Blew up

[Sad and alone]

After what seemed like a period where we were getting on it’s cycled round again to a massive argument. It’s always a shame as you think things are improving and then it seems like they’re not. That all the improvement stuff was bs and I fell for it. Like I think I’m making an effort and he’ll say I’m being complacent and I have to keep trying. And in the meantime he’s not making any changes to treat me with any respect and still calling me a moron and failure.
We had to do a thing that neither of us was looking forward to so a tough time anyway, but he chose to moan and criticise constantly due to a separate incident which he blamed me for. I accepted some of what he said but not all of it but it just went on and on and on. Half a day. To the point I blew up. Which I’m disappointed about as I keep talking to myself saying to be calm and ignore him etc. But it had been constant for hours. Just not giving it a rest. I will acknowledge if I think he’s right but still not enough for him to shut up. I’m not allowed to take myself out of the situation and drive off. So I’m stuck. He says he supported me at the difficult thing we did and he did put his arm round me but literally either side of that was a barrage of moaning and criticising. I said he must see how that’s not really supportive. You can’t claim a hug as being supportive and then go back to making me feel like sh!t.
Sick of being told how great he is and how he does everything for me and no one else would do it, how he’s special and not like everyone else, how I’m lucky to be with him. Always anyone else would be so much worse and not sympathise with a situation. Like they wouldn’t care about me. Sick of being told I take off him all the time and how I’m bank-rolled. When I say I’ll get a job, and thought of one that a) I think I’d like and b) would fit in with what we do already, to be told if I want a job I can’t earn child’s wages and have to do something for £20/£30 an hour. I mean come on. I have no skills, no career, that I’m going to be able to do that. So he’d rather I do nothing than earn a bit which would help us out. Because then he couldn’t claim to be doing it all I guess. I don’t know. But I’m just tired and feel pretty low today, especially with the difficult thing we had to do and what feels like permanent sad stuff happening all the time.

[minimeerkat]

big hug from me.  youre only human so havent let yourself down at all.  each & every day all you are doing is your very best to desperately try & cope with such relentless criticism x

[Sad and alone]

Thanks MM. The other issue that started recently is still an issue today so the moaning and criticising starts again. After I got mad yesterday and we had a massive argument he went off and when he came back he apologised and said he should’ve thought a bit more and how he was sorry for saying I was a failure. How he thought he’d been over the top. Now today he’s back at it. I feel like I can’t cope. I can’t do anything. It’s making me feel like I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t go on in circles. I feel just unreal really, like I’m not even a person half the time. Just fed up, like we all are.

[Author]

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