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Good evening everyone,
I don’t always want to be doom & gloom on here but sometimes it’s hard. When I feel like there’s nowhere to turn I come here to express my feelings but most of the times these feelings are negative and I’m sorry about that but I must get these feelings out.
My ex has been in prison since the final incident and recently he was officially sent down for this, I won’t discuss this anymore as I know certain things are not allowed to be discussed on here so I won’t say anything further.
I thought I’d feel elated and manage ok however, I’m quite the opposite. I feel as a mum you can not always say how you truly feel for the fear of being deemed “a bad mum”. These negative thoughts & feelings are eating me up inside and I feel days away from breaking point. I am a nervous wreck, always waiting for the next trigger (ptsd) and I am easily startled and triggered at the moment. I’m severely depressed and suicidal thoughts are very intense at the moment (all day everyday), I’m not sleeping (nightmares) and I’m restless, I can not eat properly (too much, too little), even having a shower & getting dressed is a huge task.
I am desperate for this emotional & mental pain to stop but the only way it feels like this will stop is to go to sleep & never wake up again. I feel immensely guilty and horrible for saying this as I have a child but I can not deny nor stop these feelings and thoughts. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.
I miss him like crazy even after everything he did and still love him just as much as when we were together, and the time he has gotten for what he did to me is NOT enough, the system is disgusting, I am utterly appalled and deflated by this.
Every single day I feel as though things are getting worse, my mental health is deteriorating so quickly I feel any point I will break. I can not stop crying I spend every day nearly all day crying or a nervous, mental wreck!
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I have been in those times, thinking I must love him, but now with hindsight I know it was trauma bonding and not love. Are you able to find and speak to a domestic abuse counsellor to help work through your feelings? Being compassionate to yourself and understanding why you feel like this really helps. You’ve been through a huge traumatic ordeal. I ultimately survived by thinking how my children would feel without me and your child needs you. I hope things get easier for you. Take care. xx
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It’s ok to be doom and gloom on here FB, we all get it or have had it and can relate to what you say and how you feel. And I’m all for expressing how you feel! It’s very much needed. Are you getting any support? In therapy?
Agree with SB, it’s going to take some time to adjust to this, so give yourself this space and roll with it, it’s effected you in many ways hasn’t it. You may be a mother but you are first a human. There are no super mum’s all the time, we all need to step back a bit sometimes, it’s because you are a lovely mum that this is on your mind, as you are aware things can be and be different, better when you feel better. Kids need to learn resiliance for life, and they can actually only do this when we don’t do it all for them; as long as they feel loved and cherished then they can manage when mum isn’t as present as usual here and there. It can feel hard to manage for a time, especially if we beat ourselves up about it, so this needs to go, but you will get through this, and chances are it will be your child/children that also help with this, as you start to pick up and find you are more able to do more parental things once again.
Feeling desperation and at breaking point is awful though isn’t it, it’s a sign you need some help from others.
When I have felt in this place I have called the Samaritians, for the same reason you have written above, it gets it out, it helps to express what you think and feel with another, a care giver. Sometimes all we need in this moment is to do this, holding it in alone is part of the problem. Quite often we only need to express things but if something else also needs to happen they will help you work out what this is as well.
It’s also about self care and building yourself up slowly, like you say you dont feel able to do much, so make the decision to spend what little energy you have wisely. Put good food in, drink more water, get some fresh air, practive giving yourself what you need every day. When we do this, little injections of self care, eventually we start to build in strength, physically but also emotionally. Some people start by setting themselves 3 things a day, things you feel you can manage; the trick here is to not beat yourself up if you don’t manage this, rather to let this go and pick it up again tomorrow.
Speak to your GP if you haven’t already and get yourself some therapy when you feel able and pull in all the practical support you can with your child/children. Do you have any friends and relatives that can help to lighten the load here for a bit? Would help you feel a bit better if there is, would give you all what you need x
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