Boyfriend’s son

[Restorergirl]

I live with boyfriend of (detail removed by moderator) years and his (detail removed by moderator) year old son (we have all been friends for (detail removed by moderator) years, but got together as a couple after my husband died). The son has become increasingly aggressive towards me since leaving school (detail removed by moderator). Has no qualifications or f/t job and has no inclination to get either and refuses to take driving lessons or tests. He interrupts me talking to anyone, puts me down with acid comments, talks over me, has no respect for me or the house rules, won’t do his one and only house chore of (detail removed by moderator) (just a ‘small’ job, surely??), doesn’t wash, slumps down in the chair to eat with oily, greasy, black hands and face (he tinkers with (detail removed by moderator) outside) and flies into a rage if asked to do anything or told not to do something. And woe betide me if I so much as drop a glass or mug on the floor…………. We were all having ‘family’ talks (detail removed by moderator) and my boyfriend was cross at the state of (detail removed by moderator) outside with (detail removed by moderator) not being put away out of the rain. Son flew into a rage and started pointing finger at dad, I tried to stop him doing this and he actually squared up to me in an intimidating fashion – boyfriend leapt to my defence at this point and a tussle ensued, whereupon son yelled ‘(detail removed by moderator)’. I was frightened to pieces, fled to my car and drove to a friend’s house. I have received not one word of apology from this (detail removed by moderator) year old, he just flounces about and dosses, as if nothing’s happened. It’s as if he can do anything or say anything he likes to me, cos I don’t matter. I have had (detail removed by moderator) breakdowns due to his treatment of me and I feel that 2020 is the time I stopped putting up with it all. Difficult for me as he’s not my son, I am NOT his step-mum, he has no money and nowhere else to live….. I am a ‘young’ (detail removed by moderator) and am astounded that an arrogant, uncaring, cold (detail removed by moderator) year old can bring me to my knees like this. Is this domestic abuse????? I did mention that his continued aggressive behaviour could be looked on as DA, and he just said ,'(detail removed by moderator)’. Of course he wouldn’t be put into jail, but he does know that he has an anger problem, BUT he refuses to see anyone about councilling or anger management. Boyfriend seems powerless to do anything about this and we both tread on eggshells and dread him coming back home after being out.

[Lisa]

Hi Restorergirl,

Sorry to hear about the abusive behaviour you are experiencing from your boyfriends son, it sounds very intimidating and it must be so stressful for you to be going through this.

Have you had any professional advice around the situation at all? It might be worth you or your boyfriend get some advice around alternative accommodation for his son if he is old enough to live independently, or his legal rights to the property. You could speak to Shelter on 0808 800 4444.

You should not have to be living with the fear of abuse, or dreading him arriving home everyday. There is only so much we can do to help and support someone to deal with their anger or mental health issues before we have to prioritise our own safety and well being.

I hope things improve for you.

Take care,
Lisa

[Restorergirl]

Thanks for the reply. Boyfriend won’t seek help as he says it’s not up to us to do so, the only person who can change our homelife is his son. Boyfriend is hoping that by the time he’s a few years’ older, that he would have grown out of this stage, but at my later stage of life, do I really want to ‘wait’ another few years in the hope that only then will I have a steady, unstressed homelife?? As a couple, we are great, but I have come really close to driving away on more than one occasion. I’ve even been looking at houses in the next town for myself, but why should we let this environment ruin a perfectly good relationship between us? I am torn between staying due to love for boyfriend and breaking away to find a (lonely) more stable life for myself. As I get older, it’ll just get more and more difficult.

[Camel]

Hi Restoregirl

I really feel for you. It’s bad having to deal with this abuse and must be worse when you’re clearly unsupported.

You don’t want to live in fear, no matter what age you are. Neither, I imagine, do you want to insist your partner takes your side against his son’s.

If I were in your situation I would seek the middle ground and find somewhere else to live right now. Hopefully your partner will see that you’re doing your best to keep the relationship going. At the same time it will be clear that you have limits and they’ve been reached.

I would insist that your place is not to be used as a refuge by your partner from his home troubles. You need him to take action, not bury his head in your sanctuary. Maybe treat this time as dating and meet on neutral ground?

I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to be able to state what you will and will not put up with. Signing up to a relationship with this man, however lovely, didn’t mean agreeing to haul around his baggage forever.

Walking away now doesn’t mean the end for the two of you and should give your partner the nudge he needs. Whatever he says, it’s up to him to manage the situation. On the other hand, alone doesn’t have to mean lonely, and who knows, maybe you’ll find solitude blissful. Perhaps you should privately give this situation a time limit?

[Restorergirl]

Thank you for your kind comments Camel. Both away at moment, I flatly refused to go. Using this time apart to reflect on things, well, everything – me, that is, boyfriend probably isn’t. Feeling very alone in all this. I lived alone for ages when I was widowed a few years’ ago and didn’t like it one little bit, yeah I had freedom and peace, but was very lonely, which is what makes me go into a depressed state – having nobody to come home to or talk to. Don’t want to become some sad old lady with nobody to talk to.

[Restorergirl]

Oh look, it’s Coronavirus awareness time………………….. with the return of this person, who hardly washes hands or much else, let alone wipe; how on earth are we going to keep ourselves safe in this house. Friend and person return this week. I have blitzed the house when they went and dread them returning (apart from the abusive treatment I get). I ran myself ragged even before Coronavirus reared its ugly head, disinfecting every surface after that person had touched them, even down to the outside of biscuit packets.
I have spoken to OH about this, but he says there’s nothing he can do to make son comply with hygiene issues.
Do I really have to keep running around with wipes all the time, to protect us all?

[KIP.]

Sadly you have to make a choice between yourself and your health and your boyfriend who won’t support you and enables this behaviour.

[Camel]

Hi Restoregirl,

Dare I say you’re getting into a tizzy and the only person getting harmed is you. Apart from perhaps your partner who is stuck between the two of you. Whatever age the son is, is it possible that you got on the wrong foot from the start? You don’t say anything about his mother but does he resent you moving in? You say you’re not his step-mother but you’re acting as if you are when you talk about house rules and family talks.

You’re so angry that it’s unlikely that anything good can grow out of your relationship. Your partner is happy to accommodate his child’s behaviour and unfortunately you have no say in the matter. It seems as if they’re happy to spend time away together too, which says a lot. He took your side when things turned aggressive but that appears to be the sum total of support.

I would be wary of alienating your partner with constant criticism of his son. You can’t force change in this situation, except by taking yourself out of it. Your desire to avoid loneliness is perhaps understandable but you shouldn’t use it as justification to demand your partner takes your side.

On the subject of coronavirus, or any other nasties, the advice is to treat every surface as contaminated and wash your own hands frequently. This will save you the stress of wiping everything down.

[Author]

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