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    • #160310
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Love many, trust few, and alway paddle your own canoe. By Cheryl Strayed

    • #160319
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Ricepudding,

      Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing this quote that has meaning for you. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

      If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQ’s. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
      https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #160340
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate light. By Cheryl Strayed

    • #160371
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Be brave enough to break your own heart. By Cheryl Strayed. This is so true. I just can’t stop reading this.

    • #160433
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      It started early this morning by him saying do you know what will be nice a cup of tea and biscuits. My partner is saying it’s our daughter who makes us argue.It 6 29 and he is going to bed. We went to the bank today to get some money out for our holiday and he told me to give him the money.I said its OK I will look after it and his response was so you and your daughter can have it all. I would like to say she is our daughter. All I want is a hug and some one to love me..

    • #160514
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      My eyes have been open to coercive behaviour. The fear at the moment is overwhelming and crippling. I just dont want to get up and go to work as he drives past to see where I am. He watches me on the security camera’s in the house. I feel like a prisoners in my life and home I just can’t breath my chest feels tight. I know how that person in a horror film who has frozen and you are screaming at the TV for them to run. I now now how fear can make you freeze. I don’t feel brave. I’ve let it go on and I’ve done nothing to stop it. I feel so alone he has isolated me from my family and friend’s. I make excuses and apologise for him. I crave attention warmth and exception. My shadow of fear is growing bigger and bigger everyday it is growing and consuming my life. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognise my own reflection any more. I don’t know what my favourite food is or what I like to do or watch. I can’t wear clothes that show any skin. Fear.FEAR is a distressing emotion aroused by impeding danger, evil , and pain.

    • #160515
      Better-days
      Participant

      Hi ricepudding I am so sorry for what u are going through. I too am in a relationship trapped through fear so I get you and don’t have too much advice, I would love to say run and never look back if only it was as easy I would have done it long ago. Posting this post in one step in the right direction. It’s herrendous what is happening. This forum saves me on my worst days and there are so many people on here with great advice. Keep reaching out you will become stronger big hugs ❤️

      • #160625
        Ricepudding
        Participant

        Hi thank you sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone. I see you and I here you. You are brave you and strong. Hugs thank you. I don’t know which is harder living with a coercive partner or leaving the relationship. My partner is ramping up his behaver and actions. I just don’t think I strong or brave enough to carry on fighting to leave

      • #160685
        Katz
        Participant

        Hi Rice pudding, you definitely aren’t alone. I have been in the same situation. Every part of my life was controlled & manipulated by him. I also felt trapped & suffocated in my own home. I became like a zombi, numb & I lost who I was. In our (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship I gave him multiple chances to change until something inside me broke and I couldn’t do it anymore. I left him only a few months ago & it’s been the best decision of my life. I’ve never felt freer! Yes separation & divorce is painful but nothing in comparison to the bullying & emotional abuse I was suffering.
        No body deserves to be treated like that and I realise now after coming out of the relationship that there are NO excuses for their evil behaviour! You can love yourself again. You deserve better and you will find the strength to do. You’ve got this!

      • #170317
        Bluebirds
        Participant

        This made me smile! I hope I  can be in high spirits as you soon. Currently going through the depressive stage after leaving. Feel so alone right now! I totally lost who I am totally numb. Hope I can find me again. Thankyou for the positivity! X

    • #160529
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      In the confines of my mind
      You lay and wait
      Plotting out your attack
      Which way
      Will you beat me down today

      Will you go after
      My insecurities
      Make me question
      Everything about myself

      Will you go after
      My failures
      Making me question
      The discussions I have made

      Will you go after
      My heart
      Telling me I am not important
      That no one cares
      That I’m nothing but a joke
      That I will forever feel alone

      What war with in
      Will you send into battle today

      How many tear must you cry
      Before you retreat
      Allowing my peace
      For this smile everyone see to be real
      And not just a mask hiding it all
      So no-one knows the truth
      One day not today, but one day
      You will lay in wait
      Only to find
      That is where you will forever stay
      Because for once
      I won the war
      You waged on me.

    • #160544
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Well it was my (detail removed by Moderator) wedding (detail removed by Moderator) and I had to fight to go as we were going on holiday (detail removed by Moderator). I really think he was playing games to make me late but we made it then to get my (detail removed by Moderator) to drive us down to our holiday the day after (detail removed by Moderator). (May I just say I can drive.) I wake up (detail removed by Moderator) with him texting me when are you leaving what time are you going to get here I was sick. I can’t put it into words how he made me feel driving g down to holiday with (detail removed by Moderator) knowing how he has made me feel . I can’t stop crying. How can I compose myself infront of them

    • #160563
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      What a day… he is now upsetting our daughter he has made her cry all because she didn’t give her (detail removed by Moderator) back to him always controlling. The in the next breath he is tring to be nice. I just can’t wait to move out. I really need a hug and a cry.

    • #160568
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I can’t believe he has just asked me what is wrong with our daughter. He doesn’t know why she is in a mood. I spent most of the day trying to stop my daughter crying and the other half of the day tring to stop me from crying.

    • #160571
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I cried myself to sleep last night my daughter wanted to catch a train a leave. I feel like a really c**p mom and I can’t protect my child.Ive managed to get up really early just to sit in the quite and catch my breath. I really hate myself at the moment for not be able to just walk away but I can’t leave anyone behind ( the dog) he has helped me go out for walks with out my partner.(long walks). He has put his head on my lap when I’ve been at my lowest he has comforted me when I cry silently at night. He has also told me he will kill the f******dog. Then I’m tring to find a place to live that I can afford for my daughter and dog. I feel useless. I feel like I can’t help my daughter because I can’t even help myself. My anxiety is through the roof right now and I’ve got no one as it’s normally my daughter who is picking me up and now she is the target of his behaver and actions. Being on holiday is much harder I just don’t no where to walk or go. I am exhausted I don’t now know how to pick my self up from this one and move forward.

    • #160572
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I cried myself to sleep last night my daughter wanted to catch a train a leave. I feel like a really c**p mom and I can’t protect my child.Ive managed to get up really early just to sit in the quite and catch my breath. I really hate myself at the moment for not be able to just walk away but I can’t leave anyone behind ( the dog) he has helped me go out for walks with out my partner.(long walks). He has put his head on my lap when I’ve been at my lowest he has comforted me when I cry silently at night. He has also told me he will kill the f******dog. Then I’m tring to find a place to live that I can afford for my daughter and dog. I feel useless. I feel like I can’t help my daughter because I can’t even help myself. My anxiety is through the roof right now and I’ve got no one as it’s normally my daughter who is picking me up and now she is the target of his behaver and actions. Being on holiday is much harder I just don’t no where to walk or go. I am exhausted I don’t now know how to pick my self up from this one and move forward.

    • #160605
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Well That was a long night he sat with me all night till I went to bed. (detail removed by Moderator) my daughter and I with the dog went out it was amazing calm relaxed a beautiful day. Until I get a text from my partner.(detail removed by Moderator) I have not shown my daughter but it has hurt me so much that a parent can say such hurt full thing about their child. I did not sleep last night. Just got to get through the next few days hold it all together. What makes it worse is his daughter is here with her boyfriend. Sorry I rented the last few messages I’m just so angry. Stay safe remember you are not alone. You are brave and you are enough
      X*x

    • #160658
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      What a day we leave the house at (detail removed by Moderator) and go out for the day we arrive at the main town.At (detail removed by Moderator) He then messages at at (detail removed by Moderator) are you finished. How are you ment to visit (detail removed by Moderator) and sight see for the day. (detail removed by Moderator) in the car heading back (detail removed by Moderator) well that a day out on holiday.

      • #160679
        Ricepudding
        Participant

        Oh my day’s I thought he was going to kill us with his driving (detail removed by Moderator). I have never been so scared in the car as (detail removed by Moderator) in the evening I went out with my daughter who was very shook up over his driving (detail removed by Moderator). This texted message is eaten at me about his cruel words he has sent.

    • #160684
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Only (detail removed by Moderator)… Sat down stair early again tring to breathe calm myself don’t look a sertain way don’t say any thing to upset him don’t wear sertain clothes. Have I remembered everythink probably not something to moan at. My anxiety is through the roof I can here him stomping around I feel sick my chest is tightening. I wish my mom was here I miss her so much.

    • #160691
      Lost lady
      Participant

      Oh Ricepudding this is so heartbreaking to read.
      We all know how you feel.
      Please speak to your doctors and womens aid helpline , you need support with this
      Sending love and strength to you x

    • #160704
      Lazarus17
      Participant

      Ricepudding, we’ve all been (or still are) where you are now. We can see and feel your pain because of this. Know that you are not alone. Know that we understand.
      Please get some support from Women’s Aid and your GP.

      Virtual hugs to you xx

    • #160919
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Well it was a long night he asked what was problem? I am ready to leave he can not hurt me anymore the things he says are hurtful but I don’t need it or want it anymore. He told me to leave. I have my permission. I tried to sleep (removed by moderator). I have to find some where now I had to go to bed. I have never felt so sick lieing next to him but I never went to sleep I was so scared he was going to stab me in the night. I have got a head ache from he’ll this morning.

    • #161006
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Today he is acting caring and loving as if we never had the conversation about his actions and behaver. I’m just so tired. Going round in circles. I feel so awful for my daughter going through all of this as well as me I feel bad that I’ve let her down how can I help her when I’m numb and confused.

    • #161105
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I find my self sitting here crying posting on here over a cake just sound so stupid but yes a cake. My daughter brought a box of (detail removed by Moderator) cakes so we watched a film and had a cake (detail removed by Moderator). He gets up this morning and finds box what about me do I not get a cake. Do I not matter. Now he is stomping around I’ll get my own breakfast then. Sound so stupid but yet I’m sitting here questioning my self over a cake.

    • #161113
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I went out (detail removed by Moderator) with the girls from work.questoned where you are going. When I get back, what did you eat. You won’t want dinner then. He has now stormed out the house to get food for himself.

    • #161127
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I just feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve let my children down. I feel like I’ve let my family down I feel like I’ve let work down. I feel like I’ve let my Councillor. Why can’t I just walk away. Make that phone call an talk to someone. I say it to myself but it just sounds so stupid. Just listen to yourself.

    • #161148
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Ricepudding,

      I hope it is helping to share your feelings on the forum. It takes such courage to talk about abuse and to reach out for support- you are not a failure and you haven’t let anyone down.

      When you feel ready then the support is here for you. Our Live Chat service is available every day if you feel comfortable chatting online to a Women’s Aid worker. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #161201
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I have been tidying the (detail removed by Moderator) to stay in. I have got in touch with the council as I can’t find a property. Just got to wait now. I feel like the conversation we had about me not wanting to be with him any more never happened. I don’t know how he is going to take me moving in the (detail removed by Moderator). I am just so tierd.

    • #161355
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I find my self sat in the car with fear that I’ve just booked a doctor’s appointment why am I so scared I seem to fear everything at the moment. It’s like a secret mission sat in my car down a road round the corner for the doctor’s just in case he drives past and see my car what has my life come to.

    • #161479
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      The boss came to see me yesterday and asked where was I living now. I feel like a complete failure when I told him I’m still at home. I felt like he was judging me. Just like when I went to the doctor’s he told me the crisis team would ring they didn’t. I feel like I’m back to the beging I’ve opened up made myself very vulnerable and ill. Time to put on the mask and start putting up walls. I can’t take any more pain.

    • #161738
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I feel so lonely at the moment. Feel trapped at home. I have to wait till he goes to bed. I don’t know how much more I can take. Looking for a place to live isn’t easy. Trying not to react to his mean comment and hold back the tears. I feel so tierd and sick.

    • #161742
      selfish
      Participant

      Ricepudding, how are you this morning? You are strong and can get through this. Have the Crisis team been in contact with you? Housing can take a while (I am currently waiting for a house), and I can sympathise with how difficult it is waiting, knowing you are done, but stuck in the limbo stage feeling trapped like you have no where to turn. Our stories gave many parallels, as my husband also found out my plans to leave and the next day it’s like it never happened and he’s been nothing but nice ever since. Also the road rage, I fear for my life any time I get in the car with him. I avoid it as much as possible as I have so many memories of situations where the outcome could have been devastating.
      Please stay strong, eventually housing will come through and you can begin to heal. Be kind to yourself and if you need to cry then do it. Although I got some advice recently that tears just feed the monster, and don’t give him the satisfaction. He has taken enough away from you. Know that every day now is one step closer to freedom and one step less from feeling trapped.
      Keep talking, we understand the complexity of this planning to leave. X*x

    • #162990
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      It’s been sometime it’s hard to get any time to myself. I’ve never felt so alone and tired. I’m still trying to look for somewhere to live.

    • #162991
      Buildmeupbuttercup
      Participant

      Dear Ricepudding,

      Reading through your posts has really saddened me. I’m so sorry that you’ve been treated so horribly and are not receiving the help you need in a timely manner. You really deserve support and housing, it’s awful that you have to be stuck with him. You are not a failure at all, anyone would be struggling in your position. I’m thinking of you this evening and hope you can at least get a little time to yourself.

      Sending love x*x

    • #163106
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Just when I think it can’t get any worse my father tells me has a secret and he has kept it for (detail removed by Moderator) plus years so now even my childhood has been a lie. I hate the weekends as I can’t get out of the house. So I’ve had can you just fetch this for me can you get me a drink have you put my washing on. I feel like I’ve opened up and talked about it and now I’ve been dropped and forgetting about. I just want to put my head on the floor it feels so heavy. My back is in bits sleeping in the spare room. Found it so hard to post on here as he asks me where I’m going every time I get up of the sofa.

    • #163111
      swanlake
      Participant

      Thinking of you. It sounds like you’re having such a time of it and waiting such a long time for help. Have you any access to confidential help through your workplace for example counselling to help you to process the news from your dad?
      I have found Samaritans helpful as well as talking here.

      • #163182
        Ricepudding
        Participant

        Thank you swanlake but my Councillor at work just dropped me and said it was unhealthy in my work place so that 3 things now that have let me down doctors housing and my Councillor I’m very much on my own. Thought I felt c**p before all this, but now I know.

    • #163819
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I live my life in fear I lie awake at night a creak on the floor is he coming. Only having a shower when he leaves the house. Not going out a lunch time incase he is driving past work. I feel like I’m holding my breath and when I step into work I take the biggest gasp of air. I felt so alone that no one would understand how or what I was going through.I spoke to the council I spoke to the doctor I spoke to work counciling was given. Posted on here. I felt like I was seen and heard. Sleeping in spare room. Thinking wher I want to be in 3 years. Far away from where I am right now. Wait I can’t wait 3 years I just want to step out of my skin and walk no run, run as fast as I can for as long as I can And not look back. It’s like my life is on repeat and everyone is just following a script. I AM ALONE. Stuck in a loop. Groundhog day. I just can’t figure out what I’m ment to do. Pie crust promises easily made and easily broken.

    • #164607
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi, the night and day’s blur together days and weeks drag and fly by. I long for a day to smile and feel the sun on my face and be free and at peace. I long to feel connected. A hug a chat me time. I just so tierd of feeling sad. I’m exhausted.

    • #164716
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Ricepudding,

      Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to offload how you are feeling and to share about what you are going through. There is support here for you from people who understand how difficult and exhausting it can be living with abuse.

      I also wanted to let you know about Bloom as you said in an earlier post about no longer receiving counselling. Bloom offer free online courses specialising in trauma- website. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. If you are safely able to access Bloom online then do take a look.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #164728
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hard days I hear you – I remember saying to a social worker I wish I was brave I just wish I was brave enough. She said you are living with what you live with is so brave. You are brave every day. I couldn’t hear that then. But. Somehow eventually I got out. Left everything Turns out I’m super brave. I just didn’t know it then. Life isn’t perfect but I have no doubt I’m brave – and so are you. Take care sending a hug x

      • #165181
        Ricepudding
        Participant

        Thank you waterside sorry it’s taken so long to reply it been hard to get any time to post as he has been around me most of the Christmas holiday so I felt like he has been watching every move. Thank you for the kind words my councillor said the same to me but it just doesn’t seem brave just feel stupid that you can’t just get up and walk away.

    • #165474
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Found it very hard the last 2 months felt like everyone had given up very much on my own doctors didn’t get back in touch so no antidepressants colleagues have stopped asking me how I am Councillor has stop seeing. My family have not been in touch ethier. That was my circle so now I’m back to just me (detail removed by moderator)

    • #165526
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Can I just say you are on this site you are out there talking to a therapist because you want and u deserve so much better for you and your daughter.that is far from stupid .that takes courage. You will come to a place when the time is right for you .when you feel the time is right .please no we are all behind you and all believe in you .

    • #169615
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Still here no further on still in spare room going round and round getting nowhere been back to Councillor opened up about childhood trauma blood pressure is through the roof taking blood pressure tablets found out I’m codependent more confused than before still looking for a house feel like work is dragging me down feeling very low at the moment just can’t take any more home, work,relationship I’m just so angry and tired..

    • #169631
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Hey @Ricepudding how are you doing today? I can appreciate the feeling of being stuck on repeat and not seeming to be able to get out of it. It sounds like you’ve made some progress but it’s not working out. Maybe you could scale back a bit, take a breath, write out an action plan. Start from fresh and address each thing individually.
      Can you reconnect with your family for a start? If they were a support to you can you find that again? I don’t have anyone for support but know just having someone on here say they hear me and understand is some comfort xx

    • #171693
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi it’s been some time and I would love to say I’m free but no still on this hamster wheel. Feel like I’ve waited to long to get off because now he’s telling me he has a tumor.

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