Breaking the silence

[Iwillbreakfree]

Yesterday felt like a normal day, yesterday I broke my silence. (detail removed by moderator). Throughout this process I kept quiet.. I didn’t breath a word, many will ask why? I’ll tell you why.. because I was fighting a battle in court for my CHILDREN not me. My ex partner mentally, emotionally and financially abused me.. in every aspect killed the old happy me. We had a baby together, I never wanted to carry on with this pregnancy, and booked for a abortion. The day of the treatment he took the car. Till recently I believed I was the problem, which brought me to asking myself lots of questions.. I asked a friend if she ever woke during the night and if her partner would ever be having sexual with her? Because this was my routine.. I’d wake some nights to him on top of me, or with his hands down my pants.. I’d always be very confused. Some mornings I’d wake up and ask if we’d had sex the night before because I’d be wet below, and he’d also use to term ‘you never said no.. but to me this was normal? He was my partner? The night my baby was born, after a long, painful and sore labour.. I went into bed, and I had to sleep on top of puppy pads because of how bad the bleeding was.. I went to sleep and was awoken in the early hour with unbareable pain. Just hours after giving birth, he was having sex with me.. I asked him to stop this night, but he didn’t.. he was nearly finished, he left me lay there like a piece of meat, I got up and sat in the bath, till my child awoke. I took the baby down stairs and feed and changed him.. I lay on with sofa in pure horror, still trying to learn what had just happened.. but that wasn’t rape, he loved me right? .. well I finally broke free from the relationship early last year, moving away and starting fresh.. (detail removed by moderator). I fought each and every step of the way.. and now have my babies at home with me, safe loved and cared for. So.. I tried, I tried so so hard to continue with my life, to move on and maintain that ‘fake smile’ but I just can’t do it. I always had those events on my mind, throughout the best days that always springs back up again. So yesterday I finally built the courage to talk, to call the police and report these crimes.. because I did endless research, and spoke to my councillor.. and now I finally see, he didn’t love me. He raped me. Each day I always questioned myself, hated myself because I never thought I was good enough.

I still have a long way to go.. but I finally did it,, I broke my silence.

[KIP.]

Welcome to the club. Very well done. This is where your recovery can begin. Accountability, therapy and acceptance that the person who was supposed to love and cherish you was actually out to destroy you. I hope he gets what he deserves and chances are he has done this before and will do it again. Sadly I didn’t get rid of my abuser soon enough and missed out on a lot of loving bonding times I should have haves with my so. Cherish every minute with your children. Give them a big squeeze. They should be very proud of you x

[EbonyRaven]

Well done, that’s an amazing thing to have done. Be so very proud of yourself, it must have been incredibly difficult for you.
I’m glad you have support, that’s brilliant.

[Iwillbreakfree]

Thank you, life is a rolla coster I won’t lie, but I have everything to fight for. My freedom is the biggest one, I feel like a prisoner inside my own mind right now, I do have good day; but there outweighed by a lot of bad.. constant reminders. He has since moved on.. playing the ‘top man’ card to his new girlfriend, it makes me feel sick to the core I once feel for this, and trusted and loved him like no other. But I know understand, but will never understand- the whole relationship was a lie, from the outsider looking in.. it was perfect, from me looking out it was normal. It took me along time to accept how he treated me was wrong.. and I craved his love for months after I broke free, but I guess that’s what these men do.. belittle & pull away every piece from you that makes you feel alive.. I just want to be me again. Not hide behind a fake smile, nor fake laugh😶😶 I just want to be happy.. and I really believe it’ll happen.. I have the courage to talk, and the strength to rebuild myself xx

[FruitLoops]

Wow; what an incredibly strong lady you are. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for breaking free, a long hard road, one that I’m only just starting, but reading your post has really taken my breath away over how strong women can be in adversity. Good luck for the future and the continuing battle.

Xx

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