealing himself to me in messages, like I noticed early on he had different faces for different people. There was a couple of times when he’d be quite neglectful, then explain it away by saying he let it “slip”, and I’m thinking, let what slip? And then he’d say, maybe he was just being lazy or complacent. Now it just seems to me like he was talking to himself.

I’m feeling my instinct to guard myself but I’m still very tempted to chase him. I got a new number from today and I’m wondering, should I email it to him in case he needs / wants to contact me? I don’t know if I’m being completely irrational. I have emailed him a few times already, but that was all last week when this news broke. I am considering deactivating Facebook though or blocking certain people. Seeing his family carry on as before, and friends, and then friends of friends, just makes me really hurt inside. I feel like he’s taken my biggest insecurities and vulnerabilities and made them happen. x

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