14th February 2020 at 10:57 am #97693ItsmylifeParticipant
Hi, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here but I’m really struggling right now. I have booked an appointment this morning to start mediation with my ex but it’s not until the end of (removed by moderator). What can I do until then? He’s still trying to control everything, he’s booked a holiday to take our children abroad without asking me and is trying to control (removed by moderator). (we celebrate separately as I don’t want to be around him) he’s been going through my mum for pick ups and drop offs and contacts her as I’ve had to block him and tell him not to contact me although I’ve had to email him this week regarding this holiday as I don’t expect my mum to argue this for me. I’m scared, my mental health is suffering again and I don’t know how to best deal with him and him having our children in the meantime.
Thanks in advance x
14th February 2020 at 12:14 pm #97694KIP.Participant
I think you should get some free legal advice. It might be good for you to draw up something yourself regarding access. Something informal but that he has to stick to. Mediation is not recommended when there’s been domestic abuse. I’d go straight for a contact order if he breaks the one you do for him informally. Lean on women’s aid for support and get some free legal advice from Rights for Women or your local women’s aid or most solicitors offer free initial advice x
14th February 2020 at 4:44 pm #97726fizzylemParticipant
I would try mediation, it’s likely it wont work but worth trying in case it did and it also buys you time if you need it, it will also show the court you have been willing to discuss the arrangements; did you know you can do it in seperate rooms?
Cafcass offer a parental agreement service, might be worth checking out. Until then, you are the primary carer and thus have the final say, so if he asks you for anything you feel uncomfortable with then you can say no. Maybe have a think about how you’d like things to be, the arrangments, how they would look, who is responsible for what and so on. The Cafcass service is good for making you both think about what is needed in a PA; its not legally binding no, but it will be referred to in court whether its an informal arrangement, the Cafcass PA or not. Shows them how its been running and when he’s broken it.
Its usually always best to try an get the arrangement to be how you’d like it to be moving forwards, so a pattern that can be shown and that is now established.
It’s a great idea to put all comms through your mum and remove yourself in this way, means less opportunties for him to abuse, but you need to be mindful that he may use the child/children and his PR to continue to terrorise you; emply alienation tactics; but for now, it’s maybe an idea to see if it can settle after a pattern has been established.
Yes sometimes I find I have to email things that cant be done in a text; make sure you put boundaries on this email, spell it out what it is used for and how it functions, so you can show when he tramples this boundary if you need to; don’t respond to anything less than respectful or anything other than the arrangements, health and educuation. I have an online email set up just for this, so he cant drop into my inbox whenever he feels like it, we also have to text via a relative to notify it needs attention, he knows it is not checked otherwise, unless Ive asked a question. Seems to make him stop and think before firing off emails; they have become less abusive also, and those that were abusive formed part of my evidence.
I just think while you are the primary carer you do have more power if you need it, once its in an arrangements order then you will all have to comply with what this is. If you are scared he will take the child/children or hurt them then an order if needed, but if not and you suspect he will get access of some kind if he applies, then for me it was about keeping hold of this power for as long as I could; I have also been able to show that I have never not once abused this power also which was important.
Ask him how he’d like the arrangement to be; then say yes can do this and this but not this, and I’d like this, ok? If he says no then say, ok then well until we reach an agreement in Cafcass or mediation I think we need one clear arranagment for all so we’ll use this pattern and these hows for now x
14th February 2020 at 4:53 pm #97727fizzylemParticipant
I would get some legal advice too if I were you, so you are clear on what can and cant be done, and find out what his rights are, the childs and yours; meanwhile, if you’ve now got these boundaries in place and he breaks them, call the police straight away and report the abuse and harrassment; wont look good for him in family court if he breaks these boundaries; this can be used as evidence x
14th February 2020 at 5:03 pm #97729CecileParticipant
Make sure you hold their passports. If he threatens to take them without your consent then it’s a matter for the police. Port authorities should be notified if you are concerned that he has tried to them abroad. As above, get legal advice. Very good advice above, worth notifying those organisations for advice. You can refuse mediation on the groundS that it could be harmful to you or that his ability to co operate is impaired in some manner.just my personal opinion.
14th February 2020 at 6:23 pm #97733Moon in the skyParticipant
I’m not sure how and what way mediation works but in regards to him taking the kids on holiday, do you trust him to go on holiday with them in regards to looking after them with the Constant care kids need? I know my ex could not cope that length of time with my son my ex doesn’t travel well and gets extremely annoyed in the heat so I know that would be a no go although I have a feeling he will try for a holiday with him I am at the ready to tell him no but I would be willing if his mother goes along with him as I trust her and she will help him manage with him. Does he have there passports? If you don’t think realistically he could handle the kids on holiday do not allow it. I have my sons passport but my son and him is entitled to an Irish passport and I am considering gettin an Irish one for him just so he can’t go behind my back and get one and take him behind my back I feel I need to stay one step ahead of his games.
He should not have booked a holiday without consulting you for sure. What if you had arrangements of your own with the kids.
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