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I don’t feel that I really deserve to post on this forum anymore, especially after all the wonderful support I have had.
I gave in my letter. I have broken no contact. I don’t know whether he will have checked his (detail removed by moderator) to have received it yet as it’s very recent so I don’t know when or if to expect a reply.
I just decided to do it. I am disappointed that my complaint most likely won’t be investigated as the abuse happened within the context of a private relationship. It’s up to me to show why they should care and I know that they won’t so I figured it’s hopeless. I feel minimised and it makes me really hope that I hear back from him and that he’ll just ride in and want to rescue me and resume the relationship now that he has the full story.
I was worried I’d be handing all the control back to him when I sent it, but I actually feel quite content. It’s neither blaming nor condoning. I read it to a helpline who said it was beautiful and rational so I have no worries as there is nothing in it that I’m ashamed of and it contains only the truth. It is full of pain though and only a heartless abuser would ignore it so I will at least know who he is for certain if he doesn’t reply. I’m so scared that he won’t. Either way it’s an answer and so in actual fact I feel like I have actually, for the first time, got some control of the situation as his response sort of forces an answer as to who he is. I do wonder if he would let me have the satisfaction of knowing he is heartless by not responding though because, frankly, only a monstrous abuser would be able to receive this letter and be so unmoved not to respond. It will tell me a lot at least. Praying for a response though.
I’m sad to be posting this, but the formal channels do nothing to help. I just want him back and don’t care about how he treats me anymore. All this has taught me is that it’s perfectly acceptable even when you are in a context where the institution should really care about its duty to safeguard people.
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I sent the letter telling him he was abusive. He didn’t reply and it didn’t make me feel better in the long run. But I don’t think it did any great harm either.
The only thing that I would be careful of is your idea that if he is a heartless abuser he won’t reply and if he isn’t he will. If he’s a really heartless abuser he might see all your pain and all the power he could have over you and pretend he cares to get back with you and carry on his abuse. My experience with telling my abuser things that caused me deep pain and hurt is that he would pretend to be sympathetic and then later use the knowledge to hurt me more deeply.
Look after yourself. I think long term you would be happier without any contact with this man, but I appreciate that that doesn’t really help right now.
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i think we feel terrible guilt for caving into our emotional needs but were only human. regardless off everything he did to me i went back literally on my hands and kness but that was because i thought he could take the pain away. im telling you what you already know deep down but we think with our hearts our minds and souls i personally think our emotional thinking is more primative there for it is stronger. that pull is beyond reason. it is your choice to go back if he responds which might – but i would be very careful and dont under estimate this can escalate and be dangerous. keep womens aid on board and believe me we understand exactly where your at – i was the very same for many years – were not here to judge and always here to listen. your shame is his remember you have done nothing wrong
take care love diymum x*x
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Thank you all for your support and understanding.
I felt quite excited and even empowered delivering it. I must admit that with each passing day (it’s not been long at all) I do feel nervous. I thought I’d be ok with either outcome as there is an answer either way, but I cannot lie. I do feel so much that I want to hear from him. I don’t know what a reasonable timeframe is to allow myself to hear as I don’t want to be perpetually hoping. I am scared. I want to hear from him so much.
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I was afraid of that for you when you talked about sending him a letter. Now you’re committed to an open-ended waiting period.
If he’s what I think he is, he will enjoy the thought of making you wait, making you squirm, stressing you more. He may hold out on you just to measure your desperation by seeing whether you crack and wrote again…and again. Great feed for a controller. The power of pushing your buttons by doing nothing. The ego-boost of boasting about your ‘obsession’ with him.
If he replies, it might be all love and remorse or cold and judgemental. It will be a challenge knowing how to deal with it. Have you thought that he might get his proxy to reply, hurting you with the knowledge he’s shared your personal communication with her?
If he isn’t going to reply he won’t tell you, will he? It will be the daily disappointment; the slow death of hope.
I think it might be important for you to put a time limit on his reply, just in your own mind, darling. Decide on a date and stick to it. How long would it take you to think about such a letter and reply if you truly cared about the sender? A day? Two days? Allow an extra day, say two for the post, add two for it to have reached him in the first place and that makes a week, I think.
So why not say eight days and then cut off the waiting and hoping? You will have had your answer, won’t you? Someone who cared would have responded by that time: if he doesn’t, you have the closure you need.
It will hurt all over again and you will need to be strong, but you’ll know you communicated the truth to him and left nothing unsaid.
Flower x
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Thank you.
He’ll be in for disappoint as I’m definitely not writing any more letters as I won’t have anything left to give. The letter is truly soul-baring but I’m not ashamed of anything in it. If he tried to use it against me to hurt or embarrass me in anyway I struggle to see that it would do anything but reflect poorly on him. I’m not ashamed of any of it. I haven’t been nasty or anything either so there’s little room for him to give me a horrid response. No response would only give me the satisfaction of knowing he’s devoid of compassion. I’m not sure he’d want to give me the satisfaction.
I have no doubt he’ll share it with his friend but she is blocked and won’t succeed in contacting me. The only person who isn’t is him.
I did think of giving it a week. I will look to writing the complaint as well. I expect I won’t hear which is awful but perhaps it will help me move on. I just won’t be able to understand how anyone could be so cruel and I will be left wondering if he feels any kind of remorse.
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Please don’t try to work out how these men behave or why. They simply don’t think or act like us. They have no remorse. They are predators and look for vulnerable prey. They are parasites and look for hosts to emotionally suck the life from. There is no closure apart from closure we give ourselves by saying no contact. No matter what he writes or doesn’t write, it’s you who is trapped. If he does reply it will be a delusional version of his truth. It won’t even make sense. Closure is for you to make on your own. To write your complaint letter. To have counselling. For me it was to take back control and decide zero contact was my way of shutting the door and reporting him was my way of burning bridges. Try to concentrate on your own recovery. My timeline for reply would end right now. And my new life without him would begin right now x keep posting for support and just to bounce your thoughts off us. I know that craving for attention. Any kind of attention from them. Even another bout of abuse in the early days we feel will satisfy our craving. But it’s all temporary. You need time and space and no contact until your thoughts calm down x
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I’ve been thinking a lot today. Doing a lot of research. It doesn’t really help or make me feel better. It only confuses me more.
After feeling so confident about the letter I contemplated going and getting it back, assuming he hasn’t collected it yet. I don’t really know how I would go about explain to them why I need it back although it does have sensitive medical note in it so wouldn’t want it hanging around. Of course they might not give it back to me if he hasn’t collected it although I suppose I could take some ID. Today I’m just not liking the thought of him sharing it with his lieutenant. I always knew that he most likely would, but today I just don’t want that as he’s a slave to whatever she says and although I’m not nasty about her I do essentially give the impression that her involvement was a problem.
I just don’t know why I can’t be happy or why it’s not getting easier. Every day I relive the horrors and can see why he’s bad and yet I still long to hear from him, and with each passing day of nothing I just feel more and more hopeless. I will never get over the cruelty especially at a time when I’m still trying to come to terms with miscarrying. I wish I hadn’t told him the truth of it as he doesn’t deserve it.
If he is what I think, I can’t understand why he hasn’t replied to me yet as that letter will provide him with so much positive attention which he must absolutely thrive off of.
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If you retrieve the letter. Sit on everything for a while. Our heads are so messed up for quite some time. Try to ignore that urgency to do something. Anything. Doing nothing is a good option till you regain control of your emotions. There’s nothing stopping you writing in the future with a clear head. Although when ur fully healed he will be insignificant. I don’t see a problem with retrieving your own letter. Just say you’ve changed your mind,
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id retreive the letter if your feeling this way- have you looked into getting some counselling youve had two major life events to deal with the loss of your baby also xx i think you should get someone professional to talk to and they can help you fathom all of your natural feelings out xx you can make more sense of all of this and find some techniques to cope. i tend to rhuminate alot and it makes me worse xxxx much love diymum
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