- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by fizzylem.
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9th June 2019 at 1:11 pm #80278IjustwanttobefreeParticipant
This year has been a year of self discovery and wakening up for me, I’m getting there but I’ve came to realise looking back i struggle with implementing boundaries.i want to work on this to help towards healing and recovery a,does anyone have any advice on this? I think it’s a massive part of me getting back on my feet. Thanks x
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9th June 2019 at 6:03 pm #80293HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Hi Ijustwanttobefree
Well done on getting on a self discovery journey.
I found the description from wikipedia very helpful, it explain the different types of personal boundaries.
I had soft boundaries now I have rigid or spongy ones. I am aiming for the flexible ones ☺️What helps me is to change my default answer of Yes to everything to No! To everything.
I really feel like a little toddler who just learns to say no to absolutely everything just to say no. Since I think that saying no it protecting me from abusive manipulative people I tend to teach myself this method atm.
But I am moving on a little to what is safe to say yes to? If its for my benefits do I really have to say no? Then I try yes, but only when I feel its safe.From wikipedia:
Soft – A person with soft boundaries merges with other people’s boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological manipulation.
Spongy – A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than those with rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.
Rigid – A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been the victim of physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.
Flexible – Similar to spongy rigid boundaries but the person exercises more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagionand psychological manipulation, and is difficult to exploit.What kind of boundaries to you have at the moment?
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10th June 2019 at 12:21 pm #80321IjustwanttobefreeParticipant
Hi hopelifejoy
Thank you for this! I absolutely have soft boundaries, and I know this has to change. I am a yes person to my detriment. I need to practice saying no and I can see why this made me such an easy target for an abusive person – although ultimately I know it wasn’t and isn’t my fault x*x
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10th June 2019 at 2:09 pm #80325HopeLifeJoyParticipant
It’s a little trial and error process to set personal boundaries, but to know you are permitted to be in charge of what to let in and what to keep out is so empowering. You are your own manager!🤗
I guess now you just have to discover where your natural boundaries lies? which ones need more protection and which ones are already solid.I do possess strong physical boundaries, I can count on my instinct to react strongly if anyone dares to approach me without my given consent. I have an inborn allergy against touch and am very assertive about protecting my own body.
My weakness lies in the hmm…basically all the rest. Mental, psychological, emotional. So I am focusing on these parts which isn’t a walk in the park.You are so right it’s absolutely not your fault, never was no matter what boundaries you do have set in place. It’s the abusers fault, he shouldn’t have trespassed your boundaries, even if they are soft, he should have respected them. Like a gentleman.
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11th June 2019 at 12:13 am #80359fizzylemParticipant
I use this one rule, if it doesnt feel ok for me then its not – so I need to respond to me! x
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