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    • #136073
      Confusedme
      Participant

      What is the difference, many things are said but if someone says it not to be spiteful but because they truly believe them. Is it emotional abuse? Or am I over reacting?

    • #136076
      Confusedme
      Participant

      A few recent ones
      Disagreeing with Drs telling me to rest and not work, him saying they are wrong and that will just make me sick and I should be doing everything around the house and not catching up on sleep.
      Congratulating me on losing weight because I am not eating and being happy because he can feel my bones.
      Saying I am never going to be happy.
      Withdrawing any love if I am unwell and not doing what he perceives I should be.
      Saying that my pets should be put to sleep if they have thrown up their food.
      Saying I didn’t care for my mum when she was dying even though I gave up work to look after her and I was lazy because I wasn’t with her every second(I was frequently at hospital from 7am to 11pm)
      Etc…
      But then in between saying he just wants me happy

    • #136077
      KIP.
      Participant

      He is lying to you and gaslighting you and it’s extremely abusive. This is controlling behaviour. Ask yourself if you would behave this way? What qualified him to over rule the advice of a doctor. Abusers are selfish. Everything has to revolve around them.

    • #136078
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel,
      This is a good question … everyone is entitled to their own opinion
      I guess what you have to consider about that is, that if what the other person has said does not feel right to you in its delivery or content then regardless of what they have said, if you are uncomfortable with it you are well within your right to have your own view
      No one should ever tell another person what to think or believe
      If this is something that is happening frequently then you have to consider if this is really the type of person you want to be around
      No one should have to put up with listening to words that don’t ring true with them
      Start to tune into what you truly believe and this will make your boundaries stronger and empower you
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #136079
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful,
      The second part of your post hadn’t uploaded when I posted the first reply!
      To add to that, please follow what is in your heart
      I think you know what is true and what isn’t
      Start to trust your ‘knowing’
      By even posting this you are starting to know that what he is saying is BS
      Please believe that inner voice and give it power … there is no need to doubt yourself anymore
      D xx

    • #136081
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      You are certainly not over reacting what he says is nasty controlling and is said to make you feel c**p.
      When i first joined someone asked me the following and im gonna ask you. Lets turn this round. My husband tells me he loved me more when i was fat as nobody else fancied me then.
      He tries to make me eat. He doesnt like me working and will ignore me for days when i do.
      I dont go out without him as if i tried he would accuse me of having an affair. He gets nasty if i say no to sex and often makes me. He does nice things then asks for payment. He shouts he throws things he has thretened me and has hit me in the past I broke my ankle but he made such a fuss after soing school run for 2 days i refused treatment and now have to live with that. So many more but you get the message so would you call that abusive or is he just being blunt as you said?
      Its not easy not easy at all to accept what they do as abusive ive just said in another post that word actually makes me feel sick its not a nice aord at all but sweetie he is being abusive and i think you need to reach out and get yourself some help. Talk to womans aid talk to a friend or someone you trust read posts on here aem yourself with as much info as you can so you can start to see and understand his behaviour is not right and you should not have to put up with it at all.

    • #136083
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi confusedme,

      My belief is that this comes down to COMMUNICATION.

      What are the purposes of the comment? Are they to advise or humiliate? Are they insulting or giving feedback? Are they using their words as a weapon or as an opinion? What choice of words are they using? What is the tone of voice when they say it?

      My personal view is that I do like a partner to be honest with me, so for example, if I’m not sure about the outfit that I’m wearing because I can’t decide if it really is a bit too tight or I’m imagining it (probably the first one!), or whether it is too formal for the event I’m going to or just right, I may ask for his opinion. If I’ve asked for an opinion, then I hope to get an honest one, but again, the response depends on how it is worded and communicated.

      Example:

      I ask “Does this dress look alright?”

      Reply options:

      Considerate “It looks a bit tight today, try the blue one, you look great in that.”
      Critical “F**k me! You look ridiculous, what on earth are you thinking?”
      Humiliating “Well, if you want to go out looking like a beached whale that’s up to you!”
      Controlling “What the hell are you wearing that for?! I told you to wear the black one.”
      Degrading “If you think I’d be seen dead with you in that think again. You look like f*****g mutton dressed as lamb, for God’s sake, can’t you even dress yourself now?!”

      If I haven’t asked for an opinion because I think I look good, but my partner voluntarily gives me his thoughts, which of the above would be the non abusive one?

      Some may say that in a healthy relationship none of these responses would be acceptable and a woman should be able to go out in whatever she feels comfortable in and the man should accept that and say nothing. However, I know how critical people can be and if it’s an important event I’m attending then I like a second opinion.

      Communication is so important, because it is not only about the words that are said but about how they make you feel. For instance, you could be at an event with your partner and he keeps complimenting you to other people when he introduces you to someone and say “This is my girlfriend/wife/fiancee, isn’t she gorgeous, just look at her legs, she’s amazing isn’t she?” He may think he’s flattering you because he feels he’s a lucky man and wants everyone to know that, but you may feel incredibly embarrassed and just wish he’d introduce you by your name.

      The way abusers choose the tone of their voice and the power of their words can be part of the gaslighting that only we know the consequences of and what their intention is when they say it. So if he leans across the table and whispers sexily, just loud enough for others to hear “Just you wait until I get you home tonight!” they may think he’s being romantic when we know he’s going to be violent. That’s why this type of abuse is hard to evidence. It’s hard for us to convey to others the tone that was used when the words were said, especially when the words are written down because they can be perceived as totally acceptable.

      If what he is saying and how he is saying it is upsetting you then you are not over reacting, or being too sensitive. Your feelings are your feelings, and he needs to change his approach in the way he says things. If you can’t bring this up without it causing an argument, then there’s more evidence he’s not considerate of your feelings. All couples argue, but how are these disagreements approached? Is it with a problem solving approach (a healthy relationship), or a confrontational, critical approach that fuels the disagreement to make it last longer?

      • #136084
        Wants To Help
        Participant

        My reply may not make sense now because I was typing it when only your first post was showing and no other replies or your follow up had come up!

    • #136087
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Hi confused me,
      On reading your post my thought was, if it feels wrong/abusive/controlling to you the. Trust that.
      We get used to ignoring our feelings but our body and senses pick up on the intention very quickly.
      And as Wants to Help says above it is all so personal and unique to us and our relationship.
      Xx

    • #139572
      AllAdrift
      Participant

      Darcy hit it on the nail.

      There is no manual for what is or isn’t abusive.

      If it feels wrong – it is wrong for you!

      If you tell a loving partner that you don’t like it then just like a friend they would say: “Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it to come out like that” and you can judge how you feel and understand them easily. If that isn’t happening with your partner, something is up, badly.

      We have the power to decide what we want, we don’t have to judge ourselves as right or wrong in our choices. If it feels bad, it really is. Good things don’t feel bad.

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